Bones Becoming Flowers
by theamazingsp0iderman
Summary: Bucky/OC - Fate is cruel, no two people know that more than Bucky Barnes and Addy Carbonell. They are two people in love, and they've had to fight for that love in many different lives. They're soulmates that destiny doesn't want together, that HYDRA doesn't want together. But that's the thing about being soulmates, it's impossible to keep their two souls from being together.
1. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

* * *

"A bond between souls is ancient - older than the planet."

― **Dianna Hardy**

* * *

It was the routine that maintained Bucky's sanity. Wake up, go for a walk, feed the goat he'd found wandering the woods he'd been living in, feed himself, go for another walk, stay far away from the city, go to bed, repeat the next day. Nothing strange or unexpected ever happened as long as he stuck to his routine.

The only danger there was, was his mind. In those few moments when he was cursed with the opportunity to think, it was always like jumping into dark waters that spread out to the ends of the Earth, no land or rescue ship in sight. His body would grow sore as he'd try for hours to stay afloat, trying to not slip down into the depths and drown beneath the thoughts in his mind, losing his grasp on life. Becoming consumed.

During one particular morning he'd returned from his walk to find the goat waiting outside of the hut, the animal having settled into the routine just as much as he had, enough to know what time it needed to arrive at his hut in order to get fed some of the berries that Bucky would have scavenged during his morning walk. As he did every other morning, he pulled from the makeshift cloth sack a handful of berries which he then placed on the floor, allowing the goat to approach him and not the other way around.

The goat had no qualms with approaching the armless giant like it had the first time they'd met, even allowing him to pet it's head as it began to munch on the berries.

He let out a sigh, turning to look up at the surrounding forest. He'd have been lying if he said the loneliness never got to him, even with his goat friend. He'd had to isolate himself because his mind was too much of a dangerous thing, _he_ was too much of a danger. He would see Wakanda's king and the leading scientist every few weeks because they were trying to help rid his mind of the trigger words Hydra had put in him which would make him turn into a cold-blooded killer. That still meant he was alone most of the time. It wasn't even the loneliness that really affected him, it was the overwhelming sensation of there being something _missing_.

The forest before him was truly beautiful. Green covered every nook and cranny, lit up by the few rays of Wakandan sun that tried to reach through the leaves and kiss the ground. It was warm and beautiful and full of life and it _always_ made him feel like he was missing something detrimental to his entire existence. Like it was a part of his own heart, but the most frustrating part was that Bucky couldn't actually remember losing it, not when nor where, he couldn't even remember what the piece of his heart used to look like, he just knew that it was gone.

Bucky continued to stare into the luscious green surroundings, feeling like he was staring at something else entirely despite only being able to see the forest physically in front of him.

" _Hey, Meatball."_

Bucky immediately rose back up to his feet, wide eyes scouring the forest in order to search for the source of the distant sounding words. There was nothing though. Just leaves dancing against the soundless wind. He looked back down at his goat friend but the animal was just munching down on the berries undisturbed and that was when he began to realise that perhaps there wasn't a noise after all.

"We'll get through this, we just need to make sure that we remember each other," the voice sounded again just as he started to doubt his hearing. It was a lot less faint the second time, an echo that called out through the trees to his left. The voice was feminine, as high-pitched and as musical as a bird's whistle, yet there was a desperation to it, like the bird had broken its wing and was stranded on the ground. He'd like to think that the tone was the reason he left the goat's side and journeyed towards the unknown, but in some ways, he was searching out that voice because it felt like he'd find himself wherever it was. And that was something he'd been trying to find for many years.

Bucky wandered through the trees in the direction of the voice he'd heard, keeping his ears tuned into the forest for any, and all, sounds. His heart yearning to hear more melodic words. As though whatever was speaking could sense his want, he didn't have to wait long.

What came next was a scream. It was loud and piercing and it split the forest apart like a knife piercing the ground he walked on, making the armless giant stumble slightly.

It at least helped him figure out what direction the voice was coming from though. After restoring his balance he set off into a sprint, charging through the forest and using his one hand to push away any branches that got in his way so that he wouldn't be deterred, not caring when strays would eat away at his skin and blossom small scratches on any naked flesh the nature could find. There was nothing Bucky would allow to get in the way of him reaching the source of that voice. Every bone in his body demanded that he reach her, whoever she was. He had to save her the same way oxygen needed to be breathed.

After a minute or so of storming his way through the woods he came to an opening at the bottom of a cliff from which a stream of water bombarded down. He was met only by the sounds of the nature that surrounded him, the splash of the waterfall, the water licking rocks, the scraping stones beneath his feet. There was nothing more of the voice.

Bucky spun on the spot as he examined his surroundings for the source of that familiar voice, only looking around his parameter, never looking up, not until he heard a sniffle. All things considered, Bucky really shouldn't have been able to hear the subtle whimper, but he'd come to terms with the fact that what was happening wasn't real. It didn't matter because the emotions he felt were definitely real. The agony clogging his throat, the anxiety shrivelling his spine, and the yearning like a fist holding tightly onto the leftover pieces of his heart. All of those emotions were very real and strong enough to make him not second guess the person he saw standing on the edge of the waterfall.

She was beautiful. Reminding Bucky of some sort of forest spirit. Her wild strawberry blonde curls captured the sun's rays like glass, somehow turning even lighter and crowning her head. She stood barefoot, feet being tackled by the raging stream water but it seemed to have very little effect, the small strawberry blonde an immovable force. She stood like the world had fought against her and lost many times, like God himself had challenged her only to concede in the end. She was rooted into the earth, belonging to it like every leaf, flower and tree. She was more than beautiful, more than divine, more than ethereal, more than any word that would come to Bucky's mind.

Yet even from where he stood, he could see a sadness on her expression, an emptiness in her eyes, like a part of her heart was missing too.

When the spirit, or hallucination, or ghost, or goddess, looked down at him, despite the distance between them, it felt like - for the first time in a very long time - he was being _seen_. The beauty stared deeper into him than just his eyes, even further than his soul. The strawberry blonde was staring into his darkest depths, able to find within him the parts of himself that he'd forgotten.

"Just follow the red string Bucky," she ordered softly, clearly believing that Bucky would understand the meaning behind her cryptic words, "every time we lose each other, all we need to do is follow the red string."

Tears slipped down her cheeks as raindrops would slip across tree leaves, it was clear the words were important to her, and the stiffness between his heart and his belly told Bucky that the words were important to him too, he just couldn't remember why, the same way he couldn't remember who the goddess actually was. He wanted to ask who she was but he was almost too afraid to. His throat was clogged with all the memories he didn't have of who she could be.

"Find me, Meatball," she whispered beneath her breath, the words as loud as a scream in his head. All of a sudden she took a step forward, moving closer to the edge and Bucky felt his heart stop in his chest as dread consumed him entirely. She never stopped walking forward and he couldn't do anything to stop her. She was too far out of his reach.

As the strawberry blonde raised one foot over the edge, she spoke four more haunting words. "Before it's too late." And then, she jumped off the edge.

" _Addy!_ " The name tore through him like a lion breaking free of its cage as he launched himself into the body of water before him just as he saw the strawberry blonde's figure collided brutally with the surface.

He found himself immediately surrounded by blue. It had been clear at first but the deeper he delved the darker, and murkier, the water became. He could still see her though, no matter how dark it became he could still see her. She was surrounded by a halo of light, untouched by the darkness, a beacon like the lighthouses which called sailor's home.

But she was always out of reach. No matter how hard he tried to swim Bucky was simply incapable of reaching the strawberry blonde. From reaching _Addy_.

In that moment it was all his heart desired, reaching her, saving her, protecting her. Life itself was going to end if he didn't. That was all he could think and feel and sense. If she died then so did he.

"Addy!" He called out again into the suffocating waters. He couldn't stop repeating it, like the name was the only solace they had, the only thing he needed to save either of them. He repeated the word until his lungs were filled with the water. Until the water became like tar consuming his insides, until his eyes stung like it was fire, not water, caressing them. He continued to pierce the water with his wails until Addy faded completely into the darkness, the last thing he saw being the hand she had stretched out towards him. Or perhaps his fading vision was the cause of her disappearance.

He was fighting his body for consciousness, willing his eyes to stay open and his mind to stay sharp and his lungs to stop burning so violently in his chest so he could continue to swim further down, so he could reach the most important woman in his entire life.

But there was only so long he could last in that fight, and eventually, the darkness consumed him too...

"Bucky!" The voice that called out to him that time was also feminine but it wasn't the same as Addy's, the new female voice heavy with a Wakandan accent. He found himself not wanting to open his eyes, at least if he stayed in the darkness then he was still close to Addy.

It took the woman, that had been yelling out his name prior, slapping him on his right cheek to wake the super soldier up. The hit so abrupt it had him immediately sitting up, his one hand clenched and lifting up in the air slightly to automatically make a counter attack, he couldn't as someone had immediately placed a strong grasp on his arm and pushing the limb back down to the floor.

His throat was burning violently and his eyes were sore like someone had rubbed them with sandpaper. It didn't stop him from analysing the scene before him as he sputtered out the rest of the water that still bathed in his lungs. King T'Challa was kneeled at his side looking down towards him concerned, one hand keeping his arm down on the ground. Bucky also noticed that the king was drenched, his clothes stuck uncomfortably to his skin and droplets of water raining down his body from the top of his head. Shuri was beside him with a device in her hand that he knew was connected to an implant they'd put in his body so they'd know if the Winter Soldier had woken up (it also recorded his general health, which he guessed was why they'd arrived to save him then).

"Addy, I- I need to find Addy," he explained to them, breathless as he looked back to the top of the waterfall that was now empty.

Shuri followed Bucky's gaze towards the waterfall's edge but there was nothing but gushing water and emerald green moss surrounding the rocky structure, she turned back to Bucky confused at his behaviour, confused by the fact that they'd found him drowning in a ravine when there were no signs of anything that could have kept him beneath the waters. "Who the hell is Addy?"


	2. Part One

**Part One**

* * *

 _I don't think that I've been in love as such,_

 _Although I liked a few_ folk _pretty well._

 _Love must be_ vaster _than my smiles or touch,_

 _For brave men died and empires rose and fell_

 _For love: girls followed boys to foreign lands_

 _And men have followed women into Hell._

 _In plays and_ poems _someone understands_

 _There's something makes us more than blood and bone_

 _And more than biological demands…_

 _For me, love's the wind, unseen, unknown._

 _I see the trees are bending where it's been_

 _I know that it leaves wreckage where it's blown._

 _I really don't know what 'I love you' means_

 _I think it means 'don't leave me here alone.'_

\- Sonnet by Neil Gaiman

* * *

 **Fate is cruel, no two people knew that more than Bucky Barnes and Addy Carbonell. They were two people in love, the kind of love that burns and cools and overwhelms and overthrows, and they'd had to fight for that love in many different lives. They were soulmates that destiny didn't want together, that HYDRA didn't want together. But that's the thing about being soulmates, it's almost impossible to stop those two souls from being together.**

 **This is a story about the metal-armed giant and how he met the girl with forests in her eyes, and how their souls became intrinsically connected** _ **forever**_ **.**

* * *

 **COMING DECEMBER 25TH**


	3. Chapter One

**CHAPTER ONE**

* * *

"For some people, the 'point of no return' begins at the very moment their souls become aware of each other's existence."

― C. Joybell February

* * *

 **, 1929**

* * *

In a tiny bedroom, within a tiny apartment, rushed a tiny ten-year-old girl, trying to fit as many things as she could into a tiny bag.

Her room was dark and silent, filled with the sort of eeriness that would be expected in some kind of horror movie within the final short seconds before a terrifying jump scare. But no trembles and no whimpers escaped the tiny girl as she continued to move persistently around her bedroom, searching through drawers and boxes for anything of importance. There was no monster that could scare her, because she knew the worst of them all, familiarly. She knew where it was as well. The beast with long yellow claws and lips coated in blood slumbered outside of her room, a bottle of poison held tight in its hand despite its almost comatose state. That monster was what the tiny girl planned to avoid, to escape from, and that all started with her packing a bag full of all the essentials she was going to need to survive. That included her favourite teddy - Bartholomew the Bear - as well as some clothes. Really, those were the only things that she owned at her spry age of ten whole years.

As she shut her suitcase she made sure to do so as quietly as possible, her movements surgical and intricate as she worked on closing the lid and locking the clasps without allowing even a click to sound. Somehow the small girl actually managed to maintain that eerie quietness as she left her coat-closet-sized bedroom and entered the living room outside. It wasn't difficult being quiet when walking around the room as the noises from the New York City streets outside of her apartment echoed through the open living room window. The trouble came whenever she opened or closed the heavy wooden doors in the apartment.

Especially the front door. It was heavy and old and had been damaged many times by the monster, meaning it constantly got jammed or refused to open without a little struggle. Meaning there was no way she was going to be able to get out without waking up the beast. But the ten-year-old had already conceived a plan: to run as fast she possibly could. She would open that door and she wouldn't bother trying to close it quietly, she would just run, and she'd be given at least a minutes to run ahead before the monster realised she was trying to escape and set off to chase her.

As the tiny girl journeyed towards the door, Adelaine found herself pausing and looking towards the slumbering beast that didn't seem so beastly when asleep. Her long yellow claws were just stained nails that wrapped both desperately and tenderly around a bottle of red wine which was adding another stain to the floor. The beast, that small girl's much larger mother, could only seem to afford such a benevolence for alcohol, never her. Adelaine couldn't remember ever being held so tenderly by her mother, only able to recall sinister touches. The blood that coated its lips was lipstick smeared across her pale face, mixing with the dried mascara that had at one point been cascading down her face. There was something pitiful about the woman before Adelaine, but it did not quench the fire of determination that was bulbous in her body.

It had started that morning, the overwhelming fear that ignited action, it had started when she felt a horrendous pain in the back of her mouth. All she'd been doing before that was talking to Bartholomew, so it was quite scary when all of a sudden it felt like she'd been stabbed inside of her mouth. She'd wanted to scream out but she was too scared to move her jaw and, really, who would she have screamed for? The small girl had just stared at the wall opposite her with tears leaking from her eyes. And then when the pain persisted for another minute, she decided to do what she'd done when she'd accidentally stepped on a broken wine bottle when she was six years old.

She pulled it out.

She'd raised up a shaking hand and pushed her stumpy fingers strategically inside her own mouth. She'd reached for whatever horror was piercing her gums, finding that it was quite large and quite solid. Her heart was beating in her ears, so loudly she could no longer hear the monsters poison-fuelled rumblings outside of her door. But the small girl had to be brave. No, not brave, Adelaine had never been one for bravery, she just had to be smart, and that was something she was more than capable of being. The pain wouldn't stop if she didn't remove the source of the pain.

That was enough motivation to push her hand to tug backwards, the unidentified shard from inside of her mouth coming with her. The sound of her heart was replaced by a pained shriek. She'd clamped her eyes shut immediately and covered her mouth with her hand, trying not to let out any sort of sound that would stir the monster outside, but there was no pain and no blood filling her mouth. Only a piece of glass in her hand that had part of a label attached to it, the design familiar to the small girl as she'd had to clean up many bottles of red wine that had that particular label on them.

Her ten-year-old mind couldn't fully understand what that hallucination had meant for her body, she didn't know the difference between a hallucination and a vision, an oracle and a mental case. All she was able to gather was the palpable fear and sense of foreboding that was pointed towards the monster that was still drinking outside her bedroom at ten in the morning, slurring rampant, drunken, mumbles to herself.

The small girl knew that she needed to get away from the monster or bad things were going to happen to her, that was what the broken piece of glass had warned her of.

So, even in that moment when the monster looked more like her mother, the small girl was still sure that her life was in danger if she did not escape. The fear that the vision had provided her with was the greatest motivator the ten year old had so that was what she concentrated on, reminding herself of the pain the piercing glass caused and how much she didn't want to feel it ever again.

And then, she ran.

As expected the door made a loud sound as she tugged it open with all the power she could muster, from behind her the monster began to stir but she never looked back. She set off on her journey. Rushing down the stairs outside the door and making even more noise as her feet banged against the wooden stairs of the apartment building.

"Adelaine!" The beast cried out, the word barely discernible in it's guttural roar. Following the howl was footsteps but she was only able to hear two before she was outdoors into the city, her ears overrun by the sounds of people chattering and cars, the ambient petrifying sounds left behind but she knew it wouldn't be for long, that the beast would be following her.

The strawberry blonde turned left and set off in that direction, she almost managed to make it to the end of the street when she crashed into someone that had rounded the corner and was aiming to walk the direction she'd been coming from. Adelaine had been concentrating far too much on the journey and not the obstacles. Luckily for Adelaine the person who she'd bumped into had a very stiff chest and quick instincts. As she bounced back from his chest, her body aiming to fall on the floor, the stranger reached out and grabbed both of her arms securely enough to keep her on her feet.

"Whoa there," the boy chuckled, a youthful grin curving his pink lips, his entire expression filled with boyish charm that struck Adelaine at her first glance, that and his eyes. Though, it wasn't so much the colour of them that was most alluring, it was how bright they were, like a nirvana paradise had been stored inside of them.

And if she could hear his thoughts, well, she wouldn't hear anything. All of the boy's thoughts had been put on pause as he'd glanced at the tranquil green in her eyes and immediately been hypnotised. They were the type of green he'd never been able to see, definitely not in New York. They were full of life, an overwhelming amount of life that it was hard for him to notice the redness of the whites in her eyes or the way tears had settled at the bottom.

Then there was his touch, that sent electricity which split through her body along with more sensations. Nothing quite as daunting as the glass that had protruded her gum earlier, just a warmth that made Adelaine think of a flower opening up for the first time, in spring, no longer having to fear the winter's chill, the roar of snow, the death of ice.

It wasn't the first time she'd had those sort of sensations around people so it didn't really spook her as much. Around her mother she always felt her throat burn as though she were inhaling poison smoke when there'd be nothing around, sometimes Adelaine would even start to choke. Whenever she touched her elderly neighbour, she'd always get a headache, a short migraine. Even as she stood there in the stranger's arm she was getting different sensations as people passed her, they were all too fleeting to truly analyse, she just knew that they were there. The only thing that made the sensation the stranger gave her a million times more unique and sacred to her was that he was the only one who'd gifted her with a sense of safety, like she had nothing to fear anymore. She knew such a thing wasn't possible, though.

"I-I'm sorry," Adelaine managed to stutter out with great difficulty, her throat feeling tighter than she'd have liked but she put that down to the fear of the monster rather than nerves because of the boy in front of her.

"Wait," the boys smile seemed to crumble as he inspected her face closer, the lines that fear had formed on her face very much clear and not so easily ignored. His eyebrows clumped together as he investigated further, noticing the small bag she held tightly in her hand, a briefcase of sorts though the leather material was bulging from the inside as it had been filled up completely. Clearly she was planning to go somewhere, and considering that she'd been running, he couldn't help but assume that she might have actually been running. "Are you okay?"

Adelaine felt flawed by the question, but she knew that she couldn't tell the truth. The truth had never set her free before, only gotten her more in trouble. "I'm- I'm fine." No, she wasn't. She kept looking over her shoulder, looking over to the door of the apartment building she'd just exited from, waiting for the monster to charge out of it.

She needed to get away as fast as possible, away from the stranger and away from the apartment building, but the boy's grip on her elbows was quite tight and though his intentions might have been to save her from falling to the ground it reminded her too much of the way the monster would sometimes grab her. If she struggled, it would only get tighter, so like an animal caught in a trap she just stayed as still as possible hoping the predator would eventually think she was dead and release her.

"No offense, ma'am, but you certainly don't look it," he commented, growing even more suspicious every time she'd look behind herself with more panic bending her facial features. "Is there anything I could help you with?"

"N-" She was prepared to lie, something she'd had to do quite a bit already. She was ready to do anything to get away from the situation, but it was already far too late.

From behind her a skeletal woman passed through the doorway of Adelaine's apartment building, having to hold onto anything she could find in order to not stumble to the ground as the world around her spun and the light of day burned her eyes. Despite the way she squinted, it was easy for her to spot the small child among the sea of adults, the strawberry blonde curls a beacon of light that bounced off the sun. The monster, the woman, Adelaine's mother, took a few more steps forward, still having to hold onto anything she could find but it didn't stop her from raising one clawed hand in the girls direction. "Adelaine! Come here right now!" She screeched, voice like iron touching iron.

The strawberry blonde's legs felt like jelly as she heard the monster roar, every instinct in her body telling her to do as she was told because maybe, just once, if she did what the beast wanted, it would mean less pain for her. But the vision had showed her that wouldn't be the case, the vision had explained in a cruel and clear way that if she stayed in that house while the monster had it's bottle then she would be hurt worse than before.

Adelaine had no idea where to go though, there was no way she could go to the train station like she'd been planning because her mother would quite easily follow her. And she didn't really know the city, she was only allowed to go to the places her mother went, only allowed outside when her mother was outside, so there truly was no place for her to possibly go.

There was only one thing she could think of in that moment, and it was mostly due to the sense that she'd gotten when meeting the boy. Though logic dictated she should trust no one, the read she'd gotten on him told her that she could trust _him_.

Her head whipped back to facing the stranger, so fast that the movement surprised him and made him jump a little. "Please, I need somewhere to hide," she requested of the stranger, hoping that he might see from her pleading expression that it was a matter of urgency. There was still doubt weighing heavy in her heart, because no one had ever helped her in the past, and she wasn't sure if there was actually someone out there in the world who could rescue her.

She didn't know of the doubt weighing in the boys mind that whispered the same song, he did want to help her but he knew how cruel the world could be and he didn't know if she was any different to the scoundrels he'd met in his life. Despite clearly being quite young, she didn't seem innocent, just broken. He looked over to the approaching woman that was in a terrible state, make-up smeared all over her pale face that had cutting edges as the skin clung to her skeleton. It was a truly pitiful state, but unlike the clear distress he saw in the small girls eyes, all he could see in the woman's eyes was rage and greed.

In the end, he relied on his morals to make a decision. And those were that if he ever found a damsel in distress, he would do his best to be a prince and rescue her. The morals were mostly based off all the stories his foster mother had read him, and the way she'd always teach him to respect women. It was the reason he'd tried to help the strawberry blonde before the older woman had stumbled from the apartment a few steps behind them.

The woman was approaching, getting closer and closer, snarling with sharp eyes fixed on the child in front of him that had begun to weep. A decision had to be made.

He released both of her elbows and took a step backwards, and Adelaine was sure that he was going to walk away, to turn a blind eye the same way everyone else did. But then he reached out and grabbed her hand, and the warmth filled her again, bringing hope with it. "This way," he explained as he pulled her even more, the two beginning to set off on a sprint around the corner he'd appeared from.

The woman, the monster, released a guttural growl as she saw her daughter run away, not even noticing the boy properly, only seeing him as a meddler, another obstacle. She tried to chase them, turning onto the next street as they had, it was much busier as there were more markets, more people to get in her way. She was far too weak to chase two children, far too old and far too unhealthy. She watched from further and further away as they bumped into multiple people on their charge, and that had her plotting something quite devious.

"Please, please help me! My child has stolen from me and is trying to run away!" The concern seemed authentic, the plea in her voice reaching the hearts of most people on that street, many people looking to her with sympathy and then seeing the retreating children that had been quite rude pushing them all aside to get through. Their minds jumped to assumptions about both of the children after being fuelled by the mother.

That was what drove one man to turn his gaze on them, focusing on the pair with a dangerous expression on his face. It softened when he looked to the woman, turning into some sort of reassurance as he patted her hand, "we're on it ma'am."

As he set off on a sprint a few others began to follow him. "Stop right there!" One of them yelled out.

Both the boy and Adelaine looked behind them, eyes bulging when they realised they were the ones being yelled at. She couldn't stop looking at the group of large adults that had clearly been convinced by another one of her mother's spectacular performances, five grown men with threatening fists raised and painful promises falling from their lips unwarranted. It had her hope feigning.

Because she wasn't looking at the path ahead, just the obstacle, she didn't notice that as they rounded another corner that the boy wasn't planning to just run down another street, instead he was turning down an alleyway.

Adelaine ended up falling on the floor, scraping her knees across the ground and dropping the suitcase as her grip loosened from the surprise. The boy helped her recover quickly, they couldn't really afford any more time as the men hadn't rounded the corner yet but they would soon and the boy was hoping to lose them by going through the alleyway. He practically lifted her up off the floor, the suitcase remaining abandoned on the alleyway's floor as he carried her further down the alleyway, stopping outside of a side door.

They entered it quickly, and they didn't stop running despite closing the door behind them and both of them being sure that they wouldn't have been seen by the group of men. Fear still pumped their hearts with adrenaline and it allowed them to climb up the stairs in front of the doorway, running up ten floors of stairs before they burst into the outdoors on the roof, breathless.

Their hands unlocked as they bent over, trying to get oxygen back into their lungs, trying to stop their hearts from beating so frantically it was almost concerning. They were safe. She was safe. That was what she told herself, that was what logic dictated, but the fear was still there. In some ways, Adelaine knew that the fear would never truly leave her, no matter where she went.

After two minutes or so, she finally looked up and inspected where they were, it was just an empty grey rooftop, the only bit of colour added by a single plant pot that harboured white flowers. She was surprised the plants seemed to be blooming so well when it looked like barely anyone came onto the almost empty rooftop. "W-where are we?" She asked the boy, still out of breath but she was the first one between them to stand back up straight.

He shrugged his shoulders, not giving an answer back immediately as he did one final, long, inhale and exhale of air. The boy stood up straighter, trying to pretend that he wasn't so out of breath and he even puffed out his chest, putting on his charming face again, smiling again. She'd never seen someone smile so much, surely it hurt.

"It's just some building," he explained, kicking at a rock at his foot, "me and my buddy would hang out here sometimes, I used to live in the building which is why I know about this little spot. It's a pretty good spot to have when you need to hide from the world."

She nodded her head and said nothing more, not wanting to divulge on how much she could really do with such a place. Instead, she inspected her surroundings, searching out any dangers without even thinking about what she was doing. There was nothing there though, nothing that could have maintained her fear which is what she seemed to be wanting. Adelaine looked back to the boy, suddenly feeling lost after finding herself somewhere safe, when she noticed that the thick metal door had been closed and there was no handle, simply a keyhole. It was clearly one of those doors that could only be opened from the inside unless unlocked. "Wait, did you shut the door? How are we going to get back down?"

He kicked at the plant pot, unaffected by her clear concern and far too relaxed to comfort her. "There's a key under here," the boy explained with a slight laugh, amused by the way she'd accused him of being so much of an idiot that he'd taken them somewhere where they'd be more trapped than they had been down on the street.

"Oh," she sounded, looking down to the floor as she crossed her arms defensively over her chest, "right, okay. Okay." Adelaine didn't really know what else to do, they were just on a roof, just the two of them. It made her nervous, being alone with another stranger, another possible person who could hurt her.

She decided to wander away from him, to allow logic to dictate her thoughts seen as they weren't in any imminent danger anymore. If she kept her distance then she'd be safe. Adelaine journeyed over towards the edge of the building, bending her back slightly so that she could see over the edge.

Behind her back, the boy plucked from the flower pot one of the larger white flowers.

The men that were chasing her had returned down the street after doing exactly what the pair had wanted them to do, they were clearly trying to retrace their steps and locate where the two children could have gone. Adelaine's mother joined them, and even from so far away the strawberry blonde could tell her mother was putting on a performance, crying into her hands. The group seemed to discuss the topic further and then they split off in opposite directions, none of them aiming for the building that the two children were stood on top of.

They'd gotten away with it. Until the monster looked around, and spotted Adelaine's discarded suitcase.

She walked over to it and picked it up, inspecting the case until she seemed assured that it was actually hers. Then the monster looked over to the building, inspecting the alleyway the suitcase had been in front of, dropping the case back onto the floor into one of the puddles and then setting off down the side street.

Thankfully, despite getting closer to finding where they were, as the monster journeyed deeper into the alleyway, she simply passed the door that they'd used to get into the building.

"There they go," the boy announced with a sigh of relief that Adelaine easily mirrored.

They were safe, and Adelaine had gotten away. For the first time in her life she'd escaped the monster that had been clutching her so tightly in it's clawed hands since birth, leaving new bruises every day. She should have been relieved, yet Adelaine found herself more scared than she had been before.

She'd escaped, but was that such a good thing? Now she was alone in a terrifying world and she was only ten, she couldn't get a job, couldn't get a home for herself. And everything out there in the world, everything she'd face, was a complete mystery. All she knew was the tiny bedroom in the tiny apartment with the monster that slept in the front room and guarded the door. She had no idea what the world was going to be like, if it was going to be filled with monsters.

She couldn't go back home, that gave her only one other option. One large, daunting option that had her physically quivering in fear. She didn't even know what scared her more, the unknown or the loneliness. Either way, she noticed that a tear had begun to fall down her cheek and she bit harshly down onto her lip to try and stop any more from escaping along with a mewling whimper, she'd never been one for showing her emotions in front of people, it was what normally got her in trouble.

She didn't actually notice the tear as it slipped down her cheek, nor was she the first one to become hypnotised by its graceful yet morose movement down her pearly cheeks. The boy had been keeping a close eye on her without directly staring at her. He didn't really know how to behave around the damsel, he just knew that he needed to help her. "Are you okay?"

Adelaine let out a snort, a small smile making the corners of her lips reach up, it was a crooked, imperfect, smile. A smile that barely passed as a smile. "You've already asked me that."

"Yes I did, but you lied to me, I'm hoping this time you might be more honest," he responded truthfully, but she didn't seem very affected by his words, her eyes had remained locked on the street below. He was glad of that. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to think properly if he looked into her eyes again. Instead, the boy looked down at the ground as well, plotting in his mind of some way he could get the girl to talk.

All he wanted to do was help, but he couldn't exactly do that when she was keeping her lips so tightly sealed. It was obvious what the issue was, the same thing that had made him wary of helping her find a place to hide, _trust_. They knew nothing about one another, but that was easily fixed.

He turned his body around to face her fully, doing his best to disguise any shyness that tinkered away in his chest like an achingly slow-turning cog. "By the way, my names James Buchanan Barnes, though my friends call me Bucky."

 _Bucky_ , it was a strange name to her, one she'd never heard before. But Bartholomew had been a strange name to her too and she'd loved it enough to name her bear it. "Adelaine Evelyn Carbonell," she introduced herself back, knowing that was the polite custom after seeing her mother do so whenever she'd had no choice but to bring Adelaine along to her weekly bar visit.

"That's a very beautiful name," Bucky complimented, not trying to charm her but simply confess the truth, he really did like her name and every time he repeated the name in his head, a hand would tighten its grasp on his heart.

"James is a very handsome name," she returned, choosing not to mention her thoughts on his aforementioned nickname in case he misunderstood her.

The smile on his face grew even larger, almost taking up the entire bottom half of his face. It made her realise that he might be younger than she thought, perhaps he was another soul that had matured past their age. "I like to think I'm what makes the name so handsome," he quipped, and she could tell that he was only slightly joking. Adelaine simply rolled her eyes at his behaviour, not wanting to encourage such pride.

"So now that you know my name, will you finally tell me the truth?" He questioned with very little tact, his young age meaning he wasn't quite experienced enough to shape the conversation in a way so that it would simply flow to her telling him how he could help her.

Again her mouth remained closed and her eyes fell back to the street instead of resting on his wide smile, it seemed like she was going to reject him once again at first, but then her eyes rose to the sunny blue sky and that difference had him suspecting maybe there had been a change of heart as well.

He wasn't quite sure how he could understand her so easily, Adelaine would have no idea as well on why she could easily read him as well.

"I'm… I'm running away," she finally confessed, and she could practically feel the wall between them crumbling to dust as she took the first step towards creating some sort of trust between them rather than just protecting herself. He'd helped her, he hadn't wronged her, he'd done more than most had to earn her trust.

"To where?" Bucky questioned, keeping his words short, trying to not ask too much of her as it was clear she didn't want to just give away her entire life story straight away, he wasn't expecting her to and he didn't really want to give his away either, it was all about making her comfortable enough to approach him. Bucky imagined it was kind of like getting a stray dog to approach him, and Adelaine was the adorable dog in that equation of course.

"I'm not sure." The strawberry blonde lifted up her shoulders lazily, beginning to play at a loose thread on her dresses sleeve with her short chubby fingers, a complete parallel to the long skeletal fingers of her mother. She hoped to never look like her mother, like a monster. "Just away."

"Why?"

That question seemed to be a much harder one for her to answer as her eyebrows drew together and her lips were pressed into a thin line, Bucky waited patiently though, not trying to urge her for an answer but he didn't exactly tell her he didn't want to hear her thoughts.

Eventually an answer fell upon her tongue, one that wasn't too giving or too vague, one she could manage with the stranger knowing. With a reluctant sigh she admitted, "I don't have any reason to stay here, no one to stay here for." It still hurt her to say such a thing, to admit it to someone that didn't even know her, but she had a big problem when it came to people that only showed a false sense of themselves to others. It was the method the monster that was her mother always used to lure in its victims.

"I'm guessing your mother isn't a very nice lady, not the kind of person you'd want to stick around for," he assumed from the fact that the mother had been the one she was running from. To his surprise, Adelaine responded with a loud laugh, though once again it felt a little empty, just like her smile. It was a laugh that barely passed as a laugh.

"No, not at all. Or, she is to those that don't really know her," Adelaine said with an air of amusement, which was enough to tell Bucky that he'd seriously underestimated just how tainted her view of her own mother was. "She's a fraud," the strawberry blonde continued, not even realising that she was actually sharing detailed information with the stranger on something quite personal, she was only thinking about how, _just once_ , she wanted someone else to know that the women that charmed the world was nothing more than a wretched soul. "Performing a different personality for everyone she meets, the men get her charms, the women get her pompous lies, they all fall into her web of lies. And I get the stuff she can't have anyone else see or they'll think she's a… a monster."

The second time she released a short chuckle it was entirely sad, no doubt in either of their minds what emotion it was enunciating. She didn't hate what she'd said though, she hated that it was the truth, hated that it was the mother she had. And she was laughing because she couldn't understand any of it, not when she was so young, she just knew that her mother wasn't the same as all the other mother's she'd heard in stories, she was more like the evil stepmother's that turned into fire-breathing beasts. But she was still her mother, and she was still her daughter, and the expectation of them fulfilling that relationship and what it was supposed to represent weighed heavily on her shoulders every day. It was why she'd never attempted to run away before, because she was supposed to be a 'good daughter'.

Her second realisation came as she remembered how all the girls in the stories acted and how she was going against all of that just by saying the words she had. Adelaine was ashamed. Ashamed that she couldn't be the perfect child and that she'd just revealed that fact to James, he was probably disgusted by her, the same way her mother was disgusted by her every day. "Makes me sound like a horrible daughter, right? I should be respecting my mother."

Bucky was surprised by her words then, the switch between pure hatred towards her mother and the self hatred that had appeared making him draw his eyebrows up high. It made him sympathise for her more than he had before, because she'd just admitted to him that her mother was unkind to her, and then thrown all of that onto herself. It was so visible for him to see, yet was nonexistent for the small ten-year-old.

"Say whatever you want, you're allowed your own opinion as much as I am, right?" He responded seconds after she spoke, an assurance in his tone as he tried to not let Adelaine's self doubts overturn the progress they had just made between them.

For the first time in a while she finally looked over to his eyes, still as unsettled by the inordinate blue held in them, but that wasn't what she'd been looking for. Adelaine needed to know that he was telling the truth. She wanted that to really be his response and not a falsity he was spilling to get her on his side. Adelaine knew when she looked at him that he meant what he said, that he didn't want to damn her to hell for the few unflattering words she'd said about her mother. And she had no idea how to respond to that. "I… I guess… yeah." Her eyes couldn't stay on him for too long as the nerves overcame her, she wanted to believe that it was because of the subject but… he was also really cute and she'd never talked to a cute boy before, neither had she been alone on a rooftop with one.

"How about this, I'll judge you when you give me something to judge, deal?" He offered her his hand and despite the fact that she refused to look at his face, he showed how much he hoped she'd shake his hand in order to push her more, to accept that he really was only there to help her. Adelaine didn't hesitate, for two reasons: she was really starting to like James, and because fear told her that she would need such a deal in the future.

After she'd shaken his hand, James seemed to have one last surprise for her as he revealed in one hand that he had a flower hidden away. She didn't understand what he was planning to do with it so she just watched frozen on the spot as he raised up his hand and placed it behind her ear. He seemed quite proud of himself, immediately turning away and staring at the skyline with a smile shining as bright as the sun on his face. For Adelaine, a deep red blush took over the entirety of her body and it only worsened because she knew it was impossible for James to not have noticed the crimson stain of her skin.

"So, we should probably figure out where you can go after this," Bucky thought out loud, trying to move on from the short moment and Adelaine guessed that it was mostly for her benefit.

The strawberry blonde cleared her throat, though it had no effect on the blush warming her skin so she did what James had suggested, choosing to ignore it and move onto a different subject in the hopes that it would eventually fade. "I was thinking about just going to a train station and trying to go somewhere."

"You got any money?"

"No." Slowly she shook her head, ashamed because she'd known that money was going to be an issue the second she decided to run away but the fear had made her choose to ignore that fact. James' reminder of the issue made her realise just how in trouble she could be if she didn't find some way to get cash. "But maybe if I ask-"

"The people of New York aren't as nice as I am," Bucky interrupted, amused by what she'd just proposed. He reached into his back pocket and Adelaine was almost afraid that he'd pull out another flower but instead he brought out his wallet. He opened it up, pulling out some of the money inside, and for the first time since their meeting, Adelaine had no issue on keeping her eyes fixed. "I might be able to give you some of my pocket money, but I doubt it'll be enough," he mumbled, putting away some of the money he needed for himself and then beginning to count through the rest.

"Why are you helping me?" She asked abruptly, managing to pry her eyes from the wallet and the money that evolved in her a greed she wasn't familiar with and she didn't like it. Adelaine also asked the question because she couldn't stop wondering why he'd taken the time out of his day to rescue her, and why he was still trying to help her, especially because she couldn't exactly offer him anything. The flower that was settled behind her ear didn't help her understand what his intentions were.

"Because you're a damsel in distress, and my foster mum taught me some good manners," he responded, but even Bucky felt like he wasn't being completely honest. There was just something about her, something alluring, something that tore from his soul a desire to protect and take care of her.

He put his wallet away, leaving his hands in his pockets and Adelaine threw her eyes back to the skyline, the both of them staring at it even though all they wanted to do was stare at each other. Neither of them did, neither of them even understood what the palpable tension between them was, they could label it and store it away in a certain box for a moment, but they couldn't figure out it's true origin and purpose, not then, not that in that moment. It gave Adelaine the comfort she needed to pick up courage, and it gave Bucky the desire to make sure the small girl didn't end up hurting anymore.

"I could probably put you up for a bit," Bucky suggested, knowing that it was probably a tad too paramount but it was the only thing he could think to offer her, despite her being a complete stranger. "That way you can finish going to school and then maybe we could find you a job somewhere, you any good at sowing?"

"No," she responded quietly, annoyed at that little fact because for some girls it was one of the first things their mothers got to properly teach them. The first thing Adelaine was taught by her mother was how to open a bottle of wine.

"Well, you can surely lift boxes, right?" He pondered, trying to imagine the small girl working in some sort of warehouse but she didn't really seem to fit in. Of course, she'd probably be much older when she got a job. Was it wrong of him to be excited at the prospect of spending a few years with the obnoxiously green-eyed girl?

It seemed to finally hit her what he was actually proposing, that she just go and live with him despite only knowing him for a minute or so. It was absurd, and she couldn't do it. "I don't think I should really be staying with you. You're a stranger." Was it wrong that she felt her lungs hurt as she spoke the words, as though they were telling her to not be an idiot and accept the great offer from the boy with enthralling blue eyes?

"That's smart thinking," Bucky agreed, his response unexpected though Adelaine wasn't quite sure what she'd wanted him to reply with, it seemed a part of her was hoping he'd try and convince her. A part of him wanted to convince her as well, and he was weak to it. "It wouldn't just be me though, I'm staying with a foster family and there's some other kids there too. The adults can be a little dumb sometimes but they're nice enough, the dad cooks an amazing Sunday roast whenever we have enough money to afford it." Adelaine watched as James smiled fondly at all the memories appearing in her head, and she wondered what that was like, to be able to smile so much because there were plenty of things to smile about. "And I've got that friend, Steve, you might like him. He's pretty quiet too but he's got spirit. I reckon you have too, somewhere."

When James looked over to her after speaking, his heart broke a little and his heart softened because she wasn't smiling back, her eyes were downcast and despite the strawberry blonde girls that framed her face, he could still easily see pass them and see the frown on her face. He'd said all those things to try and make her laugh, to make her understand that the people he knew were all great and kind, but all it had done was hurt her more. Made her upset, because the grass looked so much greener on his lawn.

But it didn't just have to be his lawn, she could own a part of it too. If she would just accept his offering, just accept the opportunity he was giving her to live a new life, one where she wouldn't be mistreated by some sick alcohol skeleton.

"No one will hurt you as well, I can promise you that," he persisted, voice turning gentler. Her eyes flickered up to him and Bucky had known her long enough to realise that the slight movement meant he had her attention, he had her hooked, all he needed to do was draw in the string. Carefully, as though he were approaching a wild animal, he stepped another inch closer towards her, making sure to keep his hands in his pockets so she wouldn't be suspicious of him. "Look," he started again, "just meet them and see what you think. If you don't think you'll fit in then I'll personally help you get on a train that'll take you to somewhere."

It was the perfect proposition, one with an escape route in case she'd need one. It was the kind proposition that was too good to turn down despite any doubts, it simply outweighed them. Either way, she would be free. And one of the options even included her building a family, one of humans, not monsters. It was almost like a fairytale, and despite how much Adelaine tried to act older than her age, she couldn't deny her love for a good fairytale.

"Can we stay here for a bit first?" She requested, slyly giving him the answer he'd hoped to hear. Yes, she was going to go with him. If Adelaine hadn't clearly been in such a sombre mood, Bucky might have actually jumped for joy. "I just want to…"

"Be okay," James finished for her, "Don't worry, I understand. I come up here all the time for the same thing."

They stayed there longer than planned. That boy and that girl stayed on that rooftop until the wind quietened, the sun went to sleep, and the sky turned black. For the most part, they talked, Bucky telling Adelaine stories of his foster families and his best friend who had remained a constant in his life. She rarely shared much about her own family, not wanting to tell him too much in case he ran away.

Somehow they'd moved closer through the evening, the two sat close that the peach fuzz hairs on their arms would often brush against one another's. It kept them warm, unusually warm considering the temperature drop after the moon had risen.

Below them the street lights had turned on, causing an orange glow that could not reach them, in her mind Adelaine couldn't help but think that in some ways it was like the fires of hell were below them. The city a hell she never wanted to return to. Above them there wasn't a spectacular view of the heavens as clouds coated most of it, but there was some openings and through them she could see stars winking down at her, promising the tiny girl that there were much larger things than the horrors of the city below. The city she knew she had to eventually return to.

"You ready to go?" Bucky asked, his voice tired and quieter than normal as the day's events had taken their toll on him, that, and it was closing in on his bedtime. He rubbed his hands across his face and then through his hair, as though he were trying to scour the sleep off of himself, Adelaine observed him, finding it much easier to look at him after spending those long hours with him. She still couldn't stare into his eyes though, and James couldn't stare into hers either.

"Yeah," she sighed, the first one to stand up despite actually wanting to just remain on the rooftop for the rest of her days. Adelaine knew that was impossible though, she needed food and water and warmth. Bucky stood up as well and joined her side as they walked over to the door, him unlocking it and allowing her to walk through first. As they travelled down the long winding staircases Adelaine asked another question, "how should I behave when we get there?"

"That's a weird question," Bucky noted, pulling a face. She wasn't shocked at the news that changing her behaviour depending on the people she met was weird, it had always felt unusual but it was what her mother would constantly tell her to do. For the neighbour, be sweet. For the men she brought home, be quiet. For the shop owner where she got (not necessarily bought) her wine, be talkative.

"Just be yourself," he encouraged, bravely reaching out and taking her hand in his once again. They'd done it before when they were running to the building so it shouldn't have felt strange, but it definitely did feel strange, in a nice way though. "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. I'm sure as soon as we're in there, Mary, the mother of the family, will want to make you a big meal and a warm bath. And William is going to no doubt warn all of us boys to be on our best behaviour cause you're a lady."

It all sounded too nice, and usually that meant it was too good to be true. "Please don't leave me," the question passed through her lips as a barely-there whisper, as though she'd tried to stop it but the plea had been too powerful and managed to break free anyway. He was glad it did, glad that she was willing to ask such a thing of him, glad to see that they weren't just strangers on a street anymore.

"Don't worry, Addy," he began, not knowing the effect the new nickname had had on her. Her mother had called her names before, but she'd never had a nickname, and it was one she quite liked. Adelaine had always sounded far too pompous for her liking. "I promise I'm not going to."

But he was just a child, and children shouldn't ever make promises as the likelihood of them keeping them is near to impossible. That was a lesson he learnt as they finally stepped outside of the building, a strange red and blue light flashing across the walls opposite them. Neither one of them got to figure out what the lights were before a sudden pale hand shot out and grasped at Adelaine's arm, nails digging in deep enough like a fish caught on a hook.

The hand snatched her away from Bucky, and just like that, the promise he'd made mere seconds ago had been broken.

"There you are, brat," the woman, the monster, Adelaine's mother, hissed secretly at her. She dug her claws deeper into Adelaine's arm, making the girl cry out but the mother disguised the scream by yelling out herself, waving her free hand towards the end of the alley. "Here! Police!" The voice she used for them was completely different, not a guttural growl but a desperate, harmonic, plea that no man with morals could resist from a lady. Bucky watched in horror as he witnessed first hand just how wicked the monster's performance was. He continued to watch as she pointed over towards him, "this is the boy who tried to kidnap my darling Adelaine!"

"What? No!" Adelaine had struggled from the moment she was grasped, but after hearing her mother's words she fought even harder, shaking her entire body to try and free herself of the trap. It was of no use. If she'd have actually fought her mother, thrown out a kick or a punch, then perhaps she would have been able to free herself. But she couldn't, Adelaine couldn't hit her mother, and she'd regret that for the rest of her life.

"James!" The strawberry blonde cried out as her mother began to drag her down the alleyway, the police passing by her and running over to Bucky, immediately grabbing a hold of his arms and lifting him off the ground so that he couldn't run after her. He'd never looked more like a child to Adelaine than he had in that moment, defeated by two grown men, the adults once again betraying her.

Fairytales weren't real, Adelaine realised, they could have been but the adults simply wouldn't allow it.

Her mother continued to drag her weeping body away, and the last thing she could heard from James was him crying out her name, a sob cracking the name as it flew past his lips. "Addy!"

It was like her body simply gave up, her mind definitely had. She just cried and allowed herself to be dragged back to the apartment building, back to hell. Adelaine knew what was going to happen, what her vision had predicted, she was going to get back to the apartment and her mother was going to grab a wine bottle and smash her head with it. That was clearly what the vision had been trying to tell her, and despite her attempts at escaping she'd failed.

All she ever did was fail.

Yet when they did get back to the apartment, after being bashed against every possible wall, Adelaine was thrown inside of her bedroom. She immediately cowered on the floor, curling up into a ball and looking away ashamedly as her mother screeched at her. "You are grounded, you ungrateful little brat. You aren't allowed outside of your bedroom for a week! You will clean this house top to bottom every day! And you better not speak a _word_ or I swear to god you will meet the back of my hand."

"You can't do this," she whimpered amongst her sobs, knowing in her heart that it just wasn't _right_ ; that the way her mother treated her, wasn't how a mother was supposed to treat their child.

"I can do whatever I want, I'm the parent you're the child!" The monster roared back, filling the room with her screeching voice and as it began to fade she turned around and slammed the door loudly, making another bit of the wall above the door fall to the ground.

From behind the door she heard her mother say, "I need a drink, I'm too sober for this shit."

In some ways what her mother had said brought her great relief, if her mother was sober then that meant the monster would be much kinder, not aggressive enough to smash a bottle of wine on her head. Maybe she had changed the fate by escaping that night and forcing her mother to sober up whilst in public trying to locate her. It was only a small comfort, the tip of the iceberg as laying beneath was an entire planets worth of agony.

She was back there, in that house, with that monster waiting outside of her door. It was almost like James had never truly happened, like she'd never really met him and felt all those wondrous feelings.

In the pocket of her dress she felt a weight and through her sniffling she reached to grab it, pulling out the thick wallet James had brought out earlier. She'd stolen it without him knowing, a display of greed which she knew had come from all the time she'd spent with her mother. It made her feel even more hatred towards herself, not just the situation she was in, not just towards who her mother was. She'd always planned on giving it back, she'd believed that once she was assured that his family would keep her safe then she'd have no need for the money in it, no need to use it on a train to try and get her out of New York.

Angrily, she threw it across the room, not sure which emotion was more powerful, the tsunami of sadness that destroyed the instability inside of her or the volcanic anger that burnt all logical thought in her mind to ash. She felt helpless, more than she ever had before. It was all because she'd hoped. She'd allowed herself to believe that maybe there was a chance of a better life, of being able to put her faith in another person. It was all for nought, and all she was left with was more broken pieces of herself.

But the flower was proof of the opposite. The small, white daisy hidden behind her ear that slipped to the floor as she continued to cry. That was her proof that there was hope out there and kindness out there.

That tiny flower was the beginning of Addy.

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 **A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS! I'm so happy that I could post this today and that I can give this to you, I'm actually really incredibly scared of your reaction towards this as I'm very unsure about the project, it has blossomed from a very small idea I had into something much larger and yeah, please do let me know what you think! Seriously, I need the motivation. Part one is something I am excited about, but part two is where this idea first started, part one was only meant to be flashbacks but then I decided that I owed Addy and Bucky (Buddy) the honour of having their entire story told.**

 **Prepare yourself for time changes, there are a lot but I'll always put a date at the top. I try not to be specific because the movie itself isn't very specific. But yeah, merry Christmas you wonderful people, I sincerely hope this is enjoyable.**

 **To CrumblingUniverses, this review made me smile so much, I'm so happy to have you here and I can honestly tell you that part one is an okay one, it's not nearly as angsty and horrifying as The Chaos In Stars part five, I PROMISE! YOU GOT DIS!**

 **To musicluver246, thank you so much! Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

 **And to everyone that read, followed, and favourite'd, THANK YOU! You motivate me to write every day!**


	4. Chapter Two

**CHAPTER TWO**

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 **"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."**

― **William Shakespeare**

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 **March, 1938**

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Perhaps it was the time that had Addy Evelyn Carbonell feeling so melancholy. She'd woken up in a good mood and gone about her day with a motivated heart, doing a shop, purchasing her favourite bun from the bakery and not even waiting to get home before she munched down on it (as per usual). But as night had fallen and she'd set off from her apartment to work, Addy found her mood begin to melt away, leaving her with only an ice block left inside of her.

There was no doubt in her mind really, it was the night sky, the blackness that washed over her which was only improved by the few dots of twinkling stars. She'd never admit it, but there was something about the darkness that scared her.

It was found everywhere, in every alleyway and every street corner, passing through windows without any trouble, consuming any space it could find and creating a veil for all the dark things to come out and play, all the monsters and all of those with monstrous intentions. Normally she would not have been outside at that point, but it was her first night working the night shift at the bar Rendez-vous and she'd had no choice, she really needed the money.

As she walked down the street her discomfort was clear. Addy's legs were moving as fast as she could make them and her arms were wound across her chest like some sort of shield, she hid the bottom half of her face in the scarf she wore and kept her eyes strictly on the path, a small part of her scared of what she'd see if she did look up.

The fast pacing got her to the bar quickly and all it took was one step inside of the building for her to be able to breathe regularly again. Rendez-vous was a second home to her, the place she'd gone to stay at after her mother abandoned her for another husband, and the place she'd been working at for quite a few years. Through the day it was a humble bistro, but at night it became more of a bar than anything else, many people coming in to get as drunk as possible.

Addy had only spent one night at the bar previously, just to see what the night-life was like and if she'd have any interest in it. She hadn't liked it one bit. It was… messy. Drinks were spilt by drunken fools that slurred every song that the singer of the night would perform. The performances were never good, all the singer's amateurs trying desperately to get their one second of fame. And the worst thing was how people's inhibitions were flown out of the window along with all the smoke that would fill the room from everyone having a cigarette. She could never tell whether it was the alcohol or the night, but either way, it made her feel unsafe.

But she needed the money. That's what she'd reminded herself of since accepting her bosses - and best friends - offer for a night shift. The rent for her apartment had gone up and she had a problem with spending her money on… _unnecessary_ things.

"Hey there, right on time," a voice greeted her once she entered the back of the building and she turned around to face her friend with a warm smile, meeting brown eyes that belonged to Alice Hawthorne, the owner of Rendez-vous and the woman who had been more motherly towards Adelaine than the woman who'd actually given birth to her.

Addy had to unwind the unnecessary scarf she was wearing around her neck before she could speak, "did you expect anything different? I'm your best employee after all."

"Don't mistake being my favourite person for being my favourite employee, and also please never save that in front of the others," Alice chuckled, though both of them knew that Addy wasn't exactly wrong. The strawberry blonde was one out of three employees, and the other two simply weren't as dedicated to Rendez-vous because it had never been their home. Addy was the only one out of the three who had never taken sick days off, and she'd never taken her holiday days except for the two times when she'd been forced to by Alice who was only trying to take of Addy.

Addy had never needed to take days off because she had nothing else going on in her life, she never dated and she didn't have any family members that required seeing to. Working was the only thing she had and it wasn't such a bad thing, it meant she had money to afford to live somewhere nice and have a meal on the table every day. She saw no issue with being a workaholic despite how everyone else at Rendez-vous would constantly give her flack about it.

"Yes boss," she saluted theatrically before hanging her coat and scarf up on a hook beside the door. "So what are you going to make me do today?"

"Well, we're hosting a birthday party today-"

"Here?" Addy scoffed, her surprise unhidden.

The bar owner immediately rolled her eyes at the words, not really insulted by her employee's palpable shock because she knew that Rendez-vous needed a lot of work to become somewhere as special as the more popular bars in New York. It was just a humble little bar trying to make its mark. Still, Alice liked to consider the place a hidden gem and she knew that some of the patrons would agree with her, the bars unpopularity possessing a certain kind of uniqueness that was mostly down to the staff that were social and kind. It was the kind of place that saw patrons as people, not customers, that was one of the things Alice did her best to ingrain in everyone she employed. Addy would also confess that it was one of the reasons she enjoyed working there so much, because whilst it was a job and did have it's tiring moments, they were all still allowed to have fun; it was almost a guarantee that everyone who left Rendez-vous had a smile on their face.

"Yeah," Alice eventually answered with a tight-lipped smile, and Addy immediately knew that the thoughtless comment she'd thrown out had gotten her in trouble. Alice always smiled like that when she was mad, and it was an ode to just how kind of a woman she was, at least to Addy, because Alice would never scream or shout or resort to violence, she just put on a tight-lipped smile and make great use of the words she knew. "Not everyone can afford a birthday party at a palace, but I didn't think this place was that bad."

"No, I didn't mean it like that," Addy attempted to backtrack, "I just meant that this is more of a casual place, not really a birthday party venue. Have we ever even hosted a birthday party before?"

"I know exactly what you meant," the bar owner replied, clearly still not pleased with Addy and what she'd said, "and for that comment, you can work on the bar tonight."

For a moment she was quiet, her first instinct was to argue against such a call because her anxiety around people when the moon was high still screamed inside her mind like blisters on her brain but that wouldn't matter to Alice. Alice had always had a philosophy that if she was scared of something then that something needed to be faced, and she'd pushed that same view on Addy since the day she took her in. It was a good thing too, considering the state Addy had been when her mum abandoned her at Alice's doorstep for a man when she was just twelve years old. So instead of concentrating on what words to say, Addy nodded her head and put all of her efforts into building up some mould of courage within her.

As she began to pass by Alice towards the main room where a bar full of drunken, uninhibited, monsters were all waiting for her, she was stopped once more by her boss who held up a finger, "oh," she sounded, drawing Addy's attention even more, "the coffee machine is broken again, do you think you could fix it before you go home tonight?"

"Of course I can," she answered easily, knowing full well she was the only one that worked at Rendez-vous able to actually understand the machine, despite how many lessons she'd given to Alice over the past few years.

"That's my little genius," Alice cooed, immediately leaning over and pressing a motherly kiss to the top of her head, ignoring the way Addy had shut her eyes when she'd leaned in. That was the good thing about Alice, she always disregarded the flinches and shivers. "Now go on," the bar owner proceeded to push against Addy's shoulder, "go serve the people."

Immediately she wanted to go back to enduring Alice's physical touch because doing that was a lot easier than facing her fear of the drunken tomfoolery happening at the bar. But she couldn't turn back, she'd insulted Rendez-vous and for that she had to pay a toll, the toll being one panic attack of course.

As expected the bar was filled with noise, most of it being the hollers of men, as though they were releasing battle cries when all they were doing was applauding the dame stood atop the tiny stage who'd just finished one of her covers. She was dressed to the nines, a red dress and lots of glittering jewellery, creating a portrait of herself that she was meant for more than the small little bar she sang in. Addy knew the truth though, she knew that the red-covered dame was just another girl with broken dreams trying to make it in a world that didn't want her, but at least she could find a piece of that dream in Rendez-vous. Addy snorted as she thought to herself that that should have been Rendez-vous' slogan, 'the place you can find remnants of your broken dreams in'.

She tried to show no fear as she moved across the bar quickly, collecting the empty glasses the ten or so patrons for the birthday party had abandoned. Behind her, Alice leant against the doorway, keeping a protective eye on the strawberry blonde as she knew too well the worries that would float around Addy's head.

The shorter-than-most eighteen-year-old approached the one person that was sat at the bar, the other party-goers had made sure they were as close to the lovely singing brunette as they could be. He wasn't applauding or yelling like the others, he was just shaking his head at their boisterous behaviour amusedly though he did turn to face her once he noticed she was approaching.

He was different from the others, she sensed that immediately from him. When in his presence she did not feel a numbness in her mind that usually reflected that the person she was near was drunk. Though the sensation only lasted a few seconds, it could sometimes be quite daunting. She'd first discovered it around her mother, and sometimes she'd felt so numb it was like wandering through a black expanse having to fight for control over her body that had been walking through the dark haze for years and years.

Or perhaps it was simply _him_ that made her feel like he was different. The way he looked charming and soft, the way he smiled with an extra quirk to his lips, and those eyes of his. Those were dangerous eyes, the kind that lured everybody in, stronger than any song or spell. They were the kind of blue that reflected a paradise everybody wanted, and perhaps that was why it was so easy to get lost in them, because people would search his eyes for that paradise even though there was no promise of ever finding it. They were eyes that reminded Addy of a boy she'd once known, a boy it hurt her to recall.

She shook her head slightly, trying to be discreet with the way she attempted to clear all thoughts of the prince that had once upon a time tried to rescue her. "Can I get you anything?" She asked the man who'd been staring at her for a second too long, she didn't find it suspicious or anything because she'd stared back at him the same length of time.

The question somehow became quite difficult for him, the man pulling a face as he stared at the small collection of alcohol that they had on show behind her. Eventually his eyes settled on one particular bottle, "I think I'll go wild and have a whiskey, please."

"A whiskey is about as wild as you can get here." Addy had mumbled under her breath as she grabbed a glass from beneath the bar and began to fill it with the only whiskey they served, along with four blocks of ice.

"What?"

"Nothing," she immediately responded, having hoped previously that he wouldn't have heard the quiet muttering she'd made to herself. He seemed to let it go after she handed him his drink, removing himself from the bar after a group of his friends began to wave him over. He said goodbye to her, but all she could afford was a tight-lipped smile and once he'd left she released a long exhale. As though interacting with him had been one big challenge for her.

Behind Addy, Alice shook her head disappointedly. The bar owner was hoping that through doing more night shifts her friend would get used to interacting with people, the same way Addy had gotten used to interacting with the business patrons through the day. It was hard to believe whenever someone saw the beaming, social Addy that worked through the day, that she'd once been a shy, practically mute, waitress. It had been a challenge getting her to open up to people in general, but Alice had never backed down and constantly pushed her to make appropriate changes in her life. Doing what the strawberry blonde's mother should have done in the first place, instead of creating this fear in her that all people were evil.

The phone began to ring so Alice left to go to her office, leaving Addy on her own, getting lost in her thoughts as she watched the boisterous young men holler some more at the woman, requesting that she sing a song for the birthday boy. Of course the dame was more than happy to do so. They didn't fit in the bar, not the bar she'd known which was the calmer daytime version. They were drowning themselves in alcohol and being as loud as they possibly could. Before them it was just a quiet place with enough alcohol to appease the few people that came, the few people that were familiar. The group of men were all strangers, like an unknown bacteria to her.

Time passes by, an hour of songs and more drinks, an hour of Addy running around the bar collecting empty glasses and trying to keep to herself, never interacting with the patrons. The only person who actually noticed her whenever she slinked around the bar, was the first person she'd served that night, he'd constantly try and smile at her but she never looked up to meet anyone's eyes.

In the end, he got bored with his friends and their fawning for the singer, his attention taken far too much instead by the girl with a forest in her eyes. He finished the rest of his drink quickly, despite having spent the past hour only taking small sips from his drink - he didn't want to get as drunk as the rest of his friends, someone needed to be there to supervise and make sure they didn't do something stupid - and then he walked over to the bar where Addy was once again having to wipe away spilt drinks.

He placed the glass down hard enough to make a noise that attracted the strawberry blonde's attention. When she wandered over he smiled at her and she attempted to reciprocate but it was more of a slight twitch of her lips than a face-filling smile like the one he wore, still, he took that as a sign that she was okay to talk with him for the moment. "You look like you're enjoying yourself?" He observed, trying to keep his tone light so that she wouldn't take his words offensively.

Immediately her smile drops, she didn't look offended, she just looked disappointed because her facade hadn't worked. Her expression turned bitter as she took his glass and began to refill it. "It's not my birthday party, I don't need to have fun, I just need to serve drinks," she responded simply as she put his drink back in front of him.

The stranger laughed at her response and gave a simple nod, not putting the effort into arguing with her because there was some truth in her statement. She wasn't there to have fun, she was there to work. "Still," he said after one sip of his drink, "a smile could go a long way."

She was surprised by the way he was reacting to her obvious discomfort, he didn't seem to mind it too much, though perhaps that was just his laid back personality more than anything else. She still couldn't trust entirely that he really was just a kind spirit and not some sort of deviant like she assumed ever night-time participator was. It was hard for her to believe anything different after meeting the many men her mother would bring back from her night-time visits at multiple bars. Either way, it had her quite enjoying her time with him. His presence eased her panic, and though she was sure that it was due to the fact that he reminded her of the prince she'd met years ago, it didn't stop her from enjoying the minute of peace she was experiencing.

The strawberry blonde put on as big a smile she could muster, stretching her lips as far as she could, and the stranger could only let out another low chuckle as he found the very pained expression on her face extremely amusing. "Will this do?" She asked, words stiff and her eyes looking slightly crazy.

"It's the best smile I've seen all night," he retorted, a much nicer smile curving his lips. He looked a lot more charming than she did, so Addy gave up on the smile, immediately wiggling her jaw to loosen the ache she'd caused. She proceeded to roll her eyes, able to not take his words as anything more than banter because if he had dark intentions then she would have been able to sense it in him. It would appear as a shadow behind him, contorted with sharp edges stick from its body. "Though, normally I do prefer my smiles to actually be real." There he went again, she thought, saying something that no ordinary man had said to her before with an authenticity she didn't actually know could exist in a man that looked like _that_. "Would me buying you a drink help?"

Her eyes turned sharp for a moment as she thought over his offer. She knew he didn't have any dark intentions, she knew that wasn't in danger in his presence, she knew that he had a kind spirit. But there was still that fear… there was always going to be that fear. "Normally I'd say no," she started, ready to decline his offer but the thought 'there was always going to be that fear' repeated in her mind again and she realised that she didn't want the fear to always be there, she wanted to be free of it more than anything. Perhaps that drink was the start of her freedom. "But on this occasion..." Addy doesn't finish her sentence, instead she found another glass of whiskey and poured some for herself.

"And the occasion is?" The stranger asked, clinking her glass before taking another gulp of his own drink, Addy joining him that time.

"Well, didn't you hear? It's someone's twenty-first. And I pride myself on only ever drinking alcohol during celebrations," she cheered without feeling, holding up her glass and finishing the rest of the drink.

What she'd said had been true, that she never drinks except during celebrations. Even during celebrations, she would only have one or two glasses, she'd never actually gotten drunk before. It was another thing to do with her fear. She never specified what her fear was, simply called it the fear, because every little thing she was scared of always linked back to her mother. She couldn't do something because her mother did it, couldn't like something because her mother liked it, couldn't interact with people because she'd once interacted with her mother and that didn't turn out so well.

As they both finished their drinks she poured him another and then was called away by a group of men all wanting drinks, she gave him a small smile before whizzing off and the stranger couldn't help but think about how that might have been the first unforced smile she'd sent his way.

He didn't stop staring at her. She didn't seem to notice as she was busy pouring all the patrons their beers, but the man stayed in his seat and admired her. He couldn't drag his eyes away from her even if he wanted to really. There was just something _lovely_ about her. Even though her personality had been somewhat cold, there was a warmth to be found in the way she bantered with him and he wanted to explore that more, he wanted to get to know the her hidden behind her obvious discomfort towards people in general.

She was also beautiful to look at, beautiful in an unconventional way. The woman singing on the stage was a rose, dressed up and perfumed, appealing to all eyes, and the barmaid was just an ordinary leaf. She wasn't dazzling in any way, her outfit consisted of a blouse and skirt, her strawberry blonde curls were thrown up in a bobble and many twirling strands had fallen lose to cradle her round face. She was also short which gave her a much bolder figure than the dainty one the rose possessed. Addy was ordinary. And whilst it might have been ordinary to love the beautiful, that man found it was more beautiful to love the ordinary in that circumstance.

Another song started in the background and the singer let loose, pretending she could hit higher notes than she could and all the boys joined in as the song was quite well known. The song was called 'Heart and Soul', it's simple lyrics quite easy for them all to begin singing along. Even the man joined in, raising his glass and waving it in the air as the others were doing as well.

Behind him Addy approached him once more, a laugh actually escaping her as she watched his merry behaviour. "Don't quit your job," she told him, having to speak a little louder than previously in order to get him to actually hear her.

When he turned back he was grinning, joyous, having a great time at the party. Addy struggled to imagine him _not_ smiling. "And what about you, can you sing?" He asked challenging, feigning offence from her comment.

"Oh, marvellously," she responded easily, not even aware anymore of how surprisingly easy it was to talk to him. Alice, who had finished with her office business for a moment, had come out and was observing the two though, and she was definitely shocked by the fact that Addy was conversing casually with the customer, not just serving a drink and hiding away.

"Really?" He scoffed.

"Yes," she pushed, doing a flamboyant nod of her head as she grabbed her cloth from beneath the bar and began to wipe the sides again. He'd noticed she was always doing something, never stopping for a break, keeping her mind busy. "I've even performed for kings and queens before."

"No I know you're lying," he responded, gesticulating with his hands that her words were completely false by waving them side to side.

She winked over to him, "you have no proof."

Again he could only tip his drink towards her because she was right about that, he didn't have any proof so he couldn't logically put up any more of an argument. "So, how long have you worked here?" He interrogated lightly, changing the subject and urging her to continue a conversation with him. He was enjoying her company more than he was enjoying his friends, little did he know that she felt the exact same way.

"Quite a while actually, but this is my first time working nights at the bar," Addy explained, finished with wiping the bar she struggled to find anything else to do, she'd washed the used glasses before returning to the stranger's side. So she leaned against her hand and engaged herself fully into the conversation with him, tuning herself completely in what sense he was giving her, waiting for it to change to something dark.

Addy was far more in tune with her senses than her childhood self had been, there was still very little understanding for why it existed. There were some people who would call it a psychic ability but there was no other scientific proof of such powers ever existing, it was by far the most plausible though. The other theory was aliens, and Addy wasn't sure if she liked the idea of herself at some point being probed.

She at least understood what her ability included. Alice once said she was like a Greek oracle, but that was when the strawberry blonde had hit a rather low point and was detesting the sensations people gave her. She could have visions that predicted the future, though they were never clear predictions, they were always things that needed every detail to be analysed completely in order to understand. Then there was the 'sense' which allowed her to understand people intrinsically, giving her the sight of their souls, their past and sometimes even there future. There was nothing grandiose or powerful about her ability, the only person that ever got hurt from her ability seemed to be herself.

"And how are you liking it so far?" Bucky asked, the group of patrons behind them beginning to yell much louder but the only effect that had was making the pair talk louder. It was strange, but they were completely in their own world at that point, like they were stood on a rooftop far away from any prying ears, just conversing with one another and ignoring the city below even though in this case it was right behind them.

The strawberry blonde shrugged her shoulders, unable to stop her fingers that began to twist the cloth in her hands. It helped lessen her anxiety and make her feel less uncomfortable whenever she had something to do with her hands. "Well, aside from the boring birthday party, it's been going pretty swell."

Though the sentence had just been a casual comment from Addy, it seemed to bring forth another wide grin from the stranger. "Boring?"

"Oh yeah," the strawberry blonde imposed.

"How so?" He was leaning in even closer towards her, completely raptured by their conversation and apparently finding great joy from it.

She leant forward too, getting closer to him than she would normally allow herself to get near a stranger, Addy knew she needed to lower her voice so her boss wouldn't hear her talking so negatively about Rendez-vous. Really she did love the place just as much as Alice, it was her second home, but from her experience of popular night clubs where birthdays were usually booked it just didn't hold up in comparison.

"The entertainment we've hired can't actually sing all that well so I'm guessing she was cheap," Addy started to list, counting the reasons on her fingers, "the alcohol here isn't too bad but there isn't exactly a grand selection, and birthday boy seems to have gone in hiding cause I haven't seen or heard from him at all and that is reason enough."

"Bucky!" A smaller man appeared by the stranger's side, grasping his shoulder tightly and repeatedly looking from the brunette haired man to a corner of the room away from the stage. Addy had to look at the blonde man twice as first she'd been sure he was a child that didn't belong in the bar at that time, then she realised that the blond was actually an adult, just a very, very, short adult. "You gotta help me out here."

Then she focused on his panicked words, and realised that he'd called the stranger 'Bucky', a nickname she'd heard once before in her entire life. But that didn't mean it was the same Bucky she once knew, it couldn't possibly be. Sure, his name was Bucky, he made her feel safe, and he had bluer-than-blue eyes, but that didn't mean that it was her prince. She'd spent years searching for him, albeit she wasn't some great detective but her childhood self had still spent a decent amount of time trying to find the man that had been the only one before Alice to try and save her from her mother. There was no way she'd just end up bumping into him in the place she worked. There was no way.

Bucky looked from the small blond man to the corner of the room where another dame was sat, her hair matching the orange glow set by the lights and candles set around the bar, she was dressed in a lovely floral dress that hugged her figure and left enough room to show off her longs. Addy couldn't deny the beauty of that person, finding that it could mostly be found in the suggestive slight rise on the side of her lips, it oozed a confidence Addy simply wasn't familiar with. That confidence became even clearer as waved towards all three of them, meeting their stares unabashed.

"The redhead not working out?" Bucky asked his friend,

He shook his head gravely, "she's a bit too… exciting, for my taste."

"Oh come on Steve, we all know you secretly like a bad girl, she's perfect for you," Bucky shoved at his friend's side gently, trying to encourage him to go back to the self-assured redhead. Addy was observing quietly, returning to her mute ways for a moment as she tried to get a read on the shorter man and his personality. She focused on her sense, always trusting that more than logic.

The sense she got of Steve could only be described as a bird trapped in a cage, a big heart far too large for the body it was locked in, a spirit too powerful for the human body. The sense she got from him was one that made her shoulders slump from the mere weight she could see on his shoulders, the weight of a world he couldn't fight to protect, the weight of uselessness. It was both saddening and frustrating, and she expected it was the same way for him even though in that moment Steve's biggest problem seemed to be the date his friend was trying to set him up on.

Steve rolled his eyes as he looked away, as though he were trying to hide his displeasure from his friend. "This is your birthday," he attempted to argue, completely unaware of how his words had affected the barmaid at their side, "you should be the one finding a girl to keep you company."

"I found one," he quipped simply, gesturing over towards Addy though she was far too taken by the realisation that she'd just insulted the birthday party happening _to the birthday boy_. It was the most idiotic thing she'd ever done, the most shameful and all she could think about was how she was moments away from getting fired from a job she actually quite enjoyed.

Bucky was looking at her expectedly, waiting for her to introduce herself and join the conversation but she was just staring at him with widened eyes and a mouth forming the perfect 'O' shape. "This is your birthday?"

The brunette released a laugh, he hadn't even realised that Steve had revealed it to her, and in truth, he was quite disappointed that his friend had. "Yes it is," he replied, seeing no point in denying it.

"I… I am so sorry." Those were the only words she could think to say, and even then she knew they probably weren't going to be enough to stop him from telling her boss just how much she'd badmouthed Rendez-vous and the party that Bucky and his friends had organised.

To her surprise, he waved his arm in her direction flippantly, "don't be, I found it quite funny, to be honest." Bucky dismissed it quickly, realising from her tone that she'd started to feel really uncomfortable and he didn't want the little truth he'd kept from her get in the way of their quite enjoyable interactions, so as quickly as he'd dismissed it, he started a new conversation. "Anyway Steve, this is…"

"Addy." The strawberry blonde filled in for him, not reaching out to shake either of their hands as they were still technically strangers to her and she already had issues with allowing people to touch her.

Bucky's permanent smile stretched further after hearing her name, apparently liking it quite a bit. "Nice to meet you, Addy," he greeted warmly, "I'm James Buchanan Barnes, but my friends call me Bucky."

Any warmth that had once filled her before because of his soft smile had disappeared immediately once she'd heard his name, a name that she'd memorised at the age of ten and never allowed herself to lose since. It was him. It was her prince, except he wasn't a prince, and she wasn't really a princess. They were both just normal people. Well, one of them was.

Like any fairy tale story, Addy had always imagined their reunion to be something spectacular, something amazing that could only ever be read in books, something that would set off fireworks in their hearts and bring peace to the kingdoms in their minds. But what she had gotten was the complete opposite.

Addy just hadn't been ready to meet her prince again. She still wasn't.

As fast as she could, she removed herself from the bar, ignoring the small collection of patrons that were waiting to get refills on their drink. She passed by Alice, bumping into her shoulder accidentally but not stopping to apologise. All she could think and feel and sense was the urge to run away, to go hide from the one good thing that came out of her childhood, and that broke her heart even more but it was something she had to do. She couldn't let him see her in the state she was. A broken pauper, not a gracious princess with a gentle heart made entirely of flowers. No, her heart was merely ash, the remnants of life after a fire consumed it entirely.

"Whoa!" Alice had cried out when Addy bumped into her, and despite the way the strawberry blonde had continued to run into the back room, Alice still chose to pursue her, quickly apologising to the patrons and telling them that they'd only be a few seconds. The bar owner had also seen Bucky's face, it was an expression that whispered of cracked hearts beneath a mask of unaffected he was trying to display for his friends. She would have concentrated more if she wasn't confused by the image of her friend rushing to get her coat back on, taking it off the coat hook and then dropping it on the floor thanks to her fumbling fingers. "Hey, Addy, what happened? Are you okay?"

"I have to go, now." Was all Addy responded with, picking up her coat and putting it on as fast as she could.

"What? Why?" Alice pushed for an answer but her friend just ignored her more, as Addy started wrapping her scarf around her neck the bar owner seemed to have enough. She walked forward, filling the rest of the space between them. Alice wanted to grab the strawberry blonde on the shoulders and shake her out of her thoughts, but she knew she couldn't touch her in such a way or she'd break the trust they'd spent years building up, instead, she chose to yell. "Addy, stop!"

The raised voice was enough to frazzle her, enough to break her out of her panic and renew it with a new one that had her looking over towards Alice. It took a moment for logic to kick in and tell her that Alice didn't want to hurt her, she just wanted to know why she was leaving. "It's him, Alice. I- It's him." The words didn't sound right coming from her, the fact that James was even there didn't feel right. Nothing felt right.

"Who?" She interrogated, trying not to let her voice rise again.

"The guy who's celebrating his birthday, he's the boy who saved me all those years ago," Addy explained, and it felt like she was trying to make herself understand it as well.

That revelation had Alice pausing because she immediately knew who Addy was talking about, the boy that had saved her all those years ago by showing her there was a possibility of people being kind, the boy that had helped her escape what could have been one of her mother's worse nights. He was the boy that Alice felt like she needed to thank, because when Addy had nothing, she'd still had the memory of that boy. Quickly, she looked back into the bar, ignoring the growing collection of thirsty patrons and concentrating only on Bucky who was trying his best to smile despite obviously being pained by Addy's abrupt exit. She looked back at Addy, clearly more excited than the strawberry blonde. "Blue eyes?" Addy nodded shortly, and Alice immediately began to clap her hands. "Wait, really?! Oh my gosh, Addy, this is fate!"

She didn't like that idea, because if it was true then that meant fate was another cruelty that came with existence. He'd grown up to be so charming, to have a large group of friends, he even still had Steve with him. Whereas she worked in a small bar, hadn't technically escaped her mother, and was a shell of who she could have been if she'd managed to run away with him. She was too broken for someone so perfect and it made her feel only shame. He clearly didn't remember her like she did him, and that just made her feel even more pathetic.

"Alice, please, I want to go home," she mumbled, feeling almost pathetic with her quiet words but she couldn't help it, she couldn't fight the overwhelming instinct to run.

"What?" Alice's joy was melting off her face at an excruciating pace. Addy just wanted her to realise that she wasn't as into her reunion with James as the bar owner was.

"I- I can't be here, I don't want him to see me like- like _this_ ," she gestured to herself, not just meaning her messy physical appearance but everything inside of her as well.

"Addy-"

"And I don't want to work night shifts anymore either," she interrupted her boss, knowing she had to before Alice went on a rant about how she was making a bad decision. Alice was the only person in existence who could get Addy to step out of her comfort zone, mostly because she always used logical arguments that made a lot of sense. But Addy wanted to stay in her comfort zone, even if it meant feeling bad about herself for the next few months.

"Are you sure about this?" Alice asked, giving it one more go at getting her friend to realise the mistake she was making. But that was the thing, Addy knew it was a mistake, she knew that in her heart all she wanted to do was talk to the man who had been on her mind for so many years, who'd been in every pair of blue eyes she ever looked at, but she also knew that he'd only be disappointed in how she'd turned out. In how she was still just a broken, lost, child needing help from strangers to escape the bad things life throws at her. So Addy made the decision to nod her head and not see James again for as long as she possibly could. Alice sighed, "fine, but you know I'm not very happy with this decision. I'll pay you what I owe you next week."

Addy finished wrapping her scarf around her neck. "Thank you, Alice. I really am sorry."

"I know you are. But don't be sorry to me, be sorry to yourself. It's your life you're damaging here," Alice said in a motherly tone, not aggressively so that Addy wouldn't fear that she was so angry with her to the point of doing something evil, she just wanted her friend to know that she was unhappy with her choice.

"I know," Addy replied, her tone of voice lowering, making it clear to the bar owner that she was well aware of what her choice that day meant.

"Addy? Are you okay?" All of a sudden James stepped into the backroom, concern replacing his once permanent smile. Addy opened her mouth to reply to him but no words came out because she couldn't think of anything to say, she just looked at her friend panicked.

"Sir, you're not allowed to be behind the bar," Alice informed him, trying to save her friend from any more agony.

"Addy?" He repeated her name once more, trying to get her to respond to him, not caring at all about what the bar owner had to say. It hurt her that he was so concerned over her when he didn't even know who she was, and it pushed her to make sure that he never knew.

The strawberry blonde with forests in her eyes shut her mouth and left through the back door, leaving James Buchanan Barnes only with the haunting space of where she once stood.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, I had to rush this one out. I'm still trying to think how many uploads I should do for this story, I don't want to start doing daily uploads again until I'm sure I can write a chapter a day and right now I still need to get back into the routine. Christmas is great and all but its a routine killer! Speaking of which, I hope you all had a nice Christmas and New Years! Let's hope this year is better than the last. I plan on getting a job this year, which could slow down my writing but it's still something I'll be doing.**

 **To Assbitch67, IT IS HERE! I'm glad someone's excited about it lol, I know you've read all the chapters up to seven or something but I hope you still enjoy them, and I hope you enjoy what I've got in store for you after those chapters ;)**

 **To FALLING-ANGEL24, thank you! I'm excited to give you more!**

 **To .2018, I hope so, I hope I continue to intrigue you ;)**

 **AND A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE THAT SIMPLY READ THE CHAPTER! I HOPE THIS FOLLOWING YEAR IS MORE GOOD MOMENTS THAN BAD MOMENTS FOR YOU AND THAT YOU DON'T LET ANY BAD MOMENTS RUIN ALL THE GOOD MOMENTS (this has been wisdom brought to you by theamazingspoiderman, you're welcome)**


	5. Chapter Three

**CHAPTER THREE**

* * *

"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die life is a broken-winged bird, that cannot fly."

― **Langston Hughes**

* * *

 **October, 2017**

* * *

When Bucky stirred awake he found himself not inside his usual hut, the sun was leaking through a wall of glass and burning his skin with its troublingly warm touch, covering his body in a sheen of sweat that did not comfort the ailment that had both his chest and mind aching like an entire tsunami was causing carnage inside of him. He looked to his memories to try and shed some light on his current circumstance even though it had proved in the past to not be the most helpful adversary.

"Ah, you're awake," a familiar Wakandan voice cheered, taking no precautions for the pulsating pains in his head, "good morning sleepy head."

"W-What?" He mumbled, the word coming out blundered as his tongue felt swollen inside of his mouth. He turned his head to the side before opening his eyes in the hopes that he'd avoid being blinded by the sunlight. He had afforded himself some protection but avoiding it completely was futile as, after being opened, his eyes struggled to focus on anything around him. It took him some time and a lot of blinking but eventually he was able to make out that it was Shuri stood in front of him.

"You're in my lab," she revealed, realising the one-armed giant was quite confused and couldn't recall the events that had led him to her laboratory. He took a full minute to sit up, making it look like the most painful and challenging thing Shuri had ever seen. Once he was up she handed him a plastic cup of what Bucky thought was water, it definitely wasn't, but despite the foul taste, he did feel some relief to his headache almost immediately.

"Do you remember what happened after we found you at the waterfall?" T'Challa asked, making Bucky aware of his presence, the king stood behind Shuri with his back resting casually against a wall.

Bucky finished gulping down the rest of the drink in one take, expression souring once more at the bitter taste. "No," he gruffly responded whilst shaking his head side-to-side. He remembered hearing Addy's voice, he remembered running through the woods searching for her, he remembered finding her on top of the waterfall and he remembered almost drowning, but that was all he could recall with little clarity (which was usually how his memories worked anyway).

"After T'Challa pulled you out of the ravine," Shuri began, pulling the tablet she'd previously been messing around with against her chest, "you started telling us about someone named Addy, repeatedly saying that you needed to find her, that you needed to follow the 'red string', then you started to have a fit."

"A fit? Why?" Bucky questioned, shocked by the revelation, becoming even more confused as Shuri looked over to her brother for permission to answer his question.

When her brother responded to her look with a small nod she turned back to face Bucky, giving him the explanation he was pining for even more after having it practically paraded in front of his eyes whilst being denied accessibility. "It was Hydra's work again," Shuri revealed, looking down at the tablet in her hand to monitor Bucky, he'd managed to remain stone-faced but his heart rate had escalated, only for a moment but Shuri noted it down as a cause for concern. "Hydra conditioned you to forget her, which is actually quite strange as this is the first time we've seen a specific subject be so strategically blocked - not wiped - from your brain." Again the Wakandan genius paused, giving the one-armed giant time to process her words, too fearful of accidentally triggering a part of the Winter Soldier to come out (even though they knew he would only likely come out if the trigger words were said, Bucky had demanded they take every precaution and every step required to keep the monstrous assassin from waking up). Once Shuri was sure his heart rate was still maintaining a normal level, she continued: "As you began to remember her, a crack started forming in the metaphorical box they'd stuffed this 'Addy' into, which is what caused you to have a generalised tonic-clonic seizure."

"I…" Bucky was trained in the art of keeping himself emotionless at all times, yet whenever he thought of Addy, his entire heart fought back against that empty exterior, flushing him with emotions so warm they almost burnt him like the sun pouring through the glass window had done, because he'd been a victim to the cold for too long.

Shuri didn't hear him speak, not gifted with heightened senses like her brother, so she accidentally began to speak over Bucky, providing him with even more answers than what he'd initially asked, "it went on longer than three minutes which is a cause for concern because of the damage it can do to your body, thankfully we got you to the lab in time before you accidentally bit a chunk off your own tongue."

" _Shuri_." T'Challa snapped at his little sister as he slowly approached Bucky's bed, stopping protectively a centimetre in front of Shuri. He'd noticed something else. The large ex-assassin's one hand had tightened considerably around the bed, crushing the steel beneath his fingers. It was a display of agitation that the King of Wakanda could not ignore, otherwise he could end up risking the life of his sister. After T'Challa's warning to his sister, Bucky seemed to only just realise what his hand had been doing and he looked over to it confusedly, lifting it up and the metal creaked as the weight was pulled from it. Both Shuri and T'Challa became wary of him, Shuri choosing to clamp her mouth shut in the hopes to let him calm down. "Maybe we should leave you to rest, Bucky," the king advised, trying to sound friendly and leave any warning tone for when the one-armed giant started to act more like the Winter Soldier than a lost man afraid of his own strength.

"No, I'm fine," he tried to reassure but his words came out husky, his throat turning dry. He could remember her, that was what irritated him, he could remember her beautiful eyes and wild strawberry blonde curls, he could remember her jungle apartment, their rooftop, his birthday, the Christmas party and even that horrible night on the dock, but it was near the end that his memories ended. He couldn't remember what had happened to her. And finding out that it was because of Hydra had sparked a rage he'd been familiar with for a long time, so long that it should have been manageable, why was that a little harder to do when Addy became involved? He did his best to push it aside, knowing that he needed Shuri and T'Challa's help if he hoped to figure everything out. He stretched out his hands and rolled his shoulders, trying to make a display of his relaxed state, then he turned to Shuri to ask her a question, "I've remembered plenty of things before, why didn't I have a seizure then?"

The genius didn't look to her brother then for permission, feeling far too sorry for the giant who had already been through far too much and received far too little answers. She wanted to help him. "As I said before, it looks like Hydra took precautions here to make sure you never remembered Addy. From what I can tell from the few tests I've done already, it's a surprise you were actually able to remember her at all, they worked very hard to keep her locked away from you."

Bucky looked down to the floor, soaking in her words and trying to conclude a theory from them. "But why?" He thought out loud, his headache returning with a punch as he forced his way through memories that weren't ready to be unearthed yet, scouring his mind for the reason why Hydra had been so passionate about stopping him from remembering the strawberry blonde.

"We were hoping you'd tell us that," T'Challa responded, continuing to scan every inch of the ex-assassin for signs of trouble. Bucky could feel the stare but it did not anger him, when they'd woken him he'd asked them to take those precautions.

"Who is Addy?" Shuri asked curiously, the question having stagnated in her mind for far too long.

"Someone we need to find." All of a sudden, Bucky began to stand up, both Shuri and T'Challa rushed to get to his side before he could collapse to the floor. "She's in danger and we need to go save her."

* * *

 **November, 1930**

* * *

Adelaine stood beside her mother in the market, being sure to keep her eyes only on the floor below her feet. Her mother was stood conversing flirtatiously with a man she'd met in a bar the previous night. He wasn't her usual type, he didn't seem to have loads of money but he did own one of the market stalls that sold vegetables and the chestnut-haired man had apparently given her mother a 'night to remember'. Even at the age of eleven, she knew that her mother was most likely going through one of her phases where she tried dating a more humble man rather than someone able to buy her anything she wanted. It made her feel sorry for the stall owner, because he didn't know what her mother was really like.

She looked up at him one more time. He had a big bushy moustache that she found quite fascinating, she'd never actually seen one so large, only ones that were accompanied with beards so it looked less daunting. He was grinning, enjoying the way that she was flirting with both her words and hands. The sight of her mother drawing her fingers across the man's chest became too sickening for Addy to watch so she moved her observations elsewhere, not immediately returning to the floor but instead looking around the marketplace.

It was pretty busy, bustling with many people ranging from all ages. Her eyes were particularly drawn to a boy who was quite tall, a flat cap covering his head but there was something familiar about him, and when she concentrated on him she found her heart being overwhelmed with a sensation that made her feel inexplicably safe. She'd only felt that once before and that knowledge drove her to release her mother's hand and begin chasing after the boy.

He was walking beside a woman, conversing with her whilst holding in his hands three shopping bags brimming with contents. She heard his voice, that was familiar too. Adelaine became sure of it, the boy she saw was James. Finally, she'd found him again. Finally!

The strawberry blonde was so close to reaching him, mere centimetres away and she raised out her hand to grab his shoulder, a million words flying through her excited mind. She had no idea what she was going to say to him, perhaps that she was happy to have found him again, or maybe a simple 'hello' in case he didn't remember her. She hoped he did, because she'd found it quite difficult to forget him.

But a mere second before her hand could reach his, she felt claws dig into her shoulder and force her to stop momentarily. James continued to walk away, unaware of her behind him. She cried out, not because of the pain in her right shoulder, but because it felt like the chance at a different life was slipping through her fingers like sand once again

"What the hell are you doing?" Her mother scorned through her teeth, flecks of spit shooting out and Addy immediately covered her face, as though the saliva she spat was acid.

"I-I'm sorry," she stuttered out, panic and fear like lightning striking her body. "I- I- I- thought-"

"I- I- I- don't care," her mother interrupted, mocking the way her daughter spoke. She dug her nails in even deeper and Addy did her best to not make a sound at the pain, she didn't want to make a scene in public because that was an excuse for her mother to hurt her again. "You don't walk away from me. Someone could have kidnapped you and sold you away to be a slave? Is that what you want? Huh? To be someone's slave?"

"N-No, but-"

"Exactly," her mother inferred, pulling her closer towards herself in what could have been misconceived as a protective motion. "The world will hurt you in any way it can, all I'm trying to do is protect you and this is how you disrespect me, why do you hate me?"

"I thought it was James," Adelaine rushed out the words as fast as she could, hoping that if her mother had her reason for suddenly running off then maybe she'd be less harsh with her. It was a small twinkle of hope that she didn't put much faith in, logic wasn't on the side of that bit of hope.

"James?" Her mother questioned, not recognising the name at first. Addy knew that her mother finally remembered the boy that had helped her escape her mother a year ago when her eyes turned to slits and the frown deepened to a grimace. " _James_ ," she whispered the name with malice, but it didn't feel like it was all entirely aimed at the boy.

When her mother started searching the market for James, Addy became panicked of what the woman would do if she found her prince so she spoke up, throwing out a word just to make sure that her mother's attention was fixed only on her. "Yea- Yeah."

"He'll hurt you too, you know?" Her mother turned up her nose towards her child, trying to look wise as she spoke but the only thing she looked like to Adelaine was a monster. "He'll be disgusted with who you are, no will ever love you when you behave the way you do. I always tell you that, isn't that what I always tell you?"

"Ye-"

"Shut up now, Arthur's coming back over." She shoved aside her daughter, making the child stand behind her, out of the way, as she spoke to the market stall owner once more. Adelaine didn't have to look at her face to know that she'd put on a mask, covering the monstrous face with one that was perfectly human. "Hey there, handsome."

* * *

 **March, 1938**

* * *

During Addy's first shift at Rendez-vous after the night of the birthday party, the place felt almost empty. It was the morning and the place was lit up by sunlight that managed to slip through the skyscrapers surrounding the bar, making the place look much larger than it had before, though that could also be due to the fact that there were only three patrons which were getting their morning coffee and breakfast before they went to work.

Though there was one man there, another regular, who was inside for a different reason. After a night filled with going from bar to bar, he would always go to Rendez-vous in the morning, it was his final pit stop, the last place to fill his body with as much alcohol as possible. He always ordered the same thing, vodka straight. And Addy would do the same thing for him every morning, giving him a glass of water and telling him that it was vodka. He was too drunk to recognise the difference.

She could never stay near him for too long, or else she'd feel overwhelmed by the horrible numbing sensation again and it would disorientate her for the next hour. Addy just handed him his water and walked away as fast as possible, feeling quite rude for not engaging in conversation with him but he never seemed to notice and would just drunkenly slur to himself, sometimes talking to other customers and they'd entertain him for a little while.

Whilst that happened she'd get to work on cleaning the place up a little for the lunchtime rush. Though the people on lock-up would do a quick spruce, they never managed to get rid of the horrible smell of alcohol that had seeped into the wallpaper the night prior. It was easy enough to get rid of for Addy, all she needed to do was mop the floor, do another clean of the glasses, wipe all the surfaces and then brew a lot of coffee so the smell would be replaced. She drank most of the coffee made as there weren't enough customers in a morning to drink it all anyway.

It was nice for her to be so busy. It engaged her mind completely. Before Alice allowed her to work in Rendez-vous she would try and keep her mind busy through other means like reading books or taking apart and rebuilding things, they'd all been beneficial in the end as there weren't a lot of things which Addy couldn't understand. Including the coffee machine, which had taken her only a minute to fix and get working again.

The best part was that it stopped her from thinking about the man with blue eyes that had haunted her nights, and the regret that filled her soul whenever she thought of him.

As she mopped the floor behind the bar with a pine-scented cleaner, she heard the bell above the door ring out, signalling that a new customer had arrived. Addy didn't look up, knowing she had a few seconds before the customer would reach the bar. She didn't need to look up and greet the customer as they spoke first anyway, "hey there, doll."

Addy jumped, but it wasn't the sudden words that had scared her, no, it was the recognisable voice that had said the words which struck her so much. "Oh no," she muttered as electricity passed her system. She looked up, green meeting blue that enthralled her and terrified her at the same time. James Buchanan Barnes stood opposite her, his smile crooked, the same way hers usually was, filled with so much awkwardness that he didn't know what to do with.

"Yeah," he began to mumble, body strict with his hands placed firmly in his pockets, "that's how people usually greet me."

"That's kind of rude of them," she commented with emotionless words, not quite sure what she should be saying to the man in front of her. After that day on the roof when she was younger, she'd always imagined that conversation would be easy with him, and it had been up until the point when she'd run out of the bar on his birthday. Addy reminded herself that she'd had no choice, that James couldn't be allowed to get to know the person she'd turned out to become. Addy didn't want to disappoint anyone else in her life, especially not a person she'd idolised and built up inside her mind through the many years they'd been apart. It was like her mother had said all those years ago, no one would ever like her if she continued to be the way she was, and in Addy's mind she was still that tiny girl locked up in that tiny apartment with a monster guarding the door so she could never escape, and no one could ever get it.

"You know, I always thought so," he'd responded, tone raising higher and defensive but all Addy could wonder was how long were they going to keep up the banter? How long was he willing to pretend like what had happened the other night wasn't weird and bizarre?

The worst thing about the entire thing was that she couldn't run away then. Alice was upstairs in her bedroom asleep, meaning she was the only one to man Rendez-vous and if she left then she had no doubt someone would take advantage, the alcoholic probably going behind the bar to take all the bar had. So, she didn't mind the jokes they were forcing out because at least it put off the awkward conversation about why she'd run off a little longer. "You should probably say something to them about that."

"Okay." He'd had nothing left to say, no more jokes to give and she knew from the one-word answer that he was done with continuing the charade. She cringed inwardly as he started to speak again, wishing he'd given her a little longer to prepare some courage. "Why are you saying 'oh no' when you see me? I didn't think I was that bad the other night."

He hadn't directly asked her about the other night, but she knew it was the answer he was truly looking for, so she tried to answer it without going onto the topic completely, maybe if they avoided it then the true discomfort bubbling beneath the surface wouldn't have the chance to wash over them like a tsunami. "It's… It's nothing," she started, picking her words carefully, "it's just because I embarrassed myself so much in front of you the other night."

"Oh, right." James seemed almost disappointed by the answer she'd given which was something Addy didn't understand, but she would very soon. "Well you don't need to feel embarrassed, it really wasn't that bad and I'm sorry for not telling you that it was my birthday party." He seemed to calm down after getting his apology out, doing what his primary intention was and releasing the tension in his body, taking his hands out of his pockets and relaxing more.

Seeing him relax made her feel relaxed too, because that meant he was satisfied with the answer she gave him and wouldn't pursue an answer for why she'd run away which was very obviously not something she would do just because she was embarrassed. Not unless she was a very dramatic person, but she's was willing to let him think that of her because at least it would mean he didn't know the truth of who she was. "You should feel embarrassed," she quipped, putting her mop away as she engaged properly in a conversation with him, finding it easy to do so once her panic had subsided, just like that day on the roof.

"And why's that?" He questioned, a small smile dancing on his lips, showing that he was happy to be able to converse with her once more in their easy joking manner. Though it was only a small smile, which had Addy wondering if there was something else playing on his mind. She could guess what it was.

She gestured between them, "because you're clearly stalking me."

His chest rose and fell quickly as a scoff mixed with a gasp erupted from him, the laugh he released told her that he wasn't really insulted by what she'd accused him of though. "Actually," he jumped to defend himself, "it was your boss who told me I should come here, and when. So you can take that up with her, not me."

"Alice likes to meddle, you shouldn't be instigating it," she responded easily, though in her mind she was thinking about how she was definitely going to have words with the bar owner later. It wasn't surprising behaviour from her friend though, Alice was always doing things sneakily to try and make Addy do things she thought was for the best. It was the only way to actually get the strawberry blonde to do things out of her comfort zone though, and usually, the things Alice sorted out were for the best, though Addy didn't know if seeing James again was one of those things.

"So I'm the bad guy either way?" He asked as she returned to mopping, finding the need to busy her hands again to stop her mind running away to panicked thoughts. She didn't know what Alice had told Bucky, what excuse she might have given for the strawberry blonde running away. The worst case scenario would be that Alice told him the truth.

She mopped the floor aggressively, doing broad strokes across the floor. "You seem like a very villainous person."

"I strongly disagree," Bucky argued, taking another step closer to the bar and fixing one of the stools that had been turned upside down. Addy stared at him from her peripheral vision, hating the fact that even though his face wasn't clear she was still well aware of his good looks.

Things went quiet for a moment, the pair simply observing one another, Addy being more sneaky with her stare whilst Bucky was openly gazing at her, there was a tension coming from him that made the strawberry blonde feel like a clogged drain. He had words he wanted to say, but he was mulling over whether to actually say them or not. Addy simply waited to find out if he would say them, and she hoped that whatever words he did say next didn't have anything to do with the previous night. They seemed to have moved past it and renewed the comfortable relationship that had easily morphed before, one filled with jokes and smiles and friendly casualness, she didn't want to go back to being awkward with him. If Addy could prevent it, she'd stop herself being awkward around everyone, but that had proven to be quite the challenge all her life.

Bucky quite liked the way that the two were around each other as well, and the last thing he wanted was to make her run away again (that was the first time a girl had ever run away from him, it was quite a stunting experience that he would rather not relive ever again). He could sense the beginning of an addiction to the strawberry blonde. Throughout the entire night and morning all his thoughts had been fixed on her and how he wanted to experience one more euphoric conversation with her, he tried to deny that it meant anything more than simply enjoying her company, but the desire he felt was so powerful it was hard to keep the thing hidden beneath a rug where it could be opposed.

"I'm usually the one that rescues the damsel in distress," he added softly, the words falling from his lips with a surprising shyness. Surprising because Bucky normally oozed confidence, it was his own weapon against the world, yet he was falling victim to fear as well in that moment.

Addy's mopping paused at his sentence, another string of words that brought forth remnants of their day on top of that roof, when James had told her the reason he'd helped her was because she was a damsel in distress. She noticed the slight rise of James' lips when he saw her reaction, and so she started mopping aggressively again, trying to pretend like the words hadn't affected her. "You find many of them, do you?" Her words had turned short and snappy again, Addy building a wall between them but she had no cement and the bricks were only made out of paper.

"So far in my life I've only found one, but I didn't really do a good job at rescuing her," he explained and Addy just wished that she could use her sense to read his thoughts, to be able to tell whether he knew that she was the one, she was the aforementioned damsel in distress. "Plus, in the end she stole my wallet."

Turning away from him, she allowed herself to visibly wince. It hadn't been her proudest moment, and after that night all those years ago she'd never used the wallet nor the money that was in it, even at the age of ten her conscious simply wouldn't allow her. She'd tried her hardest to return it to him, but she hadn't been able to find him again. Despite living in the same city, fate had refused to let them cross paths again, until that moment of course. Turning back, she returned the mop to the bucket after spending around ten minutes on the exact same spot on the floor. On the upside, it was a very clean spot. "That sounds sad."

"It was," he agreed, proceeding to design his expression to one of comfort and greeting, as though he were welcoming an old friend, someone he hadn't seen for quite a while and was hoping that they hadn't changed too much from the person he'd known. "I was always hoping that maybe one day I'd be able to find out what happened to her."

It was clear as day by that point, Addy didn't need her sense to tell her that James knew exactly who she was. "I can't believe Alice told you who I was," she mumbled breathlessly, feeling as though that were the one possible comment she could make in that moment. In her mind she was trying to think of a Plan B, a way to pretend that she was someone else in front of him so he wouldn't be disappointed by the person she'd turned out to be.

"Actually, I remembered you all on my own so please give me some credit," he shrugged his shoulders, throwing aside her comment, "you're very hard to forget."

"I could say the same about you," she spoke with slight discomfort, it wasn't overwhelming her and making her want to run away (he already knew who she was, he already knew the worst part) but it did have her hand twitching to go back to the mop, to find something to do other than lay at her side, but Addy was afraid if she mopped the spot behind the bar any more than she'd go right through it.

"Are you okay?" The question burst from him like a flock of birds from a cage, the one thing he'd been wondering not just that morning and last night, but for the past ten years as well, he couldn't wait any longer to find out. "What happened that day is one of my biggest regrets, I tried so hard to find you afterwards."

"I'm fine," she answered, wishing she could have provided him with a much more detailed answer but she was still quite stumped with the fact that he'd remembered her the same way she'd always remembered him. And he'd tried to find her, he'd actually gone out of his way to try and find her and no doubt attempt another rescue. Her heart was being overwhelmed, and for once it wasn't out of fear or anxiety, it was the overwhelming sensation of knowing that someone actually cared about her.

"Did you manage to get away from your mother? Are you safe?" Bucky felt like he should have brought a list, he had so many questions and they were all disorganised in his head.

"She got away from me actually," Addy revealed, "she got a taste for men that travel and now she's rarely home though she's still dating a new guy every month, I don't know how she does it really. Alice, the owner, gave me a place to stay and a job to earn money with until I got on my feet, now I own a place not far from here, so you don't have to worry, I am safe. And yourself?" Those were the positives of her life, the easiest things to tell him, what wasn't easy was telling him how she was still scared of the dark and anyone with a bottle of wine in their hands, and how every person she met came packaged with doubts in her mind of their intentions, and how shadows aren't just shadows to her, and how sometimes she feels like she can't even trust herself. Those were the things she was most ashamed of, those were the secrets she'd keep under lock and key.

"Go out with me."

"What?" Addy questioned, sure that she'd misheard him, sure that he wouldn't have possibly replied to her question with such a request, though it had sounded more like a demand he'd said it so willfully.

"Tonight," he replied, proving that he was indeed requesting her company for the evening, "let's go for a movie or something. I want to get to know you and for you to get to know me, the people we are now, I'm sure some things are different from who we were as kids."

In some ways, things were different, sure, but for Addy she still felt like that tiny child locked in a tiny room packing a tiny suitcase, and that was exactly what she didn't want James figuring out. "You don't want to have a few quick, awkward, meetings first? Where we bump into each other unexpectedly and continue on with our banter until eventually, we decide to hang out?" If they did that, if they allowed their friendship to be a slow-burning one, then perhaps she'd be given enough time to become someone she could proudly put on display.

"Sounds like a waste of time, especially because I've been waiting ten years to meet you again," Bucky reasoned, unaware of how his words made Addy's heart dance around in her chest. All those years her mother had told her that he didn't care, that he'd forgotten about her, all those times she'd lost hope that she'd ever find him again, it all accumulated into guilt.

"I- I don't know what to say," the strawberry blonde confessed, finding her mind and heart amidst a bloody war and she wasn't sure there would ever truly be a victor.

"'Okay' would be a good start."

"I don't think it would be such a great idea, I'm not the kind of person people 'go out' with," Addy explained, not using the word 'date' because James hadn't, even though the context of their night together included things she knew were a staple for dates. She'd never been on one before, though there were people before that had asked, her issues with intimacy always getting in the way.

He sighed, but just because her denying him was like ten whole punches to his stomach, it didn't deter his spirit. Bucky had endured worst fights in his life. "Look, I hate to do this but you _did_ steal my wallet, you kind of owe me." Addy bit down on her lip as he'd made a great point, but no matter how long he stared at her expectantly, her mind continued to fight against what her heart wanted with a spear made up of self-doubt and words only her mother had ever used against her. "I'm still waiting to hear that 'okay'," he pushed once more.

"And if I say no?" She wasn't asking him to flirt with him - though it might have come across like that as she'd disguised her reservation with a humoured tone - Addy was simply inquiring as to whether there was a way she'd be able to get out of going.

He shrugged his shoulders, trying to look innocent but with such a charming face like his it only made him seem more deviant, "this was only Plan A, I've got plenty of other ways to make you say yes."

"And what is Plan B?" She raised a hand up and splayed it out across her chest, wondering if her heart actually was leaping across her chest, that was definitely how it felt. She tried to keep the action natural so James wouldn't know that he was actually affecting her, she didn't even understand how he was affecting her, she'd never experienced that before. James held a lot of firsts for her though, she realised.

The innocent expression was wiped away as a smirk covered his expression, widening to show his teeth as he spoke, "taking you as a hostage."

She doubted that what he said was completely true, she would have been able to sense such an intent within him as it was the kind of monstrous desire that would come with some sort of stunting shadowing vision that would have her running away faster than she had done the previous night. But Addy knew he was still being honest when he said that he had plenty of other plans to get her to say yes, he had a relentless soul, and when he set his eyes on something that meant he was going to get it. And he wanted her, though Addy wasn't sure how to actually feel about that knowledge, it was something he didn't bother hiding. Following a lengthy sigh, the strawberry blonde finally relented, "okay."

He slammed his palm across the top of the table in a gesture of 'hoorah', making Addy jump and though he sent her an apologetic look it was overshadowed his excitement for their date, "okay, I'll meet you tonight then."

"Okay," she responded, uncouth, wordless, feeling worn out by his extroverted ways after only enduring a short conversation.

"Okay!" He replied back with much more zeal in his voice, he got up from the stool and almost tripped over it as he attempted to walk backwards, he didn't want to stop looking at her, he was waiting for her to change her mind but she wasn't, and it was surprising both of them that she wasn't.

There was still the nerves and the fears and the anxieties, but when it came to James all those things seemed a little more unimportant in comparison. He was her prince and he'd found her again, that was the kind of thing she'd only ever dreamed of.

Bucky ended up walking into a wall on his backwards journey out of Rendez-vous, he tried to recover without too much embarrassment, shaking his head at his own behaviour and finally exiting the building walking normally.

"I finish at four!" She yelled out to him before he left, not sure if he'd actually heard her. Once he'd left Addy couldn't help but shake her head and whisper beneath her breath, "he's such a meatball."

"Hey, how'd it go?" Standing outside beside the door was Steve Rogers, Bucky's lifelong best friend who had experienced the many high's and low's of the brunette's life, and heard the tale of Adelaine Carbonell many times.

"We sorted things out and now I have a date tonight," he announced merrily, the pair beginning to walk down the street together but Bucky's mind wasn't even on their journey, his soul was still in that bar, still with Addy, "I'm telling you, Steve, this is fate, I know she's the one."

"You've said that many times before," Steve responded gently, not getting as excited as his friend because Bucky had always given his heart away like candy on Halloween.

"Yeah, but this time I mean it," he immediately protested, and in his heart, he truly did believe that Addy was the start of the rest of his life, the life that had been put off for ten years because of how they were torn apart before. But he refused to let that happen ever again.

* * *

 **A/N: Hi there, sorry there was no update last week. I'm kind of struggling with managing everything and then I'm also going through writer's block and there's just a lot of 'mah' going on in my life, you know?**

 **To Pitspee, hello again! It's so good to hear from you again. Aha, I'm glad you got my Stevia reference, I can unashamedly admit that there will probably be a few of them. I'm glad I've gotten you curious, and yeah Maria and Addy have different dads, they sadly share the same mum though. Also, pre-Amelia Steven? I love it, and I'm also excited for you guys to see what I've done with him. Thank you for the recommendations! I've got them saved in my tabs now and I'll be hitting them soon, starting with The Wyvern because I'm not sure if you can tell but I love my angst lol.**

 **To OfSeashellsandStars, thank you! Happy new year to you too! I'm so happy to hear that you liked how it started, I feel so nervous with this project cause it's different so thank you for the kind words and I hope you have a good new year too!**

 **To xxxRena, glad to hear it, sorry you had to wait a little while to get more.**

 **To LoveFiction2019, thank you!**

 **To Assbitch67, well on the upside then, it can only get better from here lol. YAY FOR BUDDY! And I can't believe you're choosing this Alice over the other Alice, I mean I'm surprised but not really, both Alice's are amazing?**

 **And a big thank you to everyone that read the chapter, have a wonderful life!**

 **P.S. I was actually wondering if maybe any of you would like to be a Beta for me? The reason a chapter never came out last week was because I couldn't go through the chapter and spell-check everything. It's not just grammar and spell-checks that you could help me with though, like maybe you could give me your thoughts on stuffs. Idk, I can't really offer anything for the beta reading other than the opportunity to read the chapter before anyone else? If you think you're up for it could you please PM me? And if you don't actually have an account on this website, I have an email on my profile you can send a message to. Pleases and Thank yous.**


	6. Chapter Four

**CHAPTER FOUR**

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"You will always fall in love, and it will always be like having your throat cut, just that fast."

― **Catherynne M. Valente**

* * *

 **March, 1938**

* * *

The sun was setting outside and the lights of Rendez-vous were on, setting a mellow feel to the place as more patrons began to enter, looking to the cheap alcohol and warm food to ease their weary bodies after a day of non-stop working. Addy was one of the patrons at the bar, nibbling on some of the complimentary peanuts and sipping on a glass of water as she waited for James to arrive.

Gladys, one of the other waitresses who did the night shift more regularly, was working at the bar with Alice. Though, because of a lack of customers, she wasn't actually working, she was instead updating Addy on her life and all of it's going ons. The caramel haired bar waitress did end up clamping her mouth shut momentarily as the bell of the door jingled and another customer entered the bar. She seemed quite enthralled by whoever entered, not enough to keep her speechless for long though (it would probably take an apocalypse to make the girl lose her words). "Please tell me he's a new regular," she inquired huskily, eyes fixed on the customer, almost like she was hypnotised.

Curious, Addy turned around, not especially surprised to see that it was Bucky her work friend had been talking about. It was hard to deny that James was very handsome, with the kind of face that would stop everyone in their tracks. She supposed that he would have been used to the sudden pause in every room he stepped in. It didn't help that he was so modest with it, it made everyone fall for him even more.

Yet despite all the opportunity that would come his way, he'd always been a one-woman man, and in that moment, all he prized was a scruffy-haired strawberry blonde who prized genuine personalities and thoughtful conversation above lipstick and high heels.

Sure, on the outside James Buchanan Barnes was a very handsome man, but on the inside he was beautiful, and that was all Addy was able to see.

Bucky didn't waste any time as he approached Addy, the smile on his face a lot easier to form when it came to her. "You ready to go?"

"Yes, she is," Alice answered for the strawberry blonde, doing her part to make sure that she didn't make up an excuse to get out of the date.

"Great," he responded, eyes fixed only on Addy, even as he revealed that in the hand he'd been keeping behind his back a bouquet of daisies. The strawberry blonde reached out and accepted them slowly, clearly apprehensive despite there being no reason to be.

Alice was observing the interaction with a pleased expression whilst Gladys' eyes were dancing between the three people that surrounded her, waiting for some sort of explanation, which she for some reason felt she was owed. Addy didn't have male companions, hell, the strawberry blonde didn't really have any companions, so it made no sense as to why a very handsome gentleman was offering her flowers. Bucky surprised the three girls even further as he plucked a flower from the bouquet and placed it behind Addy's ear. For Alice and Gladys it was just a romantic gesture, but for Addy it was _so much more_.

It was proof that the man in front of her was still the kid she'd met all those years ago. He'd grown up and gotten attractive but he was still that kind-hearted child who'd done everything he could to put a smile on her face.

After that precious moment he politely whisked her away from her friends - not bumping into the wall that time as he left - Addy had managed to look towards Alice and relay with just a glance that her entire body was being frazzled by nerves like static from a balloon permanently skimming her body, but the bar owner had gestured with her hands for the strawberry blonde to leave, to exit the bar and go on the not-date, to steel her courage and journey forward, to experience something phenomenal for the first time because that was exactly what Bucky was: _phenomenal_.

Together they made a short trip through the city toward the movie theatre. To fill in the time they had, they discussed simple and ordinary things like work and what they'd had for lunch. It was still easy for her to talk to him, to feel like her soul was welcomed by his, despite the fact that they'd really only known each other for the entirety of two days.

"I was thinking we could go see 'Jezebel', I hear it's really good," Bucky recommended as they joined the end of the line.

"A romance?" Her voice raised a pitch.

The change in tone had Bucky looking over towards her suspiciously, "yeah, is that okay?"

"Y-Yeah, James, it's fine," she threw out the words quickly, doing nothing but making the brunette even more wary which was the complete opposite of her intent.

"Call me Bucky," he said first, wanting her to know that he'd prefer it, thinking that she might have been calling him by his first name just to be polite when in reality he would have preferred the opposite. But even with James' permission, Addy still felt uncomfortable with referring to him by his nickname, it implied a certain closeness she wasn't sure she wanted yet, despite it already being there in full force. "And it's fine if you want to see something else, I'd prefer it if you were honest with me, this date is meant to be enjoyable for the both of us."

 _Date_. The word had finally been used and Addy found herself drowning in a large number of emotions that were too hard to read, the nervousness was a familiar friend, but there were other things there too, one that could have even been defined as a certain kind of joy.

"I'm sorry, James-"

"Bucky," he reminded her.

"I'm sorry, I'm just not a big romance fan, I don't really believe in love and all that sort of stuff," Addy explained, deciding to skip over his name altogether as she still didn't want to call him by his nickname. 'My friends called me Bucky', that was what he'd said, but were they friends? Were they anything other than two people who had lost the opportunity to have a life together ten years ago?

Whilst she was thinking over that, the thoughts whizzing around Bucky's mind were all circulating the fact that Addy had admitted to not believing in love. He didn't know such a thing was possible. Love was everywhere, literally _everywhere_ , so how someone could deny it was lost on him entirely. It was definitely something he wanted to explore more but he didn't want to bombard her with such a deep question on the first date, his only mission at that point was making sure that she was comfortable with him, that was what would give him more opportunities to talk with her about the strange views she has on love. Who knows, he thought to himself, he might even be able to change those ideals. "Well I think there's a comedy on show as well," he informed her.

"A comedy sounds good," she replied, the strawberry blonde sounding so much more relieved by the second option he'd given her. It was half because of that, the other half belonging to the fact that he hadn't tried to dig further into her unique views on romance and love.

"Good," he repeated her last words, once again displaying an easiness she was jealous of him for having. It was one of the things that made him even more attractive, the fact that he could be comfortable around everyone. The difference between Addy and Bucky though, was that if things did get unbearably uncomfortable, he could actually defend himself.

The line moved forward and they got their tickets to go see the latest comedy in the cinema, they chose a seat in the middle, Bucky actually being quite tactful with his seating as it was the back of the cinema where couples normally went and he didn't want her questioning his intentions any more than she already had, and most likely still was.

Seeing a comedy turned out to be a much better idea than a romance, it allowed both of them to have a fun time without anything turning uncomfortable. No overly dramatic romance scenes were played, nothing that would make them sit further apart. It was just a nice experience. They laughed together, made their own little jokes about certain things in the movie, and more importantly Addy was able to get more used to his presence.

He didn't put his arm around her shoulder - though he'd been tempted to - and he didn't try and make any sort of movement other than offering her popcorn which she'd gladly accepted. And though it felt strange, Bucky couldn't help himself from thinking that the cinema trip was the best date he'd ever had. There were no expectations for him to make a move, for him to take initiative and ignore the movie to go out of his way to entertain her with charm and actions. She wanted to be there with him and she wanted to watch the movie, she didn't want _him_ , she wanted his company. And Addy was actually funny, that made things ten times better. Everything she said to him in regards to the movie had him laughing, sometimes getting out of him a louder chuckle than the film managed to get.

Both of them were actually surprised when the movie ended as they'd been in the middle of a conversation discussing the main actor's moustache. The lights above came on and both of them looked up in surprise, then looking towards each other and realising that both of them hadn't realised he movie had been nearing its end, which led them to laugh together once again. The only two out of everyone else in the movie theatre laughing _after_ the movie finished. They also ended up being the last ones to leave, intentionally taking their time with putting their coats back on, Addy adding to the time by wrapping her unnecessary scarf around her neck.

As they exited the theatre, anyone that saw them did not assume they were on a date. A great deal of space was being maintained between them, enough to imply that they were actually strangers. Yet Bucky was looking at her with such a wholesome smile and adoring eyes that it confused the entire image.

"Well, that was pretty nice," Bucky commented positively as they paused outside the doorway, trying to stay out of the way. "Want to go for a meal next?" He gestured up the street towards where most of the more popular (and more expensive) restaurants were.

Slowly Addy began to shake her head, reluctant to tell him 'no'. "Actually, it's getting pretty late-"

His face fell like an avalanche of snow falling from the side of a mountain. "Oh," he muttered dejectedly, looking to the floor and placing his hands inside his pockets, it was clear to Addy that her unfinished words had affected him negatively.

"Careful, you almost sound disappointed," Addy attempted to joke, forcing her voice to turn as light as a small bell chiming.

"That's because I am," he confessed, staring her straight in the eyes and not pretending to be feeling anything other than disappointment over the fact that their time together was ending so abruptly.

Addy felt her heart do that thing again where it transformed into some sort of magical stone that threw itself rampantly all around her body, tackling the cavity of her chest, shaking the bones of her body, choking the back of her throat, all because she couldn't handle the revelation that he'd actually quite enjoyed his time with her and wanted to pursue more with her. It made her want to smile as wide as Bucky normally did, but her body was incapable of doing so, so instead the curve of her lips was small and shy, endearing in Bucky's eyes, but there was an additional bit of spice to it that he hadn't failed to notice.

"Well if you'd have let me finish my sentence," she began, immediately bringing Bucky a glint of hope and she certainly didn't disappoint, "I was going to say: 'it's pretty late and I was hoping to show you something'."

His entire body rose up slightly, as though the news had caused his body to ripen. "Oh," he sounded once more, that time his voice lifting into a heavenly happiness. Addy imagined in her head that if he was a dog than his tail would be wagging madly behind him.

It was that image and James' enlivened behaviour which tugged from Addy's heart a giggle, the sound being music to his ears. She rolled her eyes, trying to disguise the enjoyment she was getting from his theatrical behaviour. "Follow me, Meatball," she ordered without any actual demand in her tone, but Bucky still followed.

They maintained the same amount of distance between them the entire walk down the streets, neither moving to hold one another's hands or even just brush shoulders, instead they continued to bond through light jokes and simple conversations which also helped with keeping Bucky distracted whilst Addy guided him down familiar streets. Eventually she stopped and turned left, entering one of the skyscrapers through a front entrance which required a key to get through. He was too involved in the conversation they were having about what kind of pasta was the best for eating to notice exactly where they were, passionately talking away about how he refused to ever eat pasta shaped like a shell as they were far too inconveniently designed.

He continued to be none the wiser as they climbed step after step, floor after floor. Addy found herself trying her best to not show how completely and utterly breathless she was after just two floors, whereas James was only breathing a little bit quicker as he ranted on about pasta and their sometimes frustratingly bothersome shapes.

Addy nodded her head after every sentence he said despite not truly paying attention to his words. She'd started to get nervous, thinking up all possible reasons for why her surprise would only disappoint him. He hadn't seemed to realise where they even were, which made her believe that he wouldn't remember what she was about to show him at all.

It wasn't until they were half way through the comedy movie that she'd decided to take him to that particular location. The idea had loomed over her head for quite a while, first appearing after he'd asked her to go out with him, Addy had been quick to turn down the idea because she wasn't sure if she trusted him the same way she'd trusted his former twelve-year-old self. She didn't know if he still possessed all the great qualities his younger self had or if he'd grown to become someone else entirely.

But through the date he had been nothing but sweet, just like his younger self had been all those years ago, offering out kindness like a bird let out its song. It was still locked in his nature, as was his constantly positive outlook on life. There were obvious differences, his humour had aged with him and he'd clearly figured out how to use that charming smile of his, but, unlike how she'd expected, none of that took away from the fact that he was still James Buchanan Barnes. His unchanging personality meant more than it would to most after a childhood dealing with her mother's constant switching. It made her trust him a little bit more, enough to abandon all of her doubts and give him her surprise.

Bucky didn't actually shut up until she did open the door and the two stepped onto the rooftop. It certainly wasn't what one would expect from a rooftop.

Even though it was night, the shading of green was overwhelming, the green painting every possible corner, matched with a bombardment of colour peeking through. It was like he'd entered one of the most beautiful forests in existence rather than an average New York rooftop. But beneath the woodland aesthetic there was definitely something familiar about the layout and the skyline across from him. He swiftly turned his head back to face her, his mouth dropped open but even then his smile was clear and it brought Addy a special kind of joy because she'd actually managed to do a good surprise. "Wait, is this? No… is it?"

Another giggle was released from her lips, something she'd only been able to muster in James' presence, and then she nodded her head to confirm what jumbled words he'd managed to say through his astonishment. "This is the building we hid on, and this is obviously our roof." A blush appeared on her cheeks as she used the word 'our' when referring to the roof, but it would have felt wrong calling it anything else.

"Wow," he mumbled, the simple word the only thing he could think of that would encapsulate the not-so-simple awe he was feeling in that moment, "this is _beautiful_."

"Thank you, it was hard work getting to this," she gestured to the lantern-filled forest, "from what it once was, but I think it's going pretty well, I moved in three years ago and I'm still not done." She pointed behind her to where there were a collection of empty vases of differing sizes, waiting for flowers to make them their home. They'd all been guilty purchases and part of the reason why she'd had to do the night shift to get more money, she'd bought them as soon as she saw them, not out of necessity, but because she'd known immediately that they'd be perfect for her garden.

"Wait, what?" James looked at the vases for only a moment before flickering his eyes back to the forest and then to Addy, repeating the movement five more times. "Y- You live here now? And this, you did all of this?" The strawberry blonde nodded her head proudly, her dignity swelling as Bucky continued to display his astonishment. "This is amazing!"

"I put a lot of heart and soul into it," she replied, grateful that Bucky was so pleased by her project.

"And love?" He added, and though his words were meant to be a little joke, it was the one thing that struck her deeply.

Immediately she tried to move on, avoiding his eyes and walking past him towards a small table with two chairs at the side of it, from the top of the painted white table she plucked a small object, turning back to the brunette and offering it to him. "This is yours I believe." James took the object from her hand, examining it in the dim light gifted from the lanterns scattered about. It took him a few moments before realising that in his hands he was holding what was once his wallet. Addy had kept it with her ever since she'd stolen it, never using the money inside as the guilt had been too much for her to bear, the guilt that had screamed at her that she was behaving as her mother would. She'd always intended to return it, even when she'd lost hope of ever seeing James again, she'd never thrown it away in case she did get to return it.

He released a strange sounding laugh and though Addy had thought that he would be happy, the laugh was implying more than just disbelief. "What?"

"I, uh, I brought you something too," he revealed, reaching into his jacket and pulling from it another familiar object for one of them.

"Bartholomew!" Addy yelled, practically snatching it from Bucky's hand and immediately holding it to her chest. Her childhood self made an appearance as she looked down at the bear with a dazzling gaze, overjoyed to be reunited with the one thing that had kept her feeling a little less lonely as a child whenever mother disappeared, either to a bar or to somewhere in their tiny apartment with a bottle of red wine.

"Your suitcase was left in the alleyway so I took it home, thinking that I'd see you again sooner rather than later. I threw the clothes away eventually because I knew they wouldn't fit anymore and it just felt weird having clothes for a small girl in my wardrobe, but I did keep the bear." He wasn't even sure if she was actually listening to him talk, too busy cuddling the teddy bear as close to her as she could. He shut his mouth, allowing her and Bartholomew to get reacquainted. And whilst he allowed them to do that, he couldn't help but think how totally and completely charmed by Addy he was.

She had her walls, but he understood why they were there and he was more than willing to pull them down brick by brick. As she held the teddy against her chest he saw the part of herself that she kept only for those intimately close. It was the kid in her that always tried to find the end of a rainbow, that overflowed her plant pots with water because she thought she was giving them more love, it was the flower in her that grew back even after being stepped on, it was a persevering spirit fighting against daily adversaries, it was _Addy_ , it was everything Bucky wanted.

He wanted to be with her, to protect her the way he should have ten years ago, to give her all the love she'd deserved a lifetime ago. He wanted to take the second chance they'd been given and use it to create something even destiny wasn't prepared for. Bucky hadn't been lying when he told Steve that he believed Addy was the one, even if he had actually said that before about some of his (many) past girlfriends.

"Ask me if I believe in love," he demanded abruptly.

Addy raised her head slowly, eyebrows crushing together as she took in what words he'd ejaculated. "Why?"

"Because." Because he wanted her to ask him, and not have it being him pushing his beliefs onto her.

"You're such a meatball," she commented once more, not immediately asking the question he wanted to hear because she didn't want to ask it. She'd already had Alice and Gladys pushing their ideals of love onto her, telling her that she was wrong to not believe in love. But Addy was the kind of person who only ever believed in the things that there was scientific proof for, and for the first twelve years of her life, all she ever saw was proof that love didn't exist. Only the fabrication people wanted to believe in. She saw her mother throwing herself at every man that looked her way, desperately chasing what was her own fable of love: a man that would buy her things. Addy had never felt love off of anyone, just the cold touch of her mother's venomous hands. And it was because of that upbringing that Addy believed she was able to see the truth, that there wasn't actually any love, just people chasing after what the fairytales spoke of.

But, despite her resentment towards the subject, there was a curiosity to be found in her, a little flower peeking through a blanket of snow. Addy believed it was more a desire to learn additional information about James rather than it being something to do with love. There was something different about the man before her, something that set him aside from all the other males she'd spent most of her life fearing, perhaps it was the bond that they already had thanks to their day together, or maybe it was because every time they interacted he was taking caution with her, unfolding her petals carefully, patient to see the beauty within.

"James," she began, taking a deep breath and collecting her courage, "do you believe in love?"

"First of all, my name is Bucky," he corrected, quickly moving onto the main conversation, not realising how big of an issue her inability to call him by his nickname would become. "And second of all, not the kind from the stories, or those movies they're making where there are all these happy endings. I don't believe in any of that, but that doesn't stop me liking all of those ideas either. My favourite one is this story a guy once told me when I was really young - apparently, it's what they believe in China - he told me that there's a red string tied to everyone's finger and they connect up to someone else, and that that person is your soulmate. The red string can go on forever, all across the planet, and sometimes it can get tangled, but that doesn't stop there being a person you're connected to. Do I believe in it? No, of course not. But that doesn't stop me wishing it was true, from wanting to be so connected to someone despite them being worlds away, all just by a little red string. I do believe in love, I do believe that it's something that should be impossible, and I believe that's exactly what makes it love."

He'd said all of his words earnestly and she'd felt every bit of honesty reverberating through her bones. He was the biggest advocate for love that she'd ever met, and his best friend would be able to confirm that. But it still didn't change Addy's past and the horrible things it had taught her.

"That's a sweet idea and everything, but if it can get tangled up then that means there's a chance you'll never meet that person." That was her biggest issue with love overall, not just James' theory. The chance of meeting the person they were meant to be with for the rest of their life was very unlikely, bordering impossible. She couldn't see the point in risking her heart, wasting it on people who would do nothing but break it apart. It was safer being kept inside of the cage made up of her ribs.

But in response to her argument, Bucky simply laughed, as though her reasoning meant nothing. "But that's why we fall in love, we put faith in that they are the one."

"Well, I- I hope you don't think that I'm the one, or going to be your one." Addy felt very uncomfortable throwing out such an assumption but it was also very necessary that she made it clear to him her own reservations and unwillingness to date or be in a relationship. "This whole thing tonight, this whole date, it was fun but I can't… I can't fall in love with you, with anyone."

Addy hated that part of her most of all, more than the anxiety and the fear of the dark. It was the fact that she could never experience love which ruined her life and her soul more than anything, even though she didn't believe in it, she still felt the loss of not having it. She didn't know if it was due to her upbringing, or because she'd avoided romance like the plague when growing up to the point where the concept was simply foreign to her, a language everyone except for her could speak.

"I'm not asking you to, I swear," he vowed, unafraid to make such a promise, simply glad that she'd been truthful with him. "All I'm asking is to be a part of your life. You're a good person Addy and I like you a lot, you're the kind of person I'd like to have in my life, even if it's just as a friend."

"I don't want to be like my mother," she professed, feeling even more like she needed to tell him her decision and how she'd chosen to live her life just so he could know what he was really getting himself into. The people that befriended or dated her mother never understood fully what they were inviting into their homes, and they'd always ended up regretting it and throwing her out. Though Addy could understand why people had abandoned her mother, it was something she never wanted to experience herself. "I don't want to give my heart to everyone I meet for some cheap version of whatever love is idealised to be. I can't promise I'll ever be able to give you anything other than my slightly awkward company, I don't do physical touch, I've never even held someone's hand except for my mothers and whenever I did that I felt like the oxygen from the world had disappeared all of a sudden."

James wanted to reach out to offer her some sort of physical comfort but her recent words had made it clear to him how bad of an idea that would be, the best thing he could do was keep his distance and utilise his words. "Stop worrying Addy, I promise I'm never going to make you hold my hand," he joked, metaphorically pushing away the serious air that had reared up.

Addy stared at him for a moment, though she was more observing than looking, trying to conclude that his attempt at a joke was his way of telling her that he understood the way she was, that he'd accepted it, and did not mind having a friend who behaved in such a way. "Okay," she eventually responded, exhaling a long breath in an attempt to rid herself of the unwelcome emotions, wanting to join James in a more relaxed tension.

"Okay," James was smiling and Addy hoped that was a good sign.

She hoped that after tonight he wasn't going to run for the hills because there was no doubt in her mind that she was crazy and belonged in some sort of sanatorium rather than the streets of New York. "So, does this make us friends?"

The brunette didn't answer her back, choosing to use his actions rather than his words to answer her question. Gently, he pulled from her hand the bouquet he'd gifted her at the start of their date, then he proceeded to walk over to Addy's collection of vases. It took him a while to pick one, truly thinking about what would fit the best. When he did finally pick a vase - a medium-sized one decorated with Greek-style imagery of a long-haired woman wandering through a woodland area, a regally dressed male with a crown atop his head reaching out for the maiden with his hand, the other hidden by his side - he wandered once more towards Addy, surpassing her and placing the garden vase on the table, putting the daisies inside of it. He looked back to her very proud of himself.

That vase was his answer.

* * *

 **A/N: Hello there! I've really got to apologise about this upload schedule, it is just all over the place right now. On the upside I've managed to write a chapter every day this week so far? I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things and will hopefully be moving on to doing two uploads every week. I've got a job interview tomorrow so I don't know if I'll be writing much tomorrow, but I really am trying to get back into writing and I'm getting near my favourite part of the plot for part one so my motivations gone up slightly.**

 **And just out of curiosity, did anyone get what image was on the vase?**

 **To Guest, I know I'm almost ten days late to this but happy birthday! I hope you had a good one?**

 **To Assbitch67, I can't wait to go deaf! AND WHOO FOR SELF HATRED! I wouldn't be here without it ;) And it's cool Mexican Twin and soulmate, I totally understand what you mean which is why I didn't push or anything, I hope you didn't take it offensively that I just asked for a beta? I didn't think about how it could come across until just now :/**

 **To Guest 2, OKAY THAT WAS COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT BUT OH MY GODDDDD HYPE HYPE HYPE I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW SPIDERMAN MOVIE**

 **To OfSeashellsandStars, I'm happy you think this is good, like I stated before I've been very unsure of this project. I am doing well, hope you are too. And about beta-ing, I sent you a PM but you never responded? Hope you're okay, sorry if I'm coming across pushy lol.**

 **To LoveFiction2019, yay! I'm glad to hear it.**

 **And a big thank you to everyone that read the chapter and is being patient with me!**


	7. Chapter Five

**CHAPTER FIVE**

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"Each of us must confront our own fears. Must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it."

― **Judy Blume**

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 **December, 1939**

* * *

Bucky Barnes was sat inside a New York ballroom with Steve by his side. The smaller man was downing his second drink of beer, his eyes on a blonde bombshell dancing with a dashing black-haired alpha male, there was something bitter about his observing gaze. Bucky had a glass of water in his hands - deciding that he wanted to be especially sober that night - and his own eyes were fixed on the staircase which led down in the ballroom, in particular, the wide wooden doors that many people had entered and exited through, all except for the one person he'd been hoping to see for the past hour.

Steve turned to face his friend, head lolling slightly as the alcohol hadn't waited long before taking effect on his small frame. He was aiming to complain to his friend about how the person he was supposed to be on a date with had wasted less time than the last one had before ditching him for someone else, someone who could actually dance. But once he turned to face his buddy and saw that the brunette was doing the exact same thing that he'd been doing the last time Steve checked him, all the blond could do was a sigh, feeling as disappointed as he expected Bucky was going to be when he also realised what Steve already knew. It had been over an hour, the strawberry blonde just wasn't going to show up.

Supportively, Steve lifted his hand up and clapped it down on his friend's shoulder, breaking the trance that Bucky had been in. "I'm sorry, looks like she's not turning up after all," he muttered, trying to back-up his friend whilst also breaking the news Bucky had thus far been ignoring.

But it soon became clear that he'd doubted Bucky's dedication as the brunette immediately shuffled his friends hand off of his shoulder, his stare on the doorway unmoving. "She will," he responded, "just you wait."

Steve clamped his mouth shut and wrapped his hand back around his beer, deciding he would just let his friend figure the truth out on his own, it wasn't the first time Bucky had refused to listen to Steve's opinion on a certain strawberry blonde and it wasn't the first time that Steve had tried to make him realise that he was more dedicated to her than she was of him.

Earlier that morning he'd been in the exact same predicament.

"This won't work," Steve had told Bucky, shaking his head disbelievingly at his friend after hearing the proud brunette's plan to get Addy to unknowingly go on a second date with him. He'd been plotting it the entire night before, going over every possible detail in his mind, every hurdle that could come his way something he was prepared to jump over. It was what blossomed his undeterred confidence.

Over the past few months Addy and Bucky had been perfectly good _friends_ , hanging out and enjoying one another's presence. Their most popular hang out spots were Rendez-vous and Addy's rooftop. He would constantly make surprise visits to her place of work and it was a part of the tradition for her to give him a drink so that Gladys wouldn't complain that he was taking up space at the bar and was keeping Addy from working. That was where Bucky was journeying to with his best friend, to his favourite bar in New York.

Bucky dismissed his friend's pessimism, shaking his head in denial as he continued to stroll determinedly down the street. "Just you watch," he responded eagerly and it was Steve's turn to shake his head, though it was filled with a lot more shame.

They reached the bar in under five minutes thanks to Bucky's overzealous walking and Steve found himself a seat away from the bar, choosing to observe his friend rather than partake in his terrible plan, though technically Steve hadn't really been given a choice.

As Bucky approached Addy, the strawberry blonde was already beginning to prepare him a drink, having been aware of him the second he entered the bar, it was almost like she'd been waiting for him to arrive. "Hey, Doll," he greeted, sitting down in the bar stool he'd practically claimed as his own.

"Hello, Meatball." Addy handed him a glass of whiskey but he didn't bother to drink it immediately, wanting to take his time with the drink so there wouldn't be any rush for him to leave.

The strawberry blonde was wearing what Alice had coined five months ago as the 'Bucky smile', a curve of her lips that blossomed whenever Bucky was around, as though he were the sun itself pouring life into her. It only appeared when he was around, only ever for him. And of course Bucky would wear the exact same, though everyone but Addy was able to see the hopeless love that filled his smile and made his eyes twinkle brighter than the snow in the sunlight.

Proudly, Bucky dropped a heavy red bag on top of the bar, the bag so heavy that it made a banging sound and caused numerous glasses to jingle together, bringing the attention of the two other patrons at the bar and Alice, who was stood at the opposite side of the bar. Addy eyed the large red bag decorated with white glitter snowflakes and matching red tissue paper sticking out of the top, she knew it was supposed to be festive but there was something about the radiant colours which alarmed her. "What's that?" She asked, slyly shuffling her way backwards until her back met the barside against the wall.

He pushed it closer towards her, too excited and self-assured in his plan to notice the spark of anxiety fizzling within her. "It's your Christmas present," he announced, acting like a child giving their mother their very first gift. Bucky nodded his head over towards it when he noticed her making no move to inspect it, encouraging her to do so, and there was just something about his boyish glee that made it hard for her to refuse him. There was just something about him that made it impossible for her to refuse him.

Addy carefully approached the bag, her movements equally as slow as she peered into the bag and parted the tissue paper. When she raised her head once more, pulling out of the bag an invitation that had been on top of the bag's contents, the strawberry blonde dawned an expression of pure bafflement. "I don't get it."

"Well it's simple really," he responded, leaning forward in his seat so she could receive the full effect of his charm, "that's for you to make use of tonight at The Meadows ballroom Christmas party with me, Steve, and his date for tonight."

"...Sorry, what?" Words could not describe the pure panic flaring up within her like a forest fire out of nowhere, all because she'd become incredibly close to James, bonding with him on a level few were ever allowed. It had taken Alice years to get such a connection with her, yet because of that day ten years ago Bucky had sped his way to a close friend status in her life. Which is why she was so panicked, though it had seemed like he'd understood the way she was, the gift and his invitation implied that he wanted more than just a friendship, and she wasn't ready for anything like that.

Then again, she hadn't felt ready for their first date and to become his friend. She'd somehow done that.

He clasped his hands in front of him, preparing himself to recite the words he'd thought up the night before to accompany his plot. "Well, Steve got himself a date for the dance but he wants me to come along and make sure that things go away, and of course I want to be there to support him, but I think it will be awkward if I go there alone. I was hoping my other best friend would keep me company." He did his best to explain everything innocently so Addy wouldn't realise it was all a trap to get her to go on a second date.

He didn't feel evil or conniving for his plot as he'd learnt overtime that Addy wasn't just afraid of all the bad things in the world, she was also afraid of the good. She was afraid of falling, and she was also afraid of flying. A date with him would be good, he was sure of that. And that wasn't cockiness talking, it was the proof he'd been given from the nine months they'd had together and all the days they'd spent with one another without any pressure to be more than themselves. All those days had been amazing, and he wanted to recreate that in a date setting so that perhaps one day she'd go on an actual, proper, date. She just needed a little push, that was something Bucky had actually learnt from Alice.

Despite being given a reason Bucky thought was foolproof, after a few moments of thinking over it, Addy shook her head, "I- I don't dance."

"I'm not asking you to dance, I just want you to keep me company and make my night a lot less boring," he argued the moment she'd finished speaking, already having thought up points to go against all the arguments Addy could make.

All except for one: "I also have a shift tonight."

Bucky's body deflated in the stool and his crestfallen expression was a puncture to Addy's own heart. "You never told me you had a night shift," he muttered sadly and it was clear he'd taken a little bit of offence as well.

Over the past four months Addy had started to do more night shifts with the assistance of Bucky. He would walk her to Rendez-vous, keep her company through the night, and then walk her home once the shift was finished. He made her capable of doing the night shifts.

"I was going to tell you about it tomorrow after I successfully got through a night without needing you," she explained, her hands beginning to knead together in an attempt to calm the waves of anxiety bashing the inside of her stomach. It was something that was instantaneous the moment she realised that she'd done something wrong. It was her instinct to react in such a way, to believe that the world was ending all because she'd made one mistake.

It was Alice who'd come to the rescue at that point, stepping over to stand at Addys side. "She can go with you, she's got the night off," the bar owner announced and from beside the strawberry blonde she winked over to Bucky, clearly able to spy what his real intentions were and thankfully agreeing with his plot. That was the best thing about Alice, she wanted Addy to learn that the world wasn't such a terrible place too.

Addy looked even more shaken after Alice's intervention and Bucky chose to speak up before the strawberry blonde had any chance to make up an argument. "Great, I'll see you there tonight then," he declared, finally picking up his drink and downing it's contents, the empty glass being his signal to Addy that he was going to leave.

She opened her mouth, making an attempt to try and conjure up a few words that would allow her to get out of going but all that came out was a string of strange noises so instead she huffed and crossed her arms across her chest, turning to glare at Alice.

Bucky found all of it very adorable so he left by giving her one last, heart-skipping, smile of endearment. As he rejoined Steve he put out his arms in celebration though Steve didn't rejoice, he just widened his eyes. "It worked?"

"Of course it worked," Bucky responded, as confident as ever, which was a very dangerous thing.

After that they left the bar and got ready for the dance, Bucky met Steve outside of The Meadow and together they found a seat inside, it had been harder than it should have been but Bucky wanted to find the _right_ seat that wouldn't be too far into the crowd but also wasn't too far into the shadows.

Steve's date arrived before Addy did and she grew bored rather quickly, she'd asked Steve for a dance but the blond needed a lot more time to build up courage before he embarrassed himself on a dancefloor. The date then asked Bucky for a dance but he quickly declined, his fixation on the door that Addy would walk through and the door alone.

That was the first time Steve realised just how dedicated Bucky was to the strawberry blonde. He'd been hearing all about Addy for the past nine months and he'd actually heard about her many times before that. She'd transformed from being the girl with forests in her eyes to being the woman he planned to spend the rest of his life with, and though Steve had been quick to label her as another girl Bucky would love wholly for a month before moving on, maybe even being one of the girls he loved whilst loving another, because of Bucky's different behaviour he was starting to question that.

Steve's date left and an hour later Steve was finishing his second beer and Bucky was still staring at the staircase and Addy _still wasn't there_. He wondered how much longer his friend's faith was going to last.

The orchestra finished 'March of the Toys' and all the people that had been swinging on the dancefloor allowed themselves a moments rest so they could applaud the brilliant orchestra that was filling the grand ballroom with beautiful music. The room was covered in red, green and gold decorations, tinsel and glitter thrown everywhere that was possible. In the middle of the dancefloor was a tree the size of a building, dusted in fake snow that would sprinkle onto the dancefloor whenever knocked. It might not have been Christmas day, but in that room with all those decorations and the music and the spirit and the spirits, it was as close as anyone would be able to get. All except for Bucky of course, whose Christmas would begin only when Addy was by his side.

The host for the night stepped up onto the stage in a theatrical manner, trying to earn smiles from the crowd, he also applauded the orchestra before moving to the centre stage in front of a microphone. He threw out a few jokes, some received better than others, and then he introduced the act which was the reason most people had chosen to go to The Meadow that night: Martha Tilton. She was one of the best singers in the world. Even Bucky was a big fan, though not in that moment, even as her radiant voice began to melodice 'And the Angels Sing', he was practically deaf to the music because the wide oak doors had opened and his Christmas present had _finally_ arrived.

Dawning an extravagant forest green dress that was a mixture of sheer fabric and a white lace floral pattern, was Addy Carbonell. Her flamboyant curls were pulled back in an attempt to recreate an updo like what some of the finer ladies wore, but because of her temperamental hair, loose threads stuck out at unusual angles. She was a mess, and the most perfect woman in that room to Bucky.

It had immediately become Bucky's favourite moment of 1939, the fact that she had turned up to a place she wouldn't have even considered entering nine months ago if it wasn't for Bucky and the image of her searching the crowd and then grasping onto relief the moment her eyes did land on him. It was a picture perfect moment for him, but only for him.

As she rushed her way down the stairs (the moment of course playing in slow motion for him) in order to reach Bucky, Addy's anxiety was at an all time high, a mountain built on crumbling earth, a hand pointing up to the sky reaching out for God but he was turning away. He always turned away.

She was closing in on herself, wrapping her arms tightly around her own figure, doing her best to not touch any of the mass amounts of people which surrounded her, too afraid of what she'd feel from a single bit of contact. The strawberry blonde was already being overwhelmed by everyone's past, present and future, if her powers were to focus on anything more than she was sure she'd collapse beneath the weight of it all.

"Hey, Doll!" Bucky greeted her, all smiles and excitement as he eyed her up and down, appreciating the way the dress looked on her. He couldn't see the anguish inside of her, the rotting leaves stuffing her lungs and throat, the weeds overgrowing around her bones until it became her entirely. But of course he couldn't see the glacial winter destroying the summer garden inside of her, because she didn't want him to.

"Hello, Meatball," she responded, printing out the same smile Bucky was wearing but it came out as a crumpled copy. Addy was trying her best to be positive, to build up a good enough facade that James would be convinced she was happy to be there. She didn't want to disappoint him, didn't want to make him hate her because she couldn't be what he wanted, it was what drove her to go to the dance despite undressing and redressing herself five times beforehand. She just needed to pretend like she was fine for a couple of hours. Just a couple of hours. She could do that.

But no one else could feel what she did and that drove her even more insane, because if anyone did find out then they would think she was a complete headcase. No one could understand the dull ache in her bones that made them heavier, mixing with the numbness resulting from all the inebriated fools that were celebrating. No one could ever dream of feeling the mass amount of joy in the room like a sun inside her heart, bruning her from the inside, or the loneliness like rot suffocating her flesh, or the lust that growled at the back of her throat as a monster she had no control over. It was bombarding, to the point where all her senses felt numb in comparison.

Bucky, who had been stood up when she started to approach the table, gestured to the seat he'd once been sat in whilst reaching over and grabbing another one for himself. She quickly moved to sit herself down, not minding how close Steve and Bucky were to her for once as she hoped her sense of them would overpower everything else.

It didn't.

"How was the walk over?" Bucky asked, his entire body directly facing her. On his face was what Steve had termed as the 'Addy smile', it filled up his entire face and there was a large essence of goofiness to it, not the usual charm he'd often wear when first pursuing a dame.

"Fine." Addy couldn't even hear herself speak.

"Sorry I couldn't meet you, but I needed to be here when Steve met his date," Bucky reached over to pat his friend on the back, trying to get his friends attention and stop the blond from staring glumly at the dame who was supposed to be his date.

Addy just shrugged her shoulders, actually glad that he hadn't picked her up for once because at least then she'd been given the opportunity to build up a suitable argument for going, even though it had become lost on her the moment she stepped inside the building. "Where is the date?" Addy asked Steve, doing her best to engage him in a conversation without acting too shy. She hadn't had much interaction with Steve, of course she'd met him before (Addy had learnt pretty quickly that Bucky and Steve came as a package) but she'd only ever really spoken to Bucky and made a few short comments to Steve.

With one hand still holding onto his now empty beer glass, he pointed over to the dancefloor. "Over there."

The strawberry blonde tried to pinpoint who his finger was pointing to, eventually landing on a beautiful woman in an obnoxiously pink dress dancing intimately with another man, she decided to look and see if there was anyone else he could be pointing at but she soon realised that it didn't matter. There was no one dancing alone. "Oh," she sounded, realising quickly the reason for Steve's obvious sour mood.

"Yeah." He grumbled shortly, returning the glass to his lips but finding that only a drop of beer flowed into his mouth, which made him even more sullen.

Bucky persisted with his positivity though, incapable of doing anything else as sunbeams practically shot out of him, all because Addy hadn't actually come to the dance for him. "It's fine, she just needs to get dancing out of her system and then she'll come back and get to know you properly, right Addy?"

She attempted a nod, a simple movement, a simple shake of the head, but her body felt so stiff, chains wrapped around her body that had become a soundproof room internalising a million screams and only one of them was her own.

"I think she just needed someone to buy her a ticket," Steve replied sarcastically, letting his glass go and sitting back in his seat. He didn't want to turn to alcohol for comfort, he didn't want to become that kind of person just because he had constant bad luck with the woman. It was made easier by having his friend there, by having someone to talk to and joke with, by having someone there to listen and that was what Bucky was great for.

They continued talking, but it all became background noise to Addy, melding with the music and the chatter, becoming nothing more than a faint buzz because all of the real noise was inside of her head.

Her eyes were still transfixed on the dancefloor, on that one spot which had changed multiple times due to the dancers moving around the floor. At one point a space was opened up, leading all the way to the tree, and as it was knocked by a passing dancer the fake snow fell blissfully to the ground. She did not see any of that. What she saw was something unreal, something scarier than the demons in her head and the demons she'd seen in the minds of others.

It was a soldier. He stood tall, back straight, head up. He donned a murky green uniform that was as clean as a whistle, with a body meant for war, for fighting. And then there was the soldiers face, or, the lack of one. All she saw was a long patch of flesh, there was no eyes, no nose, no lips, nothing to give the soldier an identity. Yet she somehow knew that he was staring back at her, past the snow which fell in front of his eyes, looking into her soul. And though she didn't realise it at the time, that was also when the joyous chatter of the dancers and drinkers became yells of anguish, the two sounding horrifically similar. It wasn't until the echoes of blood-curdling explosions and gunfire began to sound that Addy realised her mind, her sense, had gone somewhere else. Somewhere she never wanted to visit.

Slowly, the soldier brought up its arm, pointing a gloved finger directly towards her. Danger, it screamed without moving its mouth. Danger. Danger. Danger.

And that was the moment when it all became too much. She could barely feel her own body, barely control it's aching, twitching, muscles, and the ears that felt like they were leaking blood. Addy had to get out of there.

With the last bit of control she had in her body, she stood up, skirt catching under her feet and causing her to trip as she attempted to move away from the close tables and exit the building altogether.

"Addy?" Bucky called, watching her at first with a confused expression, making no move to follow her as he hadn't even realised her intentions until she'd left the space completely and entered the dancefloor. "Where are you going?" The strawberry blonde continued to ignore him and continued to walk forward, bumping into many people on the dancefloor but ignorantly persevering forward, eventually reaching the staircases and falling once more because of the lengthy dress she wore.

Meanwhile, Bucky was looking to Steve, wondering if his friend had noticed anything peculiar but the blond simply shrugged his shoulders, his eyes still transfixed on the latest date he'd managed to lose. Bucky gave up on trying to get anything from his friend, not wanting to waste any more time as he pursued Addy, having a much easier time getting out of the building as he didn't have a skirt getting in his way. He didn't know that as he walked through the dancefloor that he'd walked on the same spot that the faceless soldier had stood before.

He found Addy outside on the street, the cobbles wet from the small snow storm that had happened the previous day. She was bent over, one hand placed against the cold wall, pushing against it despite the stray stones digging into her palm. Addy had needed to feel something, anything but the sensations that cursed her in that room.

"Doll, are you alright? What happened?" He interrogated as he approached, still choosing to run towards her. He stopped himself a few centimetres away from her, automatically knowing that he couldn't touch her, despite the way his body would twitch passionately for him to do so, to just offer her a hand.

"I- I'm sorry, I couldn't do it," she choked out, tears falling frustratingly dramatically from her eyes as she kept her face away from his and out of the moonlight, "I'm so sorry."

"Hey, don't be silly, you're okay. Just tell me what happened and we'll figure it out. Was it all those people, cause you've been doing well on the night shift, I know Rendez-vous has less people in it but-"

"No, no, it's not that. You won't understand." The strawberry blonde's grievance became clear in the way she spoke with her teeth gritted, mostly angry at herself for failing James, another part of her angry at her body for absorbing all of those sensations immediately, with no care of the damage it would do to her mind.

She could still feel it all trembling her body, all the joy and greed and lust and drunkenness. And every time she closed her eyes the image of that faceless soldier would appear, he'd be screaming danger every time as well. Danger for what, she didn't know. Addy knew the answer was there somewhere, it always was with her visions, but she didn't even want to bother trying to figure it out.

She just wanted to go home, away from everything and everyone because just as she expected all her socialising had done was damage her. "I should just go." There was no point trying anymore, despite how much she wanted to be a good friend for Bucky, there was just no hope for her. She was too damaged. The strawberry blonde straightened herself back up and began to walk away from James.

"Hey, no, wait. Please." Bucky was a lot faster than her, managing to run in front of her without having to put in much effort. She immediately looked away, doing her best to not look him in the eyes. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong," he tried to make her see reason. "Whatever is it I won't judge, you know I won't, we made that deal ten years ago, remember?"

A deal? What deal… Addy wracked her brain, thinking back to when they met as children, going over the details of that memory before finally recollecting what he was referring to.

" _How about this, I'll judge you when you give me something to judge, deal?" He offered her his hand and despite the fact that she refused to look at his face, he showed how much he hoped she'd shake his hand in order to push her more, to accept that he really was only there to help her. Adelaine didn't hesitate, for two reasons: she was really starting to like James, and because fear told her that she would need such a deal in the future._

"You won't believe me," she explained, no doubt in her mind because if someone were to tell her then she wouldn't believe them. She would call them crazy in a heartbeat.

"Try me." His challenge was simple, and effective.

She sighed, clutching her hands together tightly. Addy didn't need to figure out what words she would use as she'd already imagined the conversation a million times with Bucky before, but in the end, she'd always concluded that it wasn't a conversation one would want to have.

"I have what I've called a 'sense'," she began nervously, her voice lowering to a whisper which reflected just how ashamed she was of her curse, "I don't really know what it is, some people might call it a psychic power. I don't know. I can just sense details about a person that you wouldn't be able to, their souls, their emotions, their stories. And I see things too, strange things. Sometimes it can be very overwhelming, especially in a room full of so many people, I- I can't control it."

"Right. Okay." It was clear what she'd told him had come as quite a shock, and for that she didn't blame him. It confused her too. A moment of silence passed between them which had her nerves unravelling even more, yet she stayed where she stood because it seemed like James was thinking over what she'd told him, and Addy found herself wanting to hear his thoughts. She just wanted to know that their friendship wasn't over. He suddenly sprung his hands up, beginning to speak once more, "okay, so I'm going to imagine it's a lot like noise."

"I… Yeah, that sort of works." Her lips twitched to the side as she struggled to even begin with simplifying what she went through, but for the sake of whatever James was going to say she let him use that metaphor, adding a little more to it so he could understand somewhat better. "I guess. If the noise makes your body feel like it's dying and on fire and drowning and freezing."

He waved his hands about, not dismissing her, telling her silently that he understood what she meant and that it kind of worked with what he was saying. "Well, would it help to focus on a voice? Or, a… a sense. A sense of me perhaps?" He'd struggled to word everything properly, his desperation trumping his need to force his words to make perfect sense.

"I don't know," she sighed again, shaking her head and taking a reluctant step back. It would have been so easy for her to accept his help in that moment, the same way she'd allowed him to help her with getting used to night shifts. But he'd already done so much for her, and what had she given him? Nothing but doubts for her mental state.

"Well, could you try? Just for a minute?" He wasn't the type to beg, but he really wanted her to go in that room, he really wanted to help her. It wasn't because he wanted to finish what they'd started ten years ago, not anymore. He wanted to help her because he wanted to be able to be in her life, and he couldn't do that when she was so closed off, so defensive.

"James…" She was caving in, Addy could feel her heart pulling her closer to him but there was simply no logical gain from doing such a thing. Addy was who she was, whether she liked it or not she was still just that child, lost and alone and afraid. Too afraid.

"Bucky." He immediately corrected, not wasting time to build up an argument on why she should call him by his nickname as he'd been doing so for the past few months. He still kept trying though, he was always still trying with her, even when her anxiety would push him away James would still just push back. She never could understand why he was so persistent with her, but it had become a lot easier to accept the more time she spent with him. "Come on, if it doesn't work then we'll go somewhere else. To the roof."

The brunet took one step closer to the Meadow, angling his head towards it whilst keeping his hopeful eyes pressed on her and there it appeared once more within her, that thing which defied logic, that thing which had the potential of making Addy do absolutely anything for Bucky. It wasn't pressure, it wasn't reason, it was a desire of some sort, but not the kind of desire that was made from venom. No, the desire she felt was more like the life that caused trees to bloom.

They ended up going inside together, Addy reluctant but once again pushing herself so she wouldn't end up disappointing James. He'd helped her so much over the past few months so she definitely owed him, yet it wasn't about that for Addy, that wasn't the reason she followed him. She'd owed her mother for keeping a rooftop over her head, for putting food on her plate. But it was different with Bucky, it wasn't about owing him. Addy _wanted_ to be better for James, _wanted_ to be the best part of herself for him, _wanted_ to be able to enjoy her time with him. She tried not to lose that reason as she entered The Meadow again, feeling like she'd walked into a wall as all of those emotions and sensations hit her once again.

It was like drowning in water for her, they seeped into her skin, soaked her hair, filled her lungs, clogged her throat. There was no escaping it. And there was so much of it that she couldn't differentiate between the strangers and Bucky, it was all just water to her.

"Is it working?" He asked as they found their table once again. Steve had vanished, most likely to go get himself another beer or to give Bucky and Addy some time alone to figure out whatever was wrong with her. Addy never answered his question, she was too busy concentrating on trying to breathe, as well as forcing herself to look down so she didn't see the faceless soldier again. It ended up being much worse the second time. She'd concluded that it was because she'd known all of the pain was going to be there, she hadn't tried her hardest to fight against it like the first time, instead she'd just accepted it all and was just doing her best to survive through it.

Bucky could see the pain she was in, her eyes were unblinking and unmoving, widened to the point of straining her and it seemed her body had become a statue. "Can I… Can I try something?" He suddenly felt unexpectedly nervous as a new plan formed in his head, something that he'd been planning to actually save for the future. He raised his hand again, just the one, and hovered it over hers that was laid flat against the table. Bucky hadn't thought it possible, but after seeing what he was suggesting her eyes actually grew even wider. "I know you're scared but just try it, I swear I'm not going to hurt you. You can sense that right, if I'm telling the truth?"

It took a while before she nodded her head. She'd known from the second she met him that she could trust him. The thing that made her hold back was the touching, the skin-to-skin contact. For the first few years of her life the only touch she'd received was from her mother and the strange men that would be brought home with the monster. All those touches were harsh. Were metal licking her skin, nails reaching for bones, stone scraping her away. All those touches were harmful. All those touches were unwanted. Every single one of them made her feel weak, vulnerable, like a book opened up and doused with water. And ever since, every other touch had made her feel exactly the same.

But it was Bucky. It was James. The only person who'd never made her feel any of that, who she could be around without her mind convincing her she needed to feel like that.

She swallowed down her fear and gave a very small nod of her head.

He put his hand on top of hers, laying his palm flat against the top of Addy's, and when she didn't immediately react by pulling her hand away he proceeded to wrap his fingers around her hand.

Bucky felt his heart leap out of his body when she wrapped her fingers around his hand as well.

It was like magic for her, Addy genuinely felt like she'd been put under some sort of spell as all the overhwleming sensations were detoxed from her body and replaced with everything that was James. He was the right amount of warmth, like a blanket put over her body on a cold day. His happiness was soft, a gentle touch on her heart, as gentle as the way he was squeezing her hand. It was all James and it was all brilliant and it was all she could feel. _He_ was all she could feel.

It was strange, because when James had first put his hand on hers all she'd been reminded of was the hands of her mother and how they would leave purple galaxies on her skin that she'd never been able to find beautiful. But his touch hadn't been like that, the feeling he gave her hadn't even been close to that. It was safety she felt after his touch, a secureness in her heart that there was no need to fear. For the first time in her life, she couldn't find a reason to be scared, and even if it was just for a moment, it was enough to make her want to hold his hand all the time. And that was another bizarre thing, her wanting intimate touch from someone. Bucky was gifting her many strange things, but perhaps the strangest part of all was how much Addy actually adored it all. Every bit of it.

They stayed there in that position for a few minutes, probably looking strange to everyone else that spied the pair but they were in their own little world, one that didn't care much for the stares of others. They were both smiling. Small smiles that could hold an entire sun in them.

"I want to try something else," he suddenly announced, standing up but keeping a hold on her hand, he never wanted to let go of her hand in case she didn't let him hold it again. Her hand was so soft, her fingers small and thick like cute little sausages. He liked that there was no sharpness to her, she was all soft and round, she was perfect, from head to toe. Though she was looking at him nervously, Addy also stood up and allowed him to lead her (she didn't have much choice when he was holding her hand, she still didn't mind though). "This might be a little scarier, but I'm going to be there with you every step of the way," he encouraged as they stopped on the dancefloor, she immediately looked over towards the tree in panic but the soldier wasn't there anymore, it was almost like Bucky had quietened her sense completely.

"I told you I can't dance," she mumbled, looking down at her feet as Bucky started to lead her even as she was arguing against it. Even Addy noticed there wasn't much fight in her voice though. Her fear over touching hadn't disappeared completely, it was just her fear of touching James that had dematerialised. He reached out and grabbed her other hand - his movements still slow and cautious as to not panic her - then he placed her hand on the back of his neck, putting his then empty hand onto her waist.

"Neither could I, until I danced with a really good dance partner. Luckily for you, I'm practically a professional," he declared, the 'Addy smile' back on his face, beaming better than ever. They started to move side to side in a more rhythmic way, following the tune of the music, not bothering to do anything fancier like some of the other dancers and simply sticking to the basics.

They danced in that one spot, being friends whilst the rest of the room looked at them believing the pair to be so much more.

"How are you feeling now?" He asked, voice low.

She looked up to him, meeting his blue eyes without feeling anything other than a slight flush. "Yeah… I can't feel anything but you right now." The flush turned into a full body blush as she realised what she'd said, Addy didn't try to fix her words though, what she'd said had been the truth. All she could feel was his touch, burning her flesh in the most pleasurable way she'd ever experienced, not too tight and not too soft. And on the inside, she felt the pulsing satisfaction of safety and trust.

"And that's good, right?" He questioned, just to make sure.

A small laugh passed through her lips, a much more beautiful sound than Martha Tilton singing 'Exactly Like You'. "Yeah. It's good. Really good."

"Good."

"Yeah, good."

Addy realised than that during the dance her arm had wrapped securely around his neck and his arm had done the same around her waist, pulling her so close to the point where their chests were touching. How had she not noticed? Normally such a thing would have caused alarm bells to ring in her head, yet with him, the movement had been… natural. The next thing she noticed was that they were staring at each other in an odd way, he was looking at her as though he was holding a part of himself back, and she knew she was looking at him the same way because she could feel her own body battling against her neck which was trying to push her head forward, closer to his.

Her thoughts were transfixed on his lips, how pink they were, and how they had a quirk at each side of them which turned them upward even when he wasn't smiling. They were surrounded by a shadow of stubble, one he clearly had to shave away almost every morning. She wondered what he'd look like if he grew a beard. She wondered what it would be like to kiss him, with and without a beard.

Addy knew she shouldn't. She knew that the thought of kissing him should make her body crumble in on itself and a few screams instinctively perch themselves on her tongue. But none of that happened. So perhaps that was a sign? She wanted it to be a sign. She wanted to kiss him.

And he was leaning closer to her, not fighting his body against the motion as much as she was. His inability to do so weakened her resolve even more and the next thing she knew their noses were touching. Their bodies were still swaying and he was so close and he smelt of what Christmas should be, joy. His lips would taste like joy too, she could deduce that easily.

They were so close. So close.

"Hey guys, can we just go, please? She's started kissing him now and I really don't want to watch that." Steve popped up at their side out of nowhere, his eyes fixed on the meant-to-be date who was in a similar position to what Addy and Bucky had been before he turned up. Because his eyes had been on the couple across the room, they knew that Steve hadn't seen how close they had been. Had, being the operative word because as soon as he'd appeared they'd split apart and stopped dancing. Their hands were still linked together though.

"Uh, sure, buddy," Bucky responded, having to clear his throat and scratch his hands through his hair to try and suppress the desire that had built up in those short seconds.

"Would you like to go to the roof?" Addy offered, trying to move on as quickly as possible from what had almost happened, mostly because she didn't want to deal with her own mind scourning her for allowing someone to get so close to her, to her heart, when she'd already promised herself she would never allow such a thing to happen to herself.

Steve looked at them both questionably, making Bucky release a sound of realisation. "Oh right, Steve hasn't been there yet," he explained to Addy before turning back to Steve, "you'll love it there, it's where we hung out as kids."

"Is there alcohol there?" The blond wasn't really a heavy drinker, but with another Christmas coming up where he knew he'd be alone, Steve had decided he really needed something to pick up his spirit.

"I always have a bottle of emergency whiskey," Addy replied in a more serious manner than was required.

"Addy, I like you more and more every day."

* * *

 **A/N: Ever get so ill that you can't even feel your own body? That's me right now, which is why it took me so long to read through chapter five. Sorry if there are still a bunch of spelling mistakes and stuffs, I'm dying, have pity on me. In other news, I got a job? Which is exciting and kind of terrifying? I was hoping to finish Part One of this before I start my job but boi it isn't looking that way. I also want to start a Aquaman fanfiction which is weird considering, y'know, I'm an avid hater of DC. But then like, I kind of enjoyed Aquaman? And Jason Momoa kind of does things to me? Then again last week I wanted to write a fanfiction for My Hero Academia so I'm probably just going through phases and I need to stop and concentrate on my boi Bucky. I'm talking loads of bollocks so I'm just gonna reply to some reviews, shut up and then return to my bed where I shall become a burrito until this disease leaves my body.**

 **To LilyRose25, glad to hear it, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was one of my favourites to write tbh**

 **To OfSeashellsandStars, oh my god I love that movie, I should have totally had Bucky and Addy serenade one another, what an opportunity I have missed!**

 **To LoveFiction2019, happy to hear**

 **To Assbitch67, red string is cute, I love the red string, red string for the win. And no the vase isn't about Artemis, it's meaning is a lil closer to home (and by home I mean this story). And bish ain't no one replacing you, you're impossible to replace, you're my Mexican Twin and soulmate best friend, it's literally impossible to replace you lol.**

 **To xxxRena, ah I'm so happy to hear that you think they're cute! I'm sorry that you had to wait so long for an update tho, my bad.**

 **And a big thankoo to everyone that simply read the chapter!**


	8. Chapter Six

**CHAPTER SIX**

* * *

"'But people are oceans,' she shrugged, 'you cannot know them by their surface.'"

― **Beau Taplin**

* * *

 **June, 1940**

* * *

Together, Addy and Bucky climbed the stairs of her apartment building, for once not aiming to reach the rooftop. They'd been out the entire night and both of them just wanted to go home and sleep, but of course, Bucky had insisted on taking her home before departing himself.

She was dressed in a casual flowery dress and he was in a secondhand suit that was a little bit too big for his body. They'd had to dress in a posh manner as the restaurant they'd gone to was the expensive kind, made up of marble and gold and snobs. The effort had all been made for Steve's latest date who came from the Upper East Side in Manhattan. That was the reason they gave themselves for going to the restaurant, so they could be there to support their friend, it definitely wasn't so the pair would be able to go on a not-date with one another, so they could play pretend at being nothing more than friends.

It had been a good night, for them. The food had been grand even though the pair had had to share a meal because of the price, the beef wellington had thankfully been delicious enough to compensate. Steve and his date, Fanny, didn't have as much of an enjoyable time, eating quietly whilst Bucky and Addy were constantly making jokes and laughing with one another, on the odd occasion sharing a few words, no more than ten at most.

The strawberry blonde had started to come out of her shell ever since Christmas the year prior. She'd found it a lot easier being around groups of people because all she'd had to do was hone in on Bucky's soul and she'd immediately feel every storm inside of her calm, it had become so familiar to her that she'd be able to find him in any room. Another change in her was that she wasn't adversed to physical touches from those she could trust, there was still the instinctual fear whenever she saw someone move towards her, but she'd always push past it and allow them to touch her. It was only ever simple touches, like hand holding or hugs, but it was more than she'd ever allowed people for the first eighteen years of her life.

"So, who have you got next on your list?" Addy interrogated as they climbed the stairs, doing her best to hide how out of breath she had quickly become.

Bucky chuckled, "I haven't got a list." Addy doubted what he'd said as the brunet seemed to be getting his friend a new date every week, and they were always women who could never click with Steve, which is what led her to believe he was simply picking from a list, perhaps even just pulling a name out of a hat.

What she didn't know was that, as miserable as Steve was, he was helping as much as he could to go on the dates all so that Bucky and Addy could go on one as well without Addy having the overwhelming pressure that would stifle her if Bucky were to ask her on an actual date. The two best firends had decided (or, Bucky had decided, Steve was mostly just being dragged into it) on Christmas to wait until Addy was ready to ask him out on a date, even though by then the date would be their hundredth because of Bucky's plottings.

"And don't lose hope yet," he added, "Fanny is exactly what Steve needs, she's someone who likes to be taken care of."

"Okay, no, I completely disagree with you on that," the strawberry blonde countered whilst pausing on the staircase and Bucky copied her movements, his back against the wall whilst hers was being pushed into the bannister. They were stood close together, chest to chest, and Addy couldn't help but be hyper-aware of it. Not because of any fear or anxiety, but because it was _him_. Addy cleared her throat, trying to concentrate on what she'd been trying to say before and not the way Bucky was looking at her with a small smile and one cocky eyebrow raised. "Steve needs someone who can look after themself, someone strong, and - though I know he'd never admit this part - he needs someone who can look after _him_."

"Not at all, he wants to feel like the man of the house, not as a kid like the world treats him," he argued, crossing his arms and making the space on the stairs even tighter. Addy didn't argue against his point because there was some truth in his statement, Steve was sick and tired of being seen as weak. But that was only just the surface, and Addy was cursed with the ability to see everyone's depths.

"Want to bet on it?" She challenged and Bucky snorted, having to turn his head to the side as he was unable to look at her for too long as she displayed such a playfully roguish sparkle in her expression, that impish glint in her eyes always like staring at a forest under the cover of midnight. "I bet you a bottle of whiskey that Steve ends up dating a strong, independent, empowered, woman," she listed, offering out her hand to James for him to shake. He looked from her hand to her, his confident expression telling her that he believed he'd already won. And then he shook her hand, making her own grin widened because for once she was just as buoyant and self-assured as James, meaning that she was very excited to taste the whiskey he was going to buy her.

She turned her head to look at what floor they were on, soon realising that they had another treacherous four to climb before they got to her floor. She exhaled heavily, legs already feeling the strain of doing all that climbing despite the fact that she'd been walking up and down the same amount of stairs for the past five years.

"Speaking of whiskey," the strawberry blonde remarked as she started to climb up the stairs once more, "you want a glass?"

"Do you even have to ask?" He replied, and his words had some truth to them because every single time before when he had walked her home, he would stop inside of her apartment to have a small glass of whiskey. Sometimes it would take him hours to finish the single glass, other times at most it would last ten minutes. Considering how tired the both of them were, Addy wasn't expecting the drink to last any longer than five minutes.

That estimation soon changed when they reached the door to her apartment, finding it slightly ajar with splintered wood scattered around the floor. The pair looked at one another, Bucky's demeanour completely changed from the merry, always smiling, Meatball that she was used to. He was completely serious, his body straight and strict, making him look more godly than ordinarily human. He looked powerful and domineering, and it was strange seeing him as such for Addy. She could feel the volcanic protectiveness bubbling inside of his heart as his fingers brushed her arm when he tried to push her behind him so he could stand in the way of any danger.

Addy had a problem with that though, making it very clear as she wrapped both of her hands around his arm, forcing him to turn back and see her wide-eyed stare and passionate shake of her head. The strawberry blonde was trying to wordlessly beg him to not go inside the broken-into apartment. She didn't want him to get hurt and she doubted her own ability to be able to protect him, which made her feel a spark of frustration towards herself.

He just tugged his arm free, telling her with his expression that he would be fine, but that only enraged her further. All she wanted was for him to be able to feel the worry inside of her, not to cause him any pain, just to make him understand. Understand the thoughts like violent winds pulling the leaves from her branches until she was bare and vulnerable. Understand the blackness seeping from the apartment that came accompanied by a stifling sensation that numbed her bones and slurred her mind.

She knew exactly who had broken into her home, but she could not bring herself to say a word.

Despite all of Addy's efforts, Bucky still wandered inside the apartment in front of her, giving the strawberry blonde no opportunity to pull him as far away as possible so neither of them would have to deal with the monster inside, so instead, she reluctantly followed behind him.

The signs of a break-in didn't end with the broken door. On the inside of her apartment, in the hallway that led to the other rooms, a potted plant was discarded on the floor with the vase it had once been in smashed to pieces and scattered across the floor. It didn't seem like much of a loss as the entrance hallway was decorated by plenty of other plants. James was feeling a small amount of regret over buying Addy so many flowers as it had all helped her to turn the cheap apartment into a miniature jungle. It was even more inconvenient as he tried to walk through the apartment without making any sound because the leaves rustled obnoxiously loud against his clothes as he walked down the hallway, unable to avoid them.

They slowly moved into the living room/kitchen that belonged in the first door in the hallway, the other doors holding her bathroom and her bedroom. The living room was just as bad as the hallway, holding large plants and small plants, bright plants and dull plants, a couch, table and bookshelf nestling in the spaces of the jungle. Addy reached over behind James to turn on the light, illuminating the two rooms that were conjoined. The kitchen had a bit more room in it despite just being a small corner of the large room. It harboured everything she'd need, a cooker, a fridge and plenty of storage which included both cupboards and shelves. The shelves at the side of the sink and above the hob ad a different kind of plant life of them, filled completely by different spices and herbs.

Nothing inside of the room seemed out of the ordinary, nothing except for the body laid out limply on the floor. "What the hell?" James whispered, taking one step closer so he could focus his bewildered stare on the body that looked very much dead on the floor.

Addy didn't have any reservations with walking closer to the body, the dirty blonde hair that had been lamely straightened were as familiar to her as her own messy hair. The sickly skinny figure was the form her nightmares had always taken up and in its boney hands was an empty bottle of red wine, the contents of it spilt on her carpet. "James," she sighed, walking over to the body and turning it around so the face of the monster was revealed, "meet my mother."

"Bucky. And what?" His tone turned even harder as he stared daggers at the body, no longer worried about whether they were dead or not as guttural snores were escaping its throat.

"Looks like Giovanni finally got some sense and left her," the strawberry blonde observed, using her logic to make such an assumption because the only time her mother ever did return was when she had no else to put up with all of her… personality. Sighing, she turned back to Bucky, "you best go, there's no need for you to deal with her as well, she's clearly drunk as won't be any fun at all." Addy tried her best to sound nonchalant but there was a clear difference from how she'd been speaking earlier when laughing with him to the wavering tone to her voice as she asked him to leave.

"Absolutely not," he immediately denied her request, not even having to think over what he wanted to do.

"James-"

"I'll leave when you start calling me Bucky," he bargained, one eyebrow raised and of course Addy could only receive his stare quietly, unable to tell him that she would make such a change as it was secretly her only protection against him. "Exactly," he cheered, ignoring the way Addy was frowning at him, "besides, I'm never going to leave you alone with her, not after everything you've told me about her."

Telling him about her mother had been easy, they were just stories that she'd had time to accept were her reality and had actually happened to her. Stories were things she could warp as well, things she could change around so he wouldn't have to hear her mother lying about how _she_ was the cruel one. If he were to experience her than things would be different, he might actually believe all of her lies like all the other adults did when she was young. It had taken her a good amount of time before she was able to feel like it wasn't her fault, and sometimes feeling that felt like one large lie she was telling herself. She didn't want to have to feel that doubt around James, Addy had quite enjoyed feeling a newfound confidence in herself every time she was around the brunette.

Bucky could see that she was still feeling reservations, his attempt at bargaining too joking at first to encourage her to let him stay. His shoulders slumped, the brunette doing his best to wipe away all of his rages towards the mother and all of his jestering side which he usually brought out to cheer her up, leaving behind only his most genuine side. "Please just let me stay Addy," he tried once more, voice as soft as a cloud, eyes a pool of calm, "I can help."

She looked back down at her unconscious mother, staring at her for only a moment before closing her eyes shut tightly. Addy didn't want him to stay, didn't want to risk it, but if she pushed him away than that would be a fracture in a friendship she felt was as grand as any stone statue. Hurting Bucky wasn't something she could ever do. And if the strawberry blonde was being honest, she wouldn't have minded having someone there to help her. He got her through the night shifts, maybe he could get her through seeing her mother again. But, Addy wasn't honest, not with herself, so she concluded that she'd let him stay because it didn't seem like her mother would be waking up anytime soon. "Fine."

The brunette made a sound of celebration but he stopped half way through when she glared at him for making too much noise. He stretched his lips downward in a guilty frown, the funny face managing to bring forth a small smile from Addy which was his biggest victory that night. She stood up from beside her slumbering mother, grabbing his hand and pulling him back into the kitchen, when she dropped his hand he didn't know what to do so he just stood there patiently as she grabbed three jars and one plant pot from her shelf and putting them against the collection of mugs she had set out across one of the counters. They'd once been on the shelves, but then she'd started collecting herbs and growing her own and of course the plants took priority.

"You see these jars, put a teaspoon of these three in this strainer, with a small handful of these. Mix them in with hot water from this kettle into this mug," as she spoke she grabbed a hold of a silver kettle and filled it with water from the tap, turning the hob on easily as it was close by. Once she had the kettle boiling, she turned back to face Bucky, "let it sit for about a minute, got it?" He didn't speak, too busy keeping all of her instructions repeating in his head, so instead he just saluted her.

"What are you doing?" He asked as she went into one of the cupboards and pulled out a tea towel with a fetching polka dot pattern on it, the colour didn't match anything else in the kitchen. There was something beautifully chaotic about how she decorated her apartment, everything seemed to be a different colour and the only thing that did match was all the green from the plants, that added some order to the space.

The kettle began to screech and as soon as it started to make a sound Addy immediately pulled it from the hob, wanting to keep all noise levels down as much as she could. It was like being a kid again for her, tip toeing around and making slow movements so no sound would be made that would wake the monster up from its slumber. Once the kettle was off the hob she poured the warm water over the cloth, knowing that it wouldn't scald her because the kettle hadn't been on long enough. "I'm coating this towel in hot water and I'll put it on her head," Addy answered, her voice remaining below a whisper, "my mother's clearly been outside for a while and she isn't wearing a coat so this will help warm her up, as will the tea, and the herbs you're mixing together will help with her headache and her immune system so she hopefully won't get a cold."

"A headache?" He muttered, having to stand close to her as he spoke in order to ensure she could actually hear him. He didn't mind it so much, and she didn't really notice it.

She wasn't stood beside him for long anyway as she moved over to her mother's side once more after ringing the cloth into the sink. "I can sense that she's drunk," Addy replied simply, still feeling slightly uncomfortable with talking about her 'sense' in front of James, mostly because she felt like she sounded slightly crazy. It was hard to feel like anything else when even she couldn't understand what was happening inside of her head.

"What does that feel like?" Bucky concentrated on filling the strainer with the herbs Addy had pointed out, pretending like that was what his fixation was mostly on rather than his curiosity over the strawberry blonde's ability, a fixation that only grew larger every time she avoided the subject.

Addy continued to play with the cloth in her hand, staring down at her mother but not really seeing the monster as she created a positive and negative list in her head on telling James the details of her sense. In the end, she trusted him, she said that all the time and she needed to follow through with that by telling him the finer details. "Like…" Saying that she was going to tell him was easier than actually telling him, she found. It was a struggle finding what the right words would be, because the way things felt weren't logical, not something everyone could actually feel. "Like I'm in a fog, a really thick fog that's filling my lungs and slowing down my thoughts, making me incapable of moving and figuring out how to escape."

"That sounds horrible," he sympathised from his spot in the kitchen.

She shrugged her shoulders, "that was my childhood."

"I'm so sorry, Addy." Again James' voice had been rid of any jokes or anger, leaving behind a genuineness that shivered her bones in the most wonderful of ways.

"You're not the one who needs to apologise," she responded grimly, beginning to dab the cloth onto her mother's head, able to feel the frost radiating from her mother's skin though she wasn't sure if that was her mother's actual skin or the sense she was being given.

James looked down at the mug, trying to keep his thoughts quiet despite how high they were all yelling in his mind. He'd always been protective, it started with Steve and anyone who dared to bully him, Bucky would always step up to protect his friend even if it meant earning a black eye for it. Bucky wanted to do the same with Addy, he wanted to keep her safe from the monster that was laid unconscious on her floor, but Addy wouldn't let him. He was taking what he could, the strawberry blonde had allowed him to stay and that meant he could at least be there for her during the difficult times and assure that the monster didn't try anything funny. Until then, he was there to be her friend, not her guardian. "So, how do you know these herbs will work?"

"Research and experimentation," she explained, smiling fondly because exploring the different thing plants could do had been some of the happier moments in her childhood. The feeling of successfully combining something were the first times Addy was able to feel proud of herself. "Once you figure out what the herbs do, then you can figure out what they can do together."

The brunette stuck out his lips and nodded approvingly towards the mug of water he was fusing with the tea, "I don't mean for this to sound offensive, but sometimes I forget how smart you really are."

Addy let out a chuckle at James' comment, not used to being praised so much and immediately moving to say something pessimistic without even realising how self-destructive such a comment was to her pretty much nonexistent. "That's because everyone sees me as a waitress," she winked over at him, lifting her shoulder lazily as she laid the towel flat over the centre of her mother's head after dabbing different spots beforehand to warm her up, "which is fine."

"No, it's not, don't you ever want to do something more?" James had been waiting a while to ask her that question but he'd never found the right time, but it had only taken him a month to realise how smart Addy actually was. She read a lot of books and experimented with all sorts of things: plants, electronics, health, etc. Addy was a smart dame, and that barely got any recognition.

The strawberry blonde opened her mouth to respond - though it was mostly just a joke and not an actual comment over her job choices - but she was interrupted by the body beneath her hand beginning to stir, a groggy sound passing their lips as they raised a hand and touched the wet cloth on top of their head. The monster was awake.

The next thing Addy knew her mother had opened her grey eyes, spotted her, and then pushed out her hand to slap against her daughters skin. The hand struck her cheek cruelly, a loud sound consuming the room, the pain bursting through her cheek faster than the actual noise. Addy fell back meagerly onto the floor, laid on her hands and knees, trying to understand what had just happened. It shouldn't have been a shock, her mother hit her all the time without needing a reason.

Bucky had reacted quicker than the strawberry blonde, discarding his tea and rushing over to stand at her side, quickly wrapping his hands under her armpits and picking her up off the floor, dragging her away from her mother before the monster could lash out towards his doll anymore. He repeated what he'd done before they went into the apartment, pushing her behind him so that the monster couldn't reach her.

It had surprised Addy, and the mother was apparently shocked by all the movement happening around her as well, jumping up onto her feet and searching around her until she spied upon the familiar unorganised curls belonging to her daughter. Once she'd located her daughter, her eyes turned razor-edged. " _Adelaine_ ," the monster hissed, using the name like it was the cruellest of curse words.

Addy just observed her mother from behind James, trying to find anything about her that might be different. She should have been able to tell from the fact that her mother had broken into her apartment whilst very much inebriated. But instead all she paid attention to was the sense of molton anger seeping from her every pore, it was lava that her mother would wrap around the world if she could, a hatred toward every person instead of someone specific. Her mother was still a skeleton, her entire body sharp, like knives were protruding her skin at every angle. She was still dangerous, still angry, and Addy knew she was still the only person that her mother was able to take all that anger out on.

"What am I doing here?" Her mother questioned, an accusatory tone following her words.

"You broke in here, don't you remember?" Addy provided her mother with an answer, her voice all soft and gentle which had Bucky's body tensing more than it already had because the monster in front of him didn't deserve such a careful response, not after slapping her and using her name as a scornful term. Addy deserved better, and the one thing he hated most was that the strawberry blonde's mother was clearly blind to that fact.

"Where's my Giovanni?" The mother continued to question, not feeling any requirement to answer her daughter's question.

Addy's eyebrows drew together, "I don't know." She'd stopped bothering with asking her mother for answers, having learnt quickly that her mother wasn't in the mood to do so.

"Oh, right," her mother mumbled, looking away from Addy and beginning to stare at the floor with the same bitterness she'd been aiming at her daughter, "he left me." The mother had just confirmed what Addy and Bucky had already guessed, neither of them feeling any sort of sympathy towards the monster who stumbled backwards, only managing to stand straight for a minute.

"I'm sorry." No, she wasn't, but Addy felt a requirement to say it and Bucky could tell that was the only reason she'd said it because of the emotional detachment in her voice.

All of a sudden the monster began to sob, not even beginning to cry, just reaching a hand up and wiping at her eyes whilst unusual sounds from the back of her throat. "He told me I was spoiled goods," she professed in an ear-aching whine, her words lengthened out as she sniffled, "he called me old and a waste of air, a drunk." Her eyes snapped back up to her daughter, "it's all your fault."

"What?" The question came from Bucky, his eyes bleeding as much hatred as her mothers.

It didn't even seem to register to the monster that it wasn't actually her daughter that had spoken as she raised up a hand still clutching the bottle of red wine, pointing one finger towards the strawberry blonde but it swirled in a circular formation as though her mother was doing her best to aim it and having no look. "If I hadn't of given birth to you snivelling _ungrateful_ children, then I would be perfect. Everyone would want me. It's all your fault!"

The finger she'd been pointing towards Addy coiled around the bottle and the monster took one stumbling foot forward, Bucky immediately raised up both of his arms, one protectively going around Addy whilst the others was held up in a 'stop' motion in front of the mother. "You will not take another step towards her," he explained, not demanding, not asking, he was _telling_ her.

That was when Addy's mother finally seemed to notice the third presence in the room, her eyes finally floating up towards the large brunette, her head beginning to lul from side to side as she struggled to actually keep her eyes focused on him. "And who are you supposed to be?"

Addy stepped forward then, not surpassing James but being sure that her mother's focus went onto her. "He's just a friend, mother," she answered, taking over in order to ensure that her mother wouldn't get any closer to her friend. She never wanted Bucky and her mother to meet one another, to know each other by name, the idea was breeding a new sort of terror in her which palpated faster and louder than any other, even more than her fear of the dark.

"Ha!" Her mother sounded boisterously, loud enough to disturb the walls of Addy's neighbours. "A friend?! I know what type of woman you are Adelaine, you act shy and perfect but I know the truth, and soon he will too."

"You don't know anything about her." Bucky breathed harshly as he spoke, trying to exhale all of the anger burning white-hot inside his veins.

"James, please," Addy attempted, reaching out and pressing her hand against his arm in an attempt to soothe him. She knew he liked touch and that it didn't panic him as much as it did to her.

He immediately turned around to face her, not throwing her hand away but staring at her in such a disapproving way that she felt the need to pull her hand away. "You might be okay letting her talk to you like that but I'm not," he told her, voice raising an octave. She knew he wouldn't hurt her, logic and their past experiences told her that he wouldn't hurt her, but her body refused to accept that and she instinctively took a step away from him. Guilt flew across his expression, an apologetic stare touching her heart but it was forced away when her mother released another hollow sob, reminding them both of her presence. She watched as his protective vexation overflowed through him, pushing out anything else he could feel towards Addy and replacing it with the only one emotion he harboured for her monster of a mother. He turned back to face the greying woman. "You have no right to speak to her like that, she's not the one collapsing on floors that don't belong to her, drunk and _alone_."

The last word he'd used had been far too close to home, at least in the monsters mind. "What have you told him about me?" She didn't even look to make Bucky answer for his crimes, instead she turned back to her daughter and chose to target her instead. "I bet you've only ever told him horrible things, you were always trying to turn people against me. Why do you hate me so much Adelaine? What have I ever done to you?"

"Do you want the list?" Bucky scoffed, knowing full well that all he'd ever heard from Addy was the filtered version of her past, the things Addy didn't even realise were cruel. He remembered in particular one story about her mother judging her hair, she'd said that her mother was just taking care of her appearance, but the monster had done so by calling her disgusting and cutting off most of what she had. All her mother had done was make her doubt her appearance, and it was clear from the way Addy behaved that, that wasn't the only thing her mother had made Addy doubt.

A moment of silence passed as Addy's mother took in the bold comment, not use to ever having someone speak to her in such a way. She was clearly offended, but Bucky didn't care, he wanted Addy's mother to feel hurt, to feel a single ounce of the kind of pain she'd caused the strawberry blonde as a child.

"Get out." The monster mumbled the words below her breath, the sort of quietness only Addy knew was dangerous, like the calm before the kind of storm that would destroy entire cities. Seconds later, Bucky saw that too. "Get out! Both of you!" The monster roared openly, grabbing the closest plant pot and throwing it down in front of Bucky's feet. It would have hit him had Addy not guessed what was about to happen and pulled him away before it could touch him.

"This is Addy's apartment!" Bucky yelled back, not afraid, and that was even scarier for Addy to see because it was _new_. She'd never seen someone stand up against her mother, always afraid of hurting a woman, seeing the monster as frail. She didn't know how it would end, and she was scared that her mother would do something to James half as bad as the things she would sometimes be a victim too.

"James, don't," she pleaded.

He looked back to her, appalled, but it still wasn't something aimed towards her, it was all for the mother that had broken the strawberry blonde so badly that she would simply stand and take abuse. He'd always seen Addy as strong, knowing from day one the sort of things she'd lived through. She'd always been a complicated, beautiful, mess, of muscles holding the worlds weight and skin so smooth that tears rolled off of her like pearls over marvel. She was a quiet mystery, made up of destroyed family portraits, the broken glass a loud crunch in his ears whenever he saw her clenching her fists in the dark or when strangers came too close to touching her. She was a system of failing organs and collapsing worlds in a galaxy of purple that reminded him too much of the bruises he'd get after stupid fights, only they weren't stupid fights for her, they were the beliefs and promises of her mother, the rawest form of education. She was a complicated, beautiful, mess, that walked and thought like a queen, ambition in every step, jewels glistening in her bright green pools. She broke his heart every time he saw her, but he also made it beat with a life humans could only wish to bear.

But in that moment, he was seeing the prisoner locked away in a dungeon of her own making, he could see her heart that broke itself fifty times a day. He could see the damage the monster that was her mother had left her, the only heirloom Addy ever got to keep. And it made him furious, so mad he was blinded by it. He had been ever since Addy's mother awoke, turning from some lost cause limp on the floor into a volcano of monstrous intent, a volcano that persisted on exploding despite years having passed since its first eruption.

Addy's mother continued to scream, waving her arms, disregarding the empty bottle of red wine as well, destroying everything she could and the strawberry blonde knew that it wouldn't be long before she ran out of things to break and tried to hurt the two people in the room with her so she continued to tug Bucky back, pulling him all the way back into the hallway.

"What? You can't be serious," he spoke through his teeth, feeling like his attempt at getting through to her was as useless as digging through a pile of dirt from below the ground with just his hands.

"She's just drunk and she doesn't fully understand what is going on, it really is best if we go, so just go home James, please," she reasoned, her words a jumbled mess falling from her lips like leaves fell from tree tops in the autumn. It was nature for her, to defend her mother, to do whatever her mother said.

"And where will you go?" He questioned back in response. He'd initially asked it as a way to get her to see why it would be dumb to do as her mother was demanding, but when she looked to the floor, looking like a hopeless puppy that had just been stood on, his heart ached for her and only her, reminding him that his priority in that moment was her, not the rampaging monster in the room next to them. "You can stay at mine tonight, go pack a bag."

Addy opened her mouth to forms the word 'no', but she realised that James' home was the best offer she'd be able to get, her only other choice being a hotel and she didn't really have the money for that, nor did she like the idea of being alone at night after what had happened with her mother. "Okay… fine. But please wait outside, I don't want anymore arguments." That wasn't true, she just didn't want James to be around her mother anymore. When he made no move to leave she decided to add to her previous statement, "I'll be okay, this isn't my first rodeo."

Bucky tutted, showing his disapproval but Addy was already well aware of it. In her mind she didn't have any other choice though, she had to put up with her mother but Bucky didn't and Bucky was someone she wanted to keep in her life for as long as she possibly could. Thankfully the brunette clamped his mouth shut, despite having plenty more to say, and followed Addy's orders, leaving through the front door but taking his time as he did so.

Addy didn't make any movements until he was gone, and once she was sure that he was safe from her mother, she ventured further down the hallway into her bedroom. The strawberry blonde grabbed the largest bag she owned and packed it with all the things she could think of. Clothes, a toothbrush, Bartholomew. She drowned out her other and concentrated on filling up her bag and getting out of her apartment, getting away from her mother.

By the time she was done and ready to leave, her mother had gone silent. The silence was always the worst to Addy, forcing her to be even more careful and quiet with her movements as she tiptoed down her hallway towards the front door.

"You know he'll leave eventually," her mother muttered once Addy was in front of the doorway to her living room/kitchen. The strawberry blonde turned to face her, looking like a deer caught by headlights belonging to a deadly, humongous, lorry. Her mother had returned to the couch she'd been found unconscious in front of, hunchbacked and holding the bottle of whiskey Addy had been planning on sharing with James. "He'll leave you and you'll feel lost without him, you'll feel like the Earth itself has disappeared and you're just stranded in space, you can't breathe and you are so _fucking_ cold."

"How do you know?" She regretted it the moment the question escaped her lips, because she was giving more trust into a woman who had done nothing but lie to her. But it was her mother, and for some reason, Addy would always believe whatever she'd told her, it was the reason Addy was the way she was.

The monster formed some sort of grin, baring her yellowed teeth as she raised up the bottle of whiskey and taking four large gulps from it, immediately cringing afterwards at the taste which was so much fouler than the red wine she was used to. It didn't stop her from eventually giving her daughter the answer she was waiting for: "Because they always leave."

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 **A/N: I don't have the time to read through and correct everything and I did my best but I'm still sorry for any mistakes! I'm trying to write as many chapters as I can whilst I have the free time now that I'm not as ill. I start work on Monday which is terrifying and I probably won't get much writing done the first week just cause i want to concentrate on my new job. I've written three new chapters in the past two days and I'm almost done with part one. I thought I'd treat y'all to an upload whilst I can!**

 **To LoveFiction2019, thank ya**

 **To Assbitch67, honestly Steve is quite a bother during part one so just prepare yourself now okay? Okay. And thanks, it took a week and I'm still coughing but I can think enough to write chapters and that's all I really need lol. Hope you're doing well!**

 **And a big thanks to everyone that read the chapter. I was just wondering if y'all could leave me a review telling me what you think so far? I'm going to be starting on Part Two so knowing what everyone likes and what everyone dislikes would be super helpful, y'know? Pleases and thank yous!**


	9. Chapter Seven

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

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"Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes all you need is one."

― **Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer**

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' _Because they always leave in the end_.' That was what Addy's mother had stated. Those words had followed the strawberry blonde as she walked to James' apartment, repeating in hushed whispers inside her mind over and over and over, everytime she looked towards James. They stained her mind worse than the red wine stained carpet that was stretched across her childhood memories, deepening in it's liquorice shade as Addy was able to apply more and more logical reasoning to the statement.

All of her mother's 'soulmates' had realised the monsters faults and run away as fast as they could, that included Addy's father as well. That wasn't the only proof on her list. The one thing that backed up the monsters words and made the theory even more infallible, was the fact that the monster herself - Addy's mother, the one person who was meant to take care of her and _love_ her - had left the strawberry blonde without feeling even a speck of guilt weighing down on her shoulder.

It was down to those critical abandonings she'd experienced that she knew exactly what her mother was talking about. The hollow feeling immigrating to the mind and soul, building an infrastructure of doubt and stuffing all of her organs, making them as useless as they would be in the barren space on the doorstep of Earth where there was no oxygen to keep her breathing and no heat to keep her warm, nothing to keep her living. It was loneliness, the deadly kind, which was something Addy didn't need to know from her ability existed as at the age of three she'd already experienced its punishments.

Of course, Addy did her best to try and forget her mother's words, tried to stop them from seeping beneath her skin like everything else her mother said had managed to do in the past, but it was becoming increasingly impossible as all the new thoughts mixed together with the old ones (all those repetitive thoughts she had about James probably wanting to be rid of her after realising the trouble her mother could be, and as a result, how troublesome she could be), they stirred together in a witches cauldron and became a curse that forced Addy to think of nothing else but all the empty space she'd notice if James really did leave her. It was breaking her heart, but Addy didn't even know what upset her more, the thought of James leaving her, or the fact that she'd become so comfortable with his presence that she couldn't imagine a reality without him.

When she'd eventually left her apartment - departing after her mother shared those final words of wisdom - Bucky had immediately checked how she was. He checked for any sign of abuse other than the red handprint flushing the pale white skin on her cheek and then after Addy had assured him well over twenty times that she really was okay, the gentlemen grabbed her bag and led her to his apartment.

The care that Bucky had administered (the way he'd taken a hold of her jaw in such a gentle manner, how he'd turned her head and analysed every bit of skin with a determination and a look on his face like if he did find any sign of damage on her than he'd destroy the entire building beside them) had been nice, but strange. As foreign to Addy as a plague would be to a human body. It had been a nice distraction at first, but James' mood had turned even more sour as they walked to his apartment in silence. She could sense it coming from him, it was so cold that it burnt her skin and she dared touch him in that moment out of fear that her fingertips would pay for the interaction.

It didn't affect her as much, being able to feel his rage, what made her feel deeply irritated was the fact that she couldn't read his _thoughts_. There was no way for her to see the tapestry in his mind and figure out who the anger was aimed at. Though she refused the notion of him being angry enough to hurt her every time it sang, it was still there, festering in the back of her mind, acting as a muzzle that kept her quiet all the way to his apartment.

Once they got in the building his footsteps up the winding staircase were loud, drum beats that had her heart hammering along with them. They got to his apartment in a matter of seconds he'd rushed up the stairs so fast, a man on a mission, and his mission was revealed as soon as he'd pushed his door open and stepped inside. "D'ya want a drink?" The words came out muffled as he'd said them so fast, already grabbing two glasses and a bottle of whiskey from his cupboard. Addy shook her head, but he hadn't seen it, or he just refused to acknowledge it, and poured a second drink anyway.

Addy looked around the apartment quickly, familiarising herself with the room once more. There was no hallway for Bucky's apartment and it was a lot more spacious, having a large living room which featured mundane coloured furniture that showed he didn't care much for decorating and concentrated only on making the room acceptable. The kitchen was connected but a bar disconnected the two rooms. There were two doors attached to the living room on the left side, one for his bedroom that she'd never entered before, and one for his bathroom. It was simple, it didn't need to be anything more as Bucky was rarely inside of it anymore between work and spending time with Steve or Addy (which the strawberry blonde hoped didn't count as work).

He slid the glass closer to her on the counter top, immediately drinking out of his own with brash motions. Addy stepped away and went further into the living room, moving beside the couch and observing him. She swallowed down the lump that had appeared in her throat, knowing that the silence was only making him angrier as his thoughts were given permission to grow, it was something the strawberry blonde was actually very familiar with as it was the same move her anxiety would make. "Are… Are you okay?" Her words had come out quietly but thanks to the simmering silence they were still pretty clear for him to hear.

He began to shake his head, staring off at the wall as though he was offended by something, Addy didn't feel like it was what she'd said though. His anger was an arrow being shot through the sky, only having one particular target and his actions before when he'd checked to make sure she hadn't been hurt anymore by her mother suggested that it wasn't she who he was scorning in his mind but something, or someone, else. "I should be asking you that," James eventually responded, his teeth gritted tightly as he spoke.

"I'm fine." He looked over at her disbelievingly, almost over-pouring his second glass of whiskey because he'd stopped paying attention in order to ensure that Addy knew his view on the words she'd said. "This happens every few months," she continued to explain, "one guy leaves her, she gets drunk, and then she gets back to business. I have no doubt that in a couple of hours she'll be at a bar, finding another imbecile who'll want to give her a life of luxury for a couple of months before she becomes too much."

"It's still not okay, it's not _fine_." He slammed his glass down onto the table, making Addy visibly jump from her spot leaning against his couch, her bag still in her hands. The brunet seemed to calm down after seeing her reaction, his hold on the whiskey bottle loosening and instead he rested it on top of the counter, pushing all his weight onto his hands and staring down at the wooden surface as though he'd be able to burn through it. "The things she did, the way she behaved… ha… I'm honestly lost for words."

"I don't understand," Addy confessed, her words slightly mumbled as apprehension buzzed around her, the overwhelming sense that she was about to poke a bear with a stick. "I've told you what she's like before, maybe not in horrific detail but I thought you'd gotten the general gist."

"Just hearing about something compared to seeing it happen are very different experiences, Addy." He explained for her, gruffly, and though she still wasn't a huge fan of his behaviour Addy was at least able to conclude from his words that he truly wasn't feeling all of the hatred towards her (if only she could convince her paranoia of that too). James continued to rage, spitting out his feelings venomously, "the things she did to you in that room, the way she spoke and behaved, they were _disgusting_. That's why I'm so mad, I'm absolutely furious, absolutely revolted by that monster and her actions. No one should be allowed to treat you that way, to just hit you without a single care."

"Oh." That was the only reaction that first came to her head, mostly because that was actually the first time anyone had witnessed her mother hitting her. The monster had made a mistake, too drunk to notice that there had been another person in the room. When she was younger Addy had tried telling other people about her mother's behaviour and the abuse she received, but because of the facade her mother portrayed to everyone it was impossible for them to connect the wonderful, proper, lady with the monster Addy got to see. Eventually the strawberry blonde had just accepted that no one would believe her, yet standing in front of her then was a man that, not only believed her, but vehemently despised her mother. It left her speechless, no words planned for such an occasion. So she went with the truth. "I… I don't know what to say, James."

"How about you call me by my name properly for once?" He requested from her, leaning his head to the side so that he could engage her fully. Though his body had remained rigid and tight, his expression did soften when he looked at her. Addy excused it as him not wanting to scare her off, whilst Bucky gave no excuse to the action, it always just automatically happened around her.

Biting down anxiously on to her bottom lip, she mumbled her answer whilst chewing on the chapped skin, "I'd rather not."

"Why?" James turned his entire body around to face her, done with downing the burning alcohol in the hopes that it would douse the wildfire in his chest.

As he began to take tentative steps towards her, Addy felt her heart hammer against her ribcage, as though it were trying to break free and run away. The strawberry blonde stood her ground, knowing that trying to run away from James was as effective as trying to cut down a tree with a spoon. No, she was done running away from him, many times had Addy thought about what the outcome of her life would be if Bucky hadn't persisted they form a friendship. She'd certainly have still been inside her apartment with her mother that day if that was the case, enduring abuse she wouldn't even know was incredibly unnecessary. She'd still only be familiar with her mother's cruel touch, she still wouldn't have anyone to trust, anyone to talk to about the secrets she kept hidden on the dark side of her heart.

"It keeps me safe."

"You think I'm a danger to you?" He asked, surprised mostly by the fact that she'd actually given him a proper reason for why she called him James. She was surprised too, but not nearly as much as the brunet because she'd come to recognise that being around her friend always pulled out new and intriguing parts of herself, parts that usually turned out to be the best side of her.

Her head teetered to the side, the small declining shake of her head only made clear by the way her dramatic curls danced side to side on top of her head. "I think getting too close to you is dangerous."

The realisation dawned on him like the sun itself had crashed through his floorboards. Despite the fact that they both recognised each other as close friends, _best friends_ , by calling him James she was setting some distance between them. He'd told her when they first met that the people close to him called him Bucky, that was clearly what had inspired her to use 'James' as a boundary, as a wall to stand between them. Even after all the progress they had made, all the hurdles Addy had to jump over in order to move past her anxiety, that wall, his damn name, was still there, preventing their worlds from finally colliding.

"You must be pretty terrified right now, then," he commented, acknowledging that it wasn't the best response he could have given, but the two full glasses of alcohol had rusted his verbal filter considerably. Besides, Addy would have had to be blind and stupid to not see how big of a deal her sleeping at his was, not just because society would condemn them for it, but also because it was very different to the comfortable traditions they'd set.

"I am, I feel like I can't breathe," she revealed, hands tightening across the handles of her bag, "but it's not you, it's me." Bucky released a short chuckle and Addy couldn't help but laugh as well, rolling her eyes at her own words. "I know, such a cliche, but that doesn't stop it from being true. I wish I could understand it myself, understand what I'm terrified of, I can understand pretty much everything, everyone's feelings and their reasons, every machine, evey plant, but the one thing I'm incapable of understanding, or comprehending, is… me." Her words had become distant and her eyes had fallen to the floor as she began to try and find logic for some of her behaviours but, as per usual, there were no answers to be found, or, there were answers but they just weren't as logical as the strawberry blonde required.

"I mean, after tonight I have a pretty good idea why some of your quirks exist," he snorted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Oh?" Though it had been a simple sound, the tone Addy had used implied that she wanted Bucky to expand on his comment.

The brunet immediately blanched, not actually having meant anything by his words, certainly not having expected to explain what he'd meant, it was just meant to be a general comment on Addy's mother and the effect the woman must have had on the strawberry blonde. He waved one of his hands in her direction. "I'm not a brain doctor or anything, so-"

"No, please," she interrupted, "maybe you can shed a light on something."

He exhaled a heavy breath, still reluctant despite feeling weakened by her widened green eyes. Because, in truth, he _had_ thought a lot over her quirks and where they'd originated from. He'd had to when first devising his plan to get Addy to spend time with him and had taken them into account when pondering the effectiveness of his plan. He actually had quite a lot to say on the subject.

"Your mother," he began, letting out his words slowly so he had enough time to carefully think through what he would say next, internally praying that the alcohol he could feel making his skin buzz and his mind hazy didn't make him say anything that could be taken offensively, "that _monster_ , blamed you for things you had no control over for pretty much all of your life, leading you to feel at fault for anything bad that happens to the people you know." He suddenly let out a laugh though it was vacant of any joy. "I remember once I walking into a stool at Rendez-vous and for some reason, you started apologising, that's when I first noticed this. You apologise for most things to be honest. So, you harboured guilt as a child for things you didn't need to, and that never left, it grew with you, meaning it got larger and more overpowering. That counts with a lot of other things as well. Your fear of touch grew from being hit by your mother to just general touch. Your fear - or denial - of love grew from a fear of men your mother would bring home and how she'd have relationships, into a fear of love altogether, not just a few select people."

Bucky had to stop himself from talking before he said too much and delved too deep, it was clear he'd already given her plenty to think about. Her eyes were stuck to the floor, which wasn't exactly unusual, but it was the frown on her lips which made clear the unsavoury thoughts going through her mind.

What Addy had managed to gather was that things were far more hopeless than even her depression addled mind had been able to guess. Every part of her was literally broken and there was nothing she'd be able to do to fix it. There was no cure for what had simply become a part of her personality. The funniest thing Addy found amongst her clawing thoughts was the blame she was setting on her shoulders over every fault she possessed, practically jumping to her mother's defence by refusing the fact that her mother's actions were to blame.

"It's sad really," she whispered to no one in particular.

"Yes, but not in the way you're implying, Addy," he countered, moving to stand closer, wanting to do more than just stand near her but he knew that when she was feeling frail it was safer for her to avoid all touch. " _It is sad_ that a child had to grow up with that sort of influence, _it is sad_ that it's left you with nothing but all these fears of things that are actually pretty wonderful when you give them a chance. But you, you're not sad, or pathetic, Addy, you're pretty amazing."

"James-"

The brunet stunted her speech by taking another step closer towards her, reaching out with his hand and gracing the skin on her arms with the gentle presence of his fingertips. "You're still here Addy," he said with earnest, "you let me hold your hand, you go out into public with me, you've built a beautiful home and you are one of the smartest people I've ever met. You're not just your fears, you're a beautiful, strong, woman. Give yourself more credit."

"I- I, I don't know if I can." Something broke inside of her as she confessed that, maybe it was because the statement made her feel even weaker. She was so broken to the point where her own hands were crumbling beneath the pressure of trying to keep herself together. She couldn't even do that anymore. She couldn't even lie to him and make him believe that she was in some ways okay.

"That's not your fault either," he rebuttled, his fingers disappearing and being replaced by his large strong arms. She didn't return the hug, but she allowed him to hold her in such an intimate way, at least she could hide her pouting lips and wet eyes with her face hidden beneath his chin. His hand began to give attention to her back, stroking down her spine repeatedly, shivers erupting through her body that Bucky mistook as a reaction to the sorrow wriggling through her bones. "It's okay Addy. You know, people recover from traumas in many different ways, some are able to get over it quickly, others pretend it never happened, some people hurt themselves and ingest alcohol, and others… they're just coping. It's a constant battle, day after day, they can't run away from it, but that is exactly what makes them so strong, because not only have they survived the initial fight but they're still going through the war, that takes more courage than most men have. I think that's what you're doing Addy, and words can't even begin to describe how proud I am of you."

"I thought you said you weren't a 'brain doctor'," she quipped, hoping the joke would disguise her sniffles. Addy felt overwhelmed in possibly the nicest way ever by Bucky's supportive and understanding words. Bucky laughed as well, only a tiny bit flustered by how far he'd gone with his words but those feelings had always been harboured in his heart, it was what enamoured him so much about the strawberry blonde, her strength. Addy pulled away from him, still snickering as she slyly tried to wipe away all of her stray tears. "God," the strawberry blonde huffed, "this night had turned out so much more embarrassing than I thought it would."

"You don't need to feel ashamed," he countered.

She shrugged, a slight lift to the corner of her lips, "I guess now you know why I'm not the sort of person anyone should date."

"No, you're the kind of person people should marry."

Addy's eyes flew up to meet Bucky and despite the fact that even he hadn't been prepared for the statement, he'd said it and meant it, so he decided in the spur of the moment to meet her gaze with a look of resilience.

Addy was the first to back down. "I'll, uh, take that drink now," she mumbled, shuffling past him and moving to the kitchen where her full glass was waiting. She swiftly took from the glass a very needy gulp.

Bucky approached her once more but he stopped when he reached the counter, allowing it to stand between them. "I'm sorry," he apologised, not for the words he'd said though, "I know sometimes I can push you past your limit."

Addy took another sip before placing the glass down on the table, letting her fingers tap nonchalantly against the item as she spoke, "it's okay, I wouldn't be here with you right now if you never pushed me, sometimes I really need it."

"So you're aware of it then," he remarked, pointing towards her and pondering if that meant she'd been able to see through some of his and Alice's plots, specifically his ploy to get her on many dates with him.

"Yeah," she shrugged lazily, "I suppose it's one of those things we can add to my list of- what did you call them earlier, quirks was it?" It made her like Bucky even more that that was how he chose to see people's flaws, that was clear by the smile she failed to hide as she finished off the rest of her drink. Somehow Addy was able to be casual with him even after what he'd said, no discomfort had stunned her, his confession inspiring no wound like her anxiety had always told her it would. Instead, she felt a summers warmth unfolding her, bringing peace and fulfilment.

"I have quirks too," he noted, as though that was supposed to be some sort of comfort to her.

"Oh please," she scoffed, "we all know you're pretty much perfect. Handsome, constantly happy, confident, kind, a cheeky smile… stop me at any point here." The strawberry blonde realised that she'd made the same mistake Bucky had earlier, saying far too much.

Her blunder was evidenced when she eyed him from her peripheral and saw the aforementioned cheeky smile of his beaming brighter than any star and any sun. "You think I'm handsome?"

The strawberry blonde rolled her eyes, "I think I've made a mistake and just boosted an ego that is already way too large."

"Can you 'sense' ego's?" He abruptly questioned, leaning even closer to her out of genuine curiosity.

Addy actually quite enjoyed when he asked her questions on her sense, it gave her the opportunity to share something she'd had no choice to keep secret, and it showed that he wasn't scared of her strangeness every time he did ask her a question. Every time she would give him an honest and clear answer, but that time an amusing plot sparkled in her mind, it seemed that James' boyish smile had inspired her. "Oh yes," she eventually replied, doing her best to keep her curling smile hidden, "they appear in the form of a person's head size and, I have to say, you have one of the biggest heads I've ever seen, it barely fits in the room right now, I've just perfected the task of looking at someone where their eyes are supposed to be, I seem to be doing quite well with you."

"Really?" He gaped, raising a hand and beginning to touch the side of his face.

"No, of course not," she revealed as a burst of laughter escaped her belly, her smile wide and looking perfect on her round face. "I can often sense a person's confidence and like everything else, when there's too much of it, it can get overwhelming for me, but ego's aren't really an emotion or an intention. So you don't have to worry about your head size." She'd managed to get out a serious answer though it had been quite difficult as the laughter continued to spew out of her, James had joined in with her laughter but it was shorter and quieter, more relief than amusement.

"I'm always worrying about my head size," he commented quietly, his smile widening into a Cheshire cat grin that had Addy becoming suspicious, though after investigating the comment she wasn't able to understand what cheeky hidden meaning had driven the smile on his face. James was quick to move on, hoping to get past the comment before Addy could realise what he'd meant, it was insulting for her that he'd said such a thing without any thought, the alcohol definitely meddling with his brain. "But anyway, as I said before, I have quite a lot of quirks and that makes me very far from perfect. I'm brash, I don't fully think through all of my actions, when I like someone I give them my entire heart… and I also say the wrong things, a lot of times."

"You're a meatball," she shrugged, "it's what makes you so charming, most of the time."

"And you're a doll," he winked over towards her and she snorted as she raised the glass to her lips, raising her eyes to the roof and looking away from him in the hopes that maybe her movements would distract him from the puce shade spreading over her cheeks. "So, how long do you think your mother's going to be sticking around?"

"It depends on the man she meets, if he's from the city than she'll go live with him and try to infiltrate in my life again, the only reason she does it is because she's jealous of Alice though. If he's not from around here, then she won't be sticking around all that long." That was what history had taught her, the events having repeated themselves many times in her past. "I'd say she'll be staying over at mine for the next week at most."

"Well, you can stay here until then," James responded simply.

"N-"

"No arguing, just let me do this favour," he'd planned the words before he'd even told her that she could stay, well aware of her habit of arguing against every kind offer he made her because of some sort of diseased mindset that told her she was inconvenient to everyone she interacted with. Really, he was more upset with the fact that he couldn't let her stay in his apartment forever. "If I could, I'd make sure your mother didn't know where you lived and stop her from ever stepping foot near you again. I'd buy you a new house, with a big library so you can read all those encyclopedias and fact books, a garden for you to grow all sorts of plants in, it'd be somewhere where you can be safe and happy."

"Why?" The question fell off the tip of her tongue without warning, her curiosity beating her emotions before her anxiety could hold the words hostage like it had done with many things before. Specifically all questions on what had happened during their Christmas dance, it seemed the both of them had simply refused to acknowledge it though.

Addy was wrong, even with a brain like hers, love was her one weakness and what Bucky harboured for her was very close to that emotion, and he'd thought over the almost kiss many times, working out whether it was a figment of his imagination or actually _something_. "Because I care about you, Addy. A lot."

She didn't know how to respond to that, but she could see the implications in his words. It didn't strike her as much as it might have the first time they met, the knowledge that she was most likely one of those girls he was giving his heart to stopping her from doing so. She was actually quite grateful for the way he felt towards her (his openness about his adoration for her a swift sword that cut apart some of the demons that told her she was worthless to everyone), but words were still hard to form between the butterflies in her stomach and the frantic alarms ringing in her mind. Actions were easier to do, and somehow the perfect idea popped into her head after hearing him confess his feelings.

There was no chance Addy would be able to respond with the same thing, Bucky had figured that out from her response when he'd asked her to call him by his name. The strawberry blonde was keeping her distance from him emotionally. Which is what made her next action even more shocking.

Because despite her words and some of the things she implied, Addy was very much attached to James, more than was safe for her which is why she point blank refused to acknowledge its existence. She couldn't imagine a reality without him, or she could, but she didn't want to. She wanted to be with him and have him in her life for as long as she lived. He'd become more than a friend, more than a shoulder to lean against in frail times, more than a rock to hold her up from the ground. He was so much more, but Addy had yet to understand that there was really anything more than that. After all, she didn't believe in the existence of love, and that was exactly what Bucky had managed to become, without either of them being aware.

She reached down to grab at the hem of her red and white dress, another simple outfit with a floral pattern, but it also had red rims across the skirt and sleeves, making it very easy for her to pick at using her nails and tear away a long piece of ruby red string.

The strawberry blonde wandered mutely to Bucky and grabbed a hold of his hand, beginning to twirl one end of the piece of string around his pinky, repeating the motion around her own finger until they were officially connected by the small piece of red string.

Bucky stared at it for a moment, astonished by what she'd done, wondering if she even understands what it meant to him. He realised that there was no possible way for her to not know the implications, that he'd been quite clear when telling her the story of the red strings and that they meant two people were soulmates. After that, he couldn't have stopped himself from hugging her even if he'd wanted to, which he most definitely didn't.

Their hand that was tied together remained lifted in the air as he wound his other arm around her waist and pulled her briskly against his chest, placing his head onto her shoulder, not concerned by the fact that she was tense at first because like every other time they'd hugged (it had only been done twice before) she melted like an ice cube in a few seconds, filling the spaces in his body perfectly. That's what he liked most about her. She was the right height for him, the right shape, fitting together into his body like a puzzle piece.

"Thank you for everything you've done for me Bucky, I know I can't give you much but I promise I'll try to be better, for you and myself. That doesn't mean I'll ever be able to… you know, love you. I… I wish I could though. If I could pick anyone, I'd pick you."

"That's okay, I can wait for you."

Though he'd said it jokingly, his words had caused her heart to stop abruptly and she broke the hug so that she could look at him panicked. "I can't ask you to do that, James."

His response back came slowly as he'd first thought about telling her that he hadn't meant anything by it, but then he realised that in truth he had. He really would wait for her, it's what he'd technically been doing and his spirit for the task hadn't seemed to dissipate even after the year and a bit that they'd known one another. He'd meant it when he said he cared about her, and now that he knew she also cared for him deeply, it had steeled his resolve even further. It wasn't a helpless battle, they'd made progress, the string around his finger was proof of that, proof that she was getting more comfortable with the idea. It was proof of their future together. "You didn't ask," Bucky told her, "I offered."

* * *

 **October, 2017**

* * *

Bucky was kneeled on the floor beside his home, hand outstretched as a goat ate from it. The one-armed giant was uncharacteristically quiet, simply staring at the forest path that days later he had travelled down in order to reach Addy. He hadn't heard anything more from her in his mind, and though he'd been living in silence for a few months in his little hut in the Wakandan forest, it was suddenly _insufferable_. There wasn't much he could do though. He had no leads, no memories that could help him in figuring out where she was. All he could do was leave it up to Shuri to do some research and hopefully return with a location.

Luckily for him, that help was arriving that day in that particular moment, Shuri and T'Challa appearing in a break through the trees, their sudden appearance scaring the goat and causing it to canter away. Bucky rose to his feet, knowing that the goat would return the next day for food (and if he didnt then the one-armed giant had no issue with having to search him out in the woods during his next walk). "I hope you're bringing good news," he said in greeting.

Their expressions gave away their answer, bringing no smiles, just a tablet which Shuri held to her chest. T'Challa walked ahead of his sister, arms behind his back. "We're bringing news," he responded.

"This is a file of all I could find on Addy," Shuri explained, handing over the tablet to Bucky, beginning to slide over the information for him seeing as he didn't have an extra hand to do so himself, "her birthday, her family, I was a bit surprised to find out that she's related to the Starks."

His body stilled at that news, memories returning of his final moments before being put in the ice in Wakanda, of having to fight off Tony and Amelia Stark who seemed hell-bent to kill him after finding out that he'd killed their parents. "What?" He was hoping that perhaps Shuri would tell him that she was a cousin or something to the Starks, but as she flipped to the next page of information on her tablet and showed the picture of Addy's family, he knew he had a problem.

"Her sister is Maria Stark, formerly known as Maria Collins Carbonell," T'Challa broke the news as gently as he could, knowing that the information would be hard for Bucky to hear. He was still working on forgiving himself for the acts of the Winter Soldier, and this news was no doubt going to make him take ten steps back after only managing to take one step towards becoming the person he wanted to be. The Winter Soldier had killed Maria and Howard Stark long ago, murdered them with his own hands, and though Bucky thought he couldn't suffer any more guilt, now he was learning that he'd killed the sister of the woman he loved. There were truly no limits to how much of a monster the Winter Soldier could be.

"I… She never let me meet the rest of her family after her mother," he whispered, giving the two an explanation for why he hadn't realised what he'd done. T'Challa and Shuri said nothing, neither of them knowing what they could possibly say in response to his conundrum. Shuri felt even more guilt as she turned to the next page on the tablet, knowing what awaited him. She waited patiently as his eyes scanned through the words, his face falling even more before he dropped the tablet down to his side and looked to both of them for more information. "Wait a minute, it says here that she went missing?"

"There's no information about her death at all, just that she disappeared one day and was never seen again. She was pronounced dead by Colonel Chester Phillips, I'm sorry Bucky." It had been difficult finding anything about her that didn't come from her birth certificate and passport, Shuri had thought that there would be plenty of information found in the Captain America museum but Steve never mentioned her at all, for a few days Shuri had wondered if the strawberry blonde was even real. After some more digging and going through World War II journals that people had put on the internet she did manage to find some recounts of the surprisingly intelligent and equally as strange Adelaine Carbonell, things had gotten easier from there and it led her to finding Colonel Chester Phillips few reports on the woman. And among all that information, she found something very intriguing which answered the question of who Addy was to Bucky. "I also found out that she was very close to you, it's never stated that you were boyfriend and girlfriend but…"

"She was the love of my life," he responded, despondently looking back down to the tablet and reading through the information collated together, there wasn't anything though, just that she'd gone missing and was never seen by anyone ever again. Abruptly he looked up, an idea turning on more than the light filling his eyes once more but also a wisp of hope in his heart. "What about Steve? He was around after I fell off the train, possibly around when she went missing, he might know something?"

Once again, Shuri's expression gave him an answer before she had to speak, it was the expression he imagined a person would make when they knew they were about to kick a puppy whilst not wanting to. "I'm sorry Bucky, but Steve has gone missing."

"What?" He'd prepared himself for some bad news, but he didn't think it could possibly be _that bad_. Steve? Missing? Those words didn't make sense to him, his friend was always around somewhere either causing trouble or getting into trouble.

Shuri nodded to back up what she'd said, following up the action with a regretful explanation, "after you were put in the ice he left with Natasha and some of the other Avengers, creating a team that worked to help people under the radar, but Steve was struggling with some things and in the end he left the team as well. Nobody knows where he is."

Bucky lowered himself to the floor, putting his head in his hands as the weight of the world fell down on him. He'd thought he'd already lost everything, but now his two caretakers - the people stopping him from becoming a murderous robot empty of feelings of guilt - were telling him that not only was his soulmate gone forever, but the only person who could help him, his best friend, was also gone. He felt empty, hollow… without a purpose anymore.

It was a pitiful sight, the large man who looked like he could snap a wrestlers neck with a simple twist of his hand collapsed on the ground with his head lowered, being cradled by hands that were coated in invisible red. His back began to shake, a sign that sobs were fighting for release inside of him and a speckle of the pain he was enduring touched both of T'Challa's and Shuri's hearts, the spark a catalyst for a flame of want, a desire to help heal his woes. Only one of them could help though.

"Perhaps not 'nobody', perhaps one person knows where Steve Rogers is." He spoke quietly, feeling a tightness of guilt douse the flame that had once burnt brightly in him as he realised that he'd betrayed Steve and therefore failed as a King at keeping a secret. He tried to justify it, believing that Steve wouldn't be all that upset if at least one person knew where he was, especially if it was Bucky.

"Have you been keeping secrets, brother?" Shuri turned to face T'Challa, both of her eyebrows resting at the top of her forehead. Meanwhile, Bucky had lifted his head from his hands, looking to the King with a desperation no man, not even a king loyal to his word, could resist.

* * *

 **A/N: Hello there! My first week of work went by so quickly and honestly I can't wait for the next one! I hope you've all been doing well and stuffs, with regards to my writing I've just been reading through my chapters but I plan on starting to write properly next week in my spare time, luckily I am twenty chapters ahead right now so there's no problem there.**

 **ALSO HAPPY BELATED VALENTINE'S DAY! This chapter would have been a great one to post on the day but sadly work got in the way, still though, we can enjoy it and all it's goodness today ^^**

 **To Cash1122, oh wow thank you so much, so many kind words! I'm sorry I can't upload everyday like I used to but I'm so happy to hear you like both Addy and Bucky's relationship AND Lil' Steve, it's strange writing him without Addy, I can't wait until like part four which will include her because it SHOULD be about Infinity War (unless I think up another part which is a possibility, part two might end up being split) but yeah, I'm glad to hear from you again and I hope you're doing well!**

 **To xxxRena, it's a good thing that you can't stand her mum, I'd be worried if you did. She doesn't feature much, but she will play an important role in part three (maybe)**

 **To LoveFiction2019, thank you! And yes, kind of with Winter Soldier, as you read from The Chaos in Stars Addy doesn't feature at all but she will have her own role to play, but not much. And no she won't be in Civil War because, again, in TCIS she didn't appear at all, it was during Civil War that Bucky started to actually remember her :)**

 **To Assbitch67, SAME! They're cute, especially in this chapter. And I mean, of course Addy is, she can see it ;) And thank you! I've had so much fun I'm actually quite surprised, I know it sounds boring but I just get this sort of flow going and time passes so quickly and I'm focused and yeah it's just sooooo good (For now, give me a month and I'm sure I'll find something to whine about lol)**

 **And a big thanks to everyone that simply read the chapter, have a WONDERFUL day!**


	10. Chapter Eight

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

* * *

"You and I are more than you and I because it's we."

― **E. E. Cummings**

* * *

 **January 1943**

* * *

War was on the doorstep, a constant threat looming in the shadows, something that everyone feared and most people wanted to stop. It had spread from Europe, taking over almost every existing country on the globe. The Germans were the cause, announcing their disagreement with the natural order of things by invading Poland. It didn't stop there, and it was up to countries like America to tell the Nazis 'no'. It inspired a lot of things. Hope, courage, and in Addy's mind, idiocy. Terror was another symptom, sweeping every street as a violent gust, reaching every corner, all except for Rendez-vous.

Over the years it had become a much more popular establishment, taking in more and more regular customers which wished to experience the ever expanding collection of alcohol, great food, enjoyable entertainment, and kind waitresses. Though, perhaps it wasn't the kindness of the waitresses that drove most of them to set foot in the bar. Gladys had been deemed most popular as she flirted with every soldier that came into the bar and claimed that she was simply thanking them all for the care they were giving to the country.

Addy wasn't as loveable, her behaviour towards all the rowdy soldiers that came in was decent and nothing more. She took their orders, served their drinks, but that was as much as she chose to engage with the groups of men that always became more extraverted when there was more of them around.

On that particular night, things didn't look any different, a new group of customers wandered in and found their seats nearest to the small stage that housed the female singer for the night. Their rude comments were instantaneous, aimed towards the entertainer and then onto the two barmaids working that night. Alice was helping out behind the bar as the night shift began and she'd remain there until things calmed down so she could ensure her employees didn't get overwhelmed. Gladys and Addy were the two employees that had to exit the bar and communicate with the patrons, making sure their drinks were refilled and that their souls were merry. Gladys took care of the latter, acting as a good enough camouflage for Addy so that she could collect their empty glasses and drink orders unnoticed.

Once she returned to the bar after collecting eight empty beer glasses, the strawberry blonde let out a tired sigh. Her night shift had only just begun, yet the loud and needy patrons were wearing her out almost immediately with their unnecessary comments and expressive movements.

"Don't let any of the customers see you making that face," Alice commented from beside her friend, taking the glasses off the side Addy had placed them on and beginning to wash them in a sink.

"What face?" Addy's eyebrows scrunched together as she questioned her boss, not realising that she'd naturally formed an expression that was very forthcoming about the way she felt towards the soldiers.

Alice pointed her hand over towards Addy's face, accidentally throwing soapy water across the strawberry blonde's upper half. "The 'I don't care if you're protecting our country and saving lives whilst putting yours at risk, that doesn't mean you can do whatever the hell you want'."

"I mean, it's not like my face is wrong," she defended, turning up her nose proudly whilst the scowl she'd been unaware of stretched even further.

Addy's views on the war differed from most others, mostly due to her background with unnecessary violence. That was how she viewed the current war, as unnecessary, as blind people fighting the blind. She hated war, able to sense the emotions and futures it bred and none of them nice. There was only a small amount of courage, overpowered instead by the desire to win _by any means necessary_. Even if it meant drowning Mother Earth in crimson waters.

And she could never understand exactly what they thought they were winning, the only result from the war that was logically possible was a death toll in the millions, how could any victory be worth that?

It was hard to share that view with others when the whole country was pulling together to assist in the war, the line between civilian and military blurring as everyone seemed to play some sort of roll. All around New York there were posters encouraging people to join the war, and on every street there seemed to be some sort of set up for people to sign-up and throw their lives away. The women weren't required as much for the army work, though Addy knew many who wished to help out as much as the men, but their work belonged in the city, doing everything that the soldiers who had gone away could no longer do. She supposed her job was a part of the war effort as well, unluckily for Addy, she just so happened to be in a profession that's latest goal was to keep the soldier's happy when they were on their home shores, even if it meant putting up with unruly behaviour.

She knew Alice was of a similar mind-set to the rest of the country as well, so it would have been a hopeless act to try and argue her own point of view. Meaning, when Alice continued to stare at her disapprovingly, Addy had no choice but to stretch out her lips and wipe away her frown. "Okay, fine, I'm sorry, I'll put on my best smile," she huffed as she widened her lips, baring her teeth in an odd show of joy that insinuated her mind wasn't completely put together.

"That's what you call your best smile? Where's the sparkle and the charm?" Gladys joined the two of them behind the bar, eyeing up the strawberry blonde like she was deranged. Addy certainly looked it.

Her smile fell flat, a bitter jealousy fouling her fake grin though she managed to disguise it as simple offence. "I must have left it at home," she quipped, sounding especially grumpy but neither Alice nor Gladys were offended by her tone of voice, they never were. She'd only just really started to come out of her shell with the pair. Bucky's effect on her having grown, his personality melding with hers, making her much more vibrant, her opinions no longer locked away in her very own Pandora's box, surrounded by chains. The chest was beginning to peak open, the true question was, was it a good thing or not? Addy was still working on figuring that out.

"You're a true dream to work with," Gladys joked, her comment accompanied by a much more alluring smile than the one Addy was able to configure, being utilised as a disguise for her passive aggressive comment. She gave a slight sniffle, absent-mindedly rubbing at her apron as she moved further away from the bar and closer to the back entrance, Addy remaining completely unaware of her co-worker's motives until she spoke. "I need to use the bathroom, can you give these drinks to that table over there, maybe leave your smile behind the bar when you do."

Of course, because Gladys was already at the door, leaving the bar, Addy was given no time to build up an argument before Gladys was out of sight. The strawberry blonde rolled her eyes at her co-worker's behaviour but didn't allow her displeased mind-set to get in the way of her grabbing a hold of the piece of paper her co-worker had left on top of a serving tray which listed all the drinks everyone wanted. Beers, of course, eight of them. Personally, Addy wasn't a huge fan of the drink, nor it's overwhelming stench, but it was something she'd had to get used to quickly considering the requirements of her career at the time. It only took her a few moments to get all the glasses prepared and ready, then she set off to the table, alone.

Of course, she made some precautions before approaching the table. She went through her usual ritual (created a year ago in order to keep herself calm and composed in stressful situations whenever Bucky wasn't around) of breathing in for four seconds, holding the air in her lungs for seven seconds before exhaling it through the stretch of eight seconds, repeating these actions three times or more as she'd learnt that it caused an autonomic nervous system shift from a sympathetic state to a parasympathetic response, meaning that the breathing exercise stopped her body from panicking and made her body and mind more soothed. That wasn't what really helped though, it was only the first step, the true cure to her anxiety was remembering James and the way she felt around him.

Always calm, always safe. Like not even God could touch her, certainly not a rampant group of mortal men. It wasn't just the assertion that Bucky would always protect her which blossomed the kind of courage a knight facing a dragon might need, it was also the sense he gave her that she had far more potential than she realised. He made her believe in herself and her own abilities. It was why she'd started to become so much more open with her co-workers. She still had a long way to go, but Addy knew it would have been an impossible stretch without James taking every step with her.

Keeping in mind that James believed in her so therefore she had to believe in herself, Addy filled the gap between where she was stood and the table full of rambunctious men, the strawberry blonde becoming immediately suffocated by what felt like hands roaming over every part of her, reaching underneath her clothes, wrapping around her throat. It appeared once everyone at the table turned to face her and eye her up. With shaking hands, she attempted to ignore all the attention being focused onto her whilst placing the drinks down on the two tables the soldiers had combined together. But those hands she felt over her body should have told her that they weren't going to let her get away that easily. "Oh, hello," one of the men closest to her greeted, "I haven't noticed you before."

"I, uh, I've got your drinks here." She felt like it would have been rude to not respond but she still didn't want to engage in a proper conversation with any of them, especially not the man at her side whose intentions were made very clear by the position his lips were resting in. She guessed it was supposed to be a smile meant for charming her but there was something wicked about the thin wiry line crooked on his oval face, the same way a barren tree at midnight loomed sinisterly outside a child's window.

"Aw, she's shy," the man beside her announced, bringing forth from the table a roar of condescending coos, the stranger proceeded to reach out a hand, wrapping his arm around her back so he could grab her waist tightly. The touch physically pained her, the groping motion like a jolt of electricity, far more tortuous than the exciting sparks which would flow through her body whenever James would touch her. The strawberry blonde had to bite down on her tongue to prevent the screeches begging to escape, her entire body going rigid and tense to stop her from lashing out at the customers. "There's no need to be shy around us, sweetheart," the stranger flirted and once more the table let out sounds of agreement.

"I'm not shy, I've just got other customers to see," Addy excused through gritted teeth, doing everything she could to keep her ardent emotions internal whilst also attempting to make her discomfort clear to them all. It felt like the line between being polite and being rude was invisible in that situation.

Her pushing him away only seemed to steel his determination more as his hand tightened around her waist, beginning to draw her even closer to his body, forcing Addy to hold onto the table so she wasn't tugged on to his lap. "Well, after you see to them how about you come back over here, I'd love to get to know you."

"Um, excuse me, can you please not do that?" Her words felt meagre, her voice barely loud enough to be heard over the music playing but it was like her anxiety was clutching her throat and squeezing it so tight barely anything could get out. She didn't know how to defend herself, as much as she wanted to.

Thankfully Addy didn't need to rise to the challenge in that moment, not then.

Something, or someone, took a hold of the hand still sealed around Addy's waist, breaking apart the locked grasp with ease before discarding the hand as though it held the same worth as a wet rag left to the wilderness, tainted by dirt and grime, it's use lost in the past. The strawberry blonde whipped her head around at the same time that the soldiers all turned, the nine people all moving in sync to stare at the new arrival. There were two differences between Addy and the soldiers, the first one being that Addy was looking to the man that had saved her with a gratefulness sparking in her eyes, unlike the hatred darkening the storm clouds in all the soldiers' eyes, and the second difference was that Addy was able to recognise the prince who had come to rescue her, the damsel in distress.

"Didn't your mother teach you how to respect a lady?" Bucky questioned the soldier who'd put his hand on his favourite strawberry blonde, all of his joking tone lost from his words as a storm, darker than any of the annoyance in the soldier's eyes, rumbled at the back of his throat, the thunder promising to bring with it lightning that would strike them all down.

"I don't think this conversation or what my Mama taught me is any of your business," the soldier spat back to Bucky, standing up and making the space even tighter for Addy.

Unconsciously Addy leaned closer to Bucky, welcoming his soft touch as he replaced the stranger's greedy clasp on her waist with a comforting hold of his own, acting as ice on a burn. It was so much better being able to feel his sense over simply imagining it. It overpowered every other sense because she allowed it to, refusing to acknowledge anything else. There was anger, of course, that was his present and though it did concern her, Addy always ended up searching for the one constant in the sense James gifted her. Even after knowing him for almost four years, it had remained, and she could never tell whether it came from his past, present or future. The strawberry blonde had long abandoned trying to figure it out, letting go of her desire to know everything for just a moment so she could experience untold warmth like the eternal flame all the God's hungered for. It was like a fullness, not just in her belly, but in every empty space both physically and metaphorically. It was euphoric, like the universe knitted into her bones and embers of galaxies transformed her irises into life. It was a connection deeper than any sense she'd felt before, like when connecting with him she found all the stardust remains that had gotten lost in her creation, perhaps if she wasn't blinded by the feeling of being _whole_ , she would have questioned why he acted as some sort of fitting puzzle piece to her heart, and perhaps she would have also noticed that what he was to her, _she was to him_.

James did a suggestive tug on her waist, requesting that she move to stand at his side rather than between the two squabbling men. He hadn't needed to ask, once she'd moved to stand beside him, the brunet began to speak again, words swimming in malice. "It was my business last night, tell your 'Mama' I said hello."

There had been many occurrences in her life where Addy had seen her mother moving to hit her but never reacted, somewhere along the line she had become placated with the beatings, simply accepting they would happen and succumbing to the fear of the unknown results of what would happen if she didn't fight back. Yet in that moment, as Bucky finished his words and the soldier registered what had been said, when the soldier's arm began to rise, there was no doubt in her mind that she needed to leap into action to protect her friend despite never even being able to protect herself in the past. Without even thinking about her movements she stepped in between the two men once more and stretched one hand out to place it against each of the opposing males' chests, not quite sure how she would fight against him if he made to attack.

"Wait, please," Addy sounded, her words coming out as uncomfortable as she felt. "He didn't mean anything by it, he's clearly had too much to drink. Speaking of which, how does a free round sound to all of you?" It was a simple maths sprinkled with a dash of hope, they all clearly enjoyed the beer and they were only on their second round when usually they stayed for ten, so it was likely the offer of alcohol would calm them down.

The soldier's stare was fixed on Bucky who met it unaffected, Addy was actually quite grateful for it as at least the attention was no longer on her. "We'll take the drinks and him being kicked out of here, we're soldiers, fighting for _your_ country, have more respect!" As the soldier shoved an arm into Bucky's chest the table let out another chorus of agreements, their mouths beginning to drip when Bucky responded by taking a step closer, ready to fight his opponent with all the confidence that he would win.

Addy turned back to face Bucky, pressing both of her hands against his chest to try and keep him from instigating some sort of fight that was far too much of a risk for the both of them, his life and her job both on the line (though of course one was deemed slightly more important). It was getting harder for Addy to keep a calm mind as panic slicked over her thoughts like oil. Her plan of free drinks hadn't worked and only encouraged more of the men to stand up and try to join the fight. There was no way Bucky would be able to combat all eight of the men even with her help. She had no fighting capabilities whatsoever. Things were starting to look grim as she was incapable of thinking up a plan and divorcing herself from her feelings which made it even more difficult for her to process her disarrayed thoughts.

"If we were kicking people out because of their behaviour, you guys would have been gone a long time ago." Their hero arrived with a skip in her step and a wave in her hips. "Luckily for you guys I like my men loud, now did my friend here say something about a free round? Why don't you go get that, Addy, and take your friend with you before any more fights occur?" Gladys looked over to the strawberry blonde and sent her a sour look which none of the patrons were able to see, showing that she didn't enjoy returning to such a mess when she'd left the customers in perfectly fine conditions. Addy returned the stare with an apologetic one, relieved that Gladys had stepped in when she did, saving her from having to watch as her best friend got beat up in an alleyway whilst she was too useless to do anything about it.

There was also anger. She tried to ignore it, but her perception on emotions was sometimes too clear so she felt the fizzle around her beating heart like simmering hot water. She shouldn't have been so defenceless, so useless, such a damn _coward_.

"Thanks," she mumbled to Gladys, not allowing even a second to pass before she'd grabbed a hold of the empty tray and Bucky's hand, making her way back to the bar. The strawberry blonde didn't even look at him until he was seated at the bar on the opposite side to her, his hands clasped together and his eyes cast downward, the grown man sat like a child waiting for punishment. "You're in big trouble," she commented as she slammed the first glass onto the tray, hard enough to make a sudden sound, gentle enough not to damage the glass.

Though he'd demonstrated guilt in his behaviour, Bucky tried to jump to his own defence, unclasping his hands and throwing them theatrically into the air, "how am I the one in trouble, I was just trying to protect you?"

Addy knew that fact so she was more lenient, unable to abandon her indignation completely as he'd cost her a lot of money. Of course _she_ would have to be the one paying for all the beers. "Oh, careful, you're starting to sound like one of those soldiers."

"Ha," Bucky laughed falsely, making a statement rather than releasing a joyous chuckle. From behind them the group of men began to laugh boisterously making Bucky turn his head and sharpen his eyes.

Addy noticed his movements and sighed, "they weren't any harm, I could sense it." But he didn't believe her, which made a lot of sense as she had been lying.

"Addy, I know your mother always-"

"This has nothing to do with her," the strawberry blonde responded bitterly, immediately knowing where her friend was going with that particular sentence, the brunet most likely about to bring up how she didn't have to put up with people's ridiculous behaviour towards her, but she didn't need to hear it. Addy was well aware of the fact that she shouldn't have to deal with abrasive behaviour aimed towards her, that all it would take was curled fingers and sharp words to fight back, but that knowledge didn't stop her body from freezing every time she could feel emotions in a room turning to anything other than the usual glee. It was tiring, always having to fight against her body's instinct, Addy had thought Bucky had learnt to understand that part of her.

He did most of the time, all the time really, but sometimes it became frustrating watching her be demeaned by her own hands when he practically prayed at her alter every night. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought her up," James apologised, the guilt returning as she smashed another glass down on the tray.

"It's not like she's some topic to be avoided either though," she said defensively, not wanting Bucky to feel like he had to step around her. Addy liked the comfortable spot they'd found themselves in and didn't want it to disappear. He was the only one she'd allowed to get so near to her and from doing so she'd received limitless results, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, the sense of being wanted, and the ability to return that. It had all helped her take steps towards becoming the person she wanted to be, no longer the tiny child in a tiny apartment packing a tiny bag, but a person with the ability to fit into a society that had always seemed so complicated. A person with the ability to have friends.

Bucky nodded in agreement with her, trying to recreate the safe space he'd created for her thus far by ridding his body of any signs of annoyance. It wasn't even her he was angered by, it was the soldiers, Addy's mother, all the men that had joined in with her mother's cruelties and anyone that turned a blind eye to the damage being done to her as a child. "Where is your mother now?" He asked, doing as Addy had suggested by staying on the topic of her mother whilst asking a question that wouldn't be too domineering for her to answer.

Gladys wandered over then, grabbing the tray Addy had filled with eight beers meant for the soldiers. She sent out another glare towards the pair for causing trouble where there was only supposed to be glee before retreating away. Bucky wasn't affected by the look, having figured out the waitress' distaste towards him early on in Addy's and his developing relationship. Of course, he hadn't been able to figure out the things Addy's sense had told her. Like how Gladys' dislike for the man came from a place of jealousy, the spoilt waitress angered by the fact that she wasn't the centre of attention to everyone in the bar anymore. Addy was only supposed to be in the background making her job easier, like a shadow.

Addy sent her co-worker another grateful smile though Gladys hadn't bothered looking back at her after sending a swift and effective glare Bucky's way. Once the waitress had made her next exit - returning to the table and immediately beginning to flirt with them all, choosing to stand closest to the one who had earlier grabbed at Addy - the strawberry blonde turned back to face her friend, sending him a lazy shrug. "Last I checked, in Europe with someone called Romeo."

He let out a laugh before speaking, and Addy knew exactly what he was going to say as it was a joke she'd already said to Alice when she found out, it was too easy of a joke _not_ to make. "Has she started calling herself Juliet yet?" He quipped proudly, believing himself to be original.

Addy tried her best not to roll her eyes too obtusely, "of course." It wasn't a lie as she was able to recall her mother's last postcard clearly:

 **Hello Adelaine, not that you ever ask, but I'm doing fine, Romeo is treating me well (I now have a beautiful diamond ring on my finger and a necklace to match) and he's taken to calling me his Juliet. I love him very much. From Mommy x**

The postcards were all the same, her mother showing off about her life and taking no interest in her daughter's, Addy had gotten into the routine of only ever skimming them before throwing them into the bin. If she bothered to give it all of her attention then Addy would only start taking more hurtful meaning from every word used, drawing conclusions from invisible connotations that her mother had never intended to create.

"She does know that the story ends in death, right?" Bucky continued to joke.

Addy cocked her head to the side and Bucky would have been lying if he said he was unaware of the movement, all of her quirks had been memorised by him including the way she'd always cock her head when she was trying to make a sarcastic statement. She was adorable. "I don't think she can read, to be honest."

"Well, everyone has their faults," Bucky noted.

"Some more than others," Addy made a little dig but it was made a little less harmful by the small smile contorting her lips, making her teeth appear.

He held up his hands, smiling back, "okay, look, I'm sorry, I'll give you the money back."

Noticing that Gladys was beginning to side-eye her, Addy took that as a sign that she needed to start doing more work and start doing less chatting with her best friend. Luckily for her, Alice had left some glasses to dry on the side so she grabbed a rag and began drying them manually. "You need to get the money first."

She expected him to return with some guilty response like he had after their fiftieth not-date when he'd been unable to pay for his own food and drink, saying then that he would pay her back as well but he'd been struggling to find a job that would last more than a few months so she hadn't actually expected him to. The not-dates had lessened since that moment as money was becoming more of a struggle to achieve for all three of their little posse, Addy was the only one lucky enough to have a secure job because the person who owned the bar was her best friend and pseudo-mother.

"Well, I just so happened to get employed the other day, I'm good for my money now," he announced, bouncing in his seat slightly as though he'd been waiting to let that information slip for quite a while and now that it was out in the open his excitement was only building.

The reveal had gained Addy's full attention for a short moment, her hand that was rubbing the side of a pint glass pausing as she looked to him raising both of her eyebrows. "What job is it?" The tone of her voice had been completely accidental, it had only meant to be an enquiry but all the words came out blistered with surprise and a little bit of disbelief.

"Well there's no need to say it like that, it's nothing shocking, I've had plenty of jobs." He fell back limply in his seat, his bottom lip escaping so he could send a pout her way that hit her bluntly in the heart, like a log battering ram into her chest.

"That's the thing James, you've had _plenty_ of jobs," she argued, not meaning to insult him further, only trying to justify her earlier incredulity. "So, what is it? Office? Bar? Garbage?"

"Field work," he answered plainly.

"Like, a farmer?" Addy continued to pursue and really the brunet shouldn't have been so surprised by her behaviour, he'd known her inability to not let things go when she was curious and seeking out the truth, her perseverance the most formidable thing about her, Bucky had simply hoped that for once she might not want to know something.

"I'm not here to talk about my job," he responded, having no other choice but to not-so-subtly change the subject in order to save the particular conversation of his new job for a later date. Her eyebrows set in a straight line as she became even more eager to find out the truth, but Bucky's behaviour changed too, he sat straighter in his seat and avoided her eyes, forcing a wide smile meant to disguise his fidgety disposition. "I'm here to tell you that I've found Steve another date."

"But he doesn't want a date, in fact, the last time we went on a date- I mean, he went on a date and we were also there, um, that last time, he yelled at you for making him go on another. All he wants right now is to go to war and fight and be an _idiot_." Addy's views on Steve had been like a rollercoaster, the two really could never get on like a house on fire but neither of them actually gave the friendship a chance. Steve was always being protective of Bucky, trying to make sure that Addy didn't break his already chipped heart, whilst Addy was just shy and didn't really know how to approach someone who gave off the sense that Steve did. He was kind, she knew that, but he always seemed to be holding a dagger and it always seemed to be pointed in her direction. Then when the war came about and the news of Steve's desperation to join the army and _do something_ came about, Addy's distaste for him grew, her mind unable to comprehend any reason why a person would want to go and join such a violent event. She also didn't like the idea of any of her friends joining the war, she didn't want Steve to go and waste his life, and she didn't want Bucky to go either, thankfully he'd showed no signs of wanting to join after she'd given him her explanation on why it was the stupidest possible thing a person could do (it was important to note though that after she had told him, the brunet had gone deadly silent).

"He doesn't want a date, but he seriously needs a date," Bucky argued back, ignoring her request to stop setting dates for Steve not for the first time. If he stopped setting up dates for his best friend then that would also mean no longer having the opportunity to go hang out with her in romantic settings.

She began to shake her head, looking down and deciding this conversation topic required a more serious mind-set so she put down her dry glass as well as the rag, resting both hands on the bar and staring deeply into Bucky's eyes. "You're really not listening James, what he needs is for you to stop meddling in his romantic life."

"Bucky," he corrected, "and come on Addy, I promise he'll like this one. She's a real spitfire this one, the exact same as Steve."

"That's not a good thing!" She immediately clamped her hand over her mouth, not meaning to raise her voice so much but thankfully Gladys and the soldiers were being so loud themselves that none of them seemed to notice her frustrated outburst. Lowering her voice to a quieter octave she started to speak once more, "you're supposed to be some sort of connoisseur of women, you should know better. Steve needs a woman that can stop him from making stupid decisions. Like how I do for you."

His heart fluttered as she recognised the benefit she did for him, normally her scarred self-esteem would cause her to believe that he only ever did things for her, so it was nice to see her identify something she did for him without him having to tell her whilst arguing against her aforementioned self-hatred. "Well, I think this girl is still worth a try," he nodded his head assertively with his words.

"Fine," she sighed, "but it's your funeral."

"You sure it's not _our_ funeral?" He leaned forward, finally revealing the purpose of his visit and he didn't look at all guilty for the way he'd curved the conversation to reach that particular point. When she stared at him blankly it only made his perseverance even more ferocious, he raised his hands once more, gesticulating as he provided his first argument that he'd of course prepared beforehand. Trying to go on not-dates with Addy had certainly helped him exercise his plotting abilities. "You've gone on every other date, why is this one any different?"

"Because I'm as tired as Steve is, we've been on hundreds by now and not one of them has stuck. Gladys still hasn't forgiven me for that night." A shiver shimmied down her entire body as she remembered that night which occurred exactly eleven months ago. She was surprised that Steve had even managed to forgive Bucky after the train wreck that was Gladys and Steve's first (and last) date, it had literally ended in a fire.

Bucky held out both palms in a stopping motion. "Okay, but, wouldn't you rather be there to make sure that this girl is actually a good match for Steve? Plus, it means you'll get to spend more time with me, huh? I know you couldn't possibly turn down that offer. What do you say?"

Addy had realised along the way that Bucky was pretty good at bargaining and arguing to get what he wanted, making winning a very difficult achievement. There wasn't much about Bucky that she disliked, but that was certainly one of the things on her list. Even if she did manage to make it through all of his points he'd prepared the night before, he'd end up just using the puppy-dog eyes and they made her even more weak than any debate he could bring up, it was what she liked to call his 'ultimate weapon', only ever to be used during emergencies. And as he'd made his points in that moment, she could see his blue eyes begin to widen and sparkle. He was persistent and cheeky, a very bad mix, the kind of overpowered mix that guaranteed victory, at least when facing Addy who constantly just wanted to make him happy.

"I say, that you're a meatball," it wasn't full surrender, she was far too proud of herself to do such a thing but the answer was still clear from her words. She'd given up the battle, placed her weapons down and kneeled on the floor, he was the winner.

"And you're an absolute doll!" He cheered, immediately leaning over the table to attach a peck on the top of her forehead. Both of them paused at the abrupt motion, the act (even though simple) had never been performed before for either of them, but it had been a burst of emotion that carried Bucky's body like torrential waves would, he'd really had no control over his actions. In his mind, the action was always something inevitable because he'd always wanted to do it, heck, he'd wanted to do a lot more than just kiss her on the forehead. And for Addy, she was surprised by it but not displeased. His touch had become less foreign to her. Every bit of contact still brought with it a burst of emotion like a newborn star created in her veins but it had stopped scaring her so much. There was the primal fear before any act, but enduring it always ended up being more different. She liked the small gesture.

But because of her body freezing and her brain trying to process what had happened step-by-step, Bucky wasn't able to read whether or not there had actually been any joy in what he'd did so he stumbled backwards into his seat, his hands falling awkwardly down into his lap so they weren't anywhere near Addy. "It's at the end of the week, and we'll be going to Stark's Expo which I think you'll actually really enjoy, it's got science and… stuff." He listed everything quickly, throwing things messily together in a string of words so they'd be able to move on swiftly.

"Sounds amazing," Addy responded, not really knowing what she was calling amazing as it was hard to tell what Bucky was pointing out as the most exciting part. She did like 'science and... stuff' though. "Alright, you sit and wait here whilst I go into the basement for a quick minute." Addy didn't actually have anything to do in the basement, she just needed to calm down her heart again so that she'd be able to talk to him without stumbling over her words, she figured James needed the same courtesy as well.

As the strawberry blonde turned and began to leave, Bucky looked down and laughed at his own behaviour, though it was always slightly cringe-inducing it was always amazing whenever Addy was able to make him so nervous, she was the only one who'd ever been able to do such a thing to his courageous exterior. It's why he was so sure in the following statement he made, one he couldn't resist saying despite her having already left to the back room: "I'll always wait for you."

As Addy began to step down into the basement she was met by Alice who was returning from changing a barrel beneath the bar. "Is Bucky here?" She asked, sure that she'd seen the familiar love-sick brunet wandering into the bar before she'd left to replace the barrel. Addy nodded, biting down on her lip as she was reminded of the kiss on the head she'd received from him. "Of course he is, I don't even need to ask do I?" Alice chuckled, referring to the fact that he was in the bar almost every night so that he could see Addy.

The strawberry blonde heard the suggestion in her friend's voice and immediately moved to dismiss it, "we're just friends Alice."

"Of course you are," she responded, her tone dismissing and the smile on her face a beacon of proof that she didn't believe Addy's words. The strawberry blonde sighed, pushing her way past her boss to get further into the basement where she could be alone for a few moments. It was hard for someone like her, someone who didn't believe in love and romance and the fluttering of hearts, to deal with the responses she always got whenever Bucky did things like that, because they always showed her she was _wrong_.

* * *

 **A/N: HELLO EVERYONE! I have good news, I should be starting to update twice a week now with the help of the AMAZING OfSeashellsandStars who has become my beta. I was aiming to update wednesday but work and sleep are things I sadly must do now. But yeah, the days I'm AIMING for are Wednesday's and Sunday's, so keep an eye out :)**

 **To LoveFiction2019, that's totally understandable though, there's a lot that goes on in TCIS, I can't even remember what part two was about ;)**

 **To Assbitch67, I KNOWWWWW I WANT TO WRITE THEM BEING FLUFFY BUT I CAAAAAAAAANNNN'T! DAMN PLOT! I miss Mia too, but hey, we've got like three months before she returns! ONLY THREE MONTHS!**

 **To OfSeashellsandStars, thank you for both your kind words and being hella helpful with beta-ing!**

 **And a big thank you to everyone that just read the chapter!**


	11. Chapter Nine

**CHAPTER NINE**

* * *

"With a secret like that, at some point the secret itself becomes irrelevant. The fact that you kept it does not."

― **Sara Gruen**

* * *

Bucky arrived at Addy's doorstep just as the sun began to set, knocking his fist on room 109's door whilst his other hand tightened slightly around the giant bouquet he had in his hand which covered his chest. His nerves were palpable, overflowing his veins so much that the brunet was sure that Addy was able to sense it the moment he entered the building. He tried not to let it show, tried to stay as confident as he normally was, but it was hard when he knew what the outcome of their evening was going to be, even without possessing Addy's abilities.

There was no reaction from behind the door so he knocked again, the second time he heard some sort of sound from inside the room but it was quite hard to discern. It was a single sound, something solid and heavy colliding with the ground. He called out the strawberry blonde's name and almost immediately he received some sort of reply, another strange concoction of noises, a string of groans and moans that immediately put Bucky on edge. He stepped even closer to the door, his chest pressing against the door, making more of the chipped cream paint fall onto the floor. He called for her once more but he earnt no response that time. "I'm coming in, okay?"

The man didn't wait around to get a reply that time, instead he opened up the door (happy to find that it was unlocked, unhappy about the rant he was going to have to give her later about her safety though) and rushed through the entrance hallway, finding that the leaves from some of the larger plants had decided to grow out into the pathway Addy had initially left for herself and guests, making it a little bit more challenging for him to simply charge through. He imagined that it was as challenging as a soldier jogging through a jungle trying to get away from his enemies.

Bucky turned into the first doorway in the hallway, easily spotting a mess of strawberry blonde curls on the floor. His body moved on it's own, collapsing to the ground beside her, his hands reaching out to touch her but remaining inches above her body, too scared to actually touch her and cause any damage when he didn't yet know what was already injured. "Addy!" He gasped out her name like it was the last thing he'd be able to say, if she really was extremely hurt then it would be. He analysed the situation before him, trying to diagnose whether he needed to get her some medical attention. She was laid on her front on the floor, her arms outstretched in front of her holding onto a plant pot that harboured soil but no plant was sprouting from it.

Hearing James enter the front room and approach her, the collapsed strawberry blonde lifted her head, a laughing smile on her face a testimony to the fact that she was actually completely fine and an insult to the serious concern he'd been victim to. "Oh, hey, James," she greeted, her voice reaching a new octave of squeaky as she attempted to avoid the subject of how she'd embarrassingly fallen onto the floor.

"What the hell?" Bucky cawed, his ignorance of her calling him by his real name showing that he still wanted to hear some answers as normally it would provide a momentary distraction.

"I need to take more plants upstairs but I've been getting lazy," she mumbled an explanation as she began to stand up, pointing with one hand to a large potted plant that was standing in the middle of the little walkway she had. Once stood, she dusted off her skirt of any soil that had managed to fall out of the pot she held when she fell to the floor. Then she began to inspect the plant pot, holding it up in the light leaking from the many windows in her apartment to make sure it was okay. If Bucky were honest, he was surprised to see her making sure she was okay before the baby plant. Addy's main concern in that moment was the embarrassment.

"Are you okay?" He asked, standing up alongside her and stepping closer to continue his inspection of her wellbeing. She'd clearly made an effort for the night, dressing herself in another floral dress that was predominantly white, tainted by the soil that had smudged across the skirt of her dress.

"Yeah, of course, what, you think this is my first rodeo tripping over plants?" Addy joked, forcing out a laugh that sounded uncomfortable even to her ears.

All her joke got from the caring brunet was a small rise of the lips, other concerns taking centre-stage in his mind. "I'm impressed you managed to save the plant," he commented, eyeing her newest addition and trying to guess what was in it, it was futile, despite spending so much time with Addy, most of the information she'd shared about her 'babies' had gone straight over his head.

"Priorities and all that," she mumbled, turning around and beginning to explore her living room for an open space to put her newest addition down.

"Uh huh," Bucky smiled to himself, feeling the warmth - that only appeared in Addy's presence - spread around his heart as she displayed her attachment to her plants once more. It was one of the things that made her so unique and he _adored_ it. With a shyness no one would expect the impeccably charming James Buchanan Barnes to possess, his eyes fell downcast landing on the bouquet of daisies he had in his hands, Addy's previous escapades having made him forget about them. "Oh," he sounded, pushing them out towards her so abruptly that she instinctively leaned back away from them, as though he was handing her a gun rather than a bunch of flowers, "I got you more flowers but I'm not sure you should have them anymore, it might be a risk to your safety."

"You can never have too many plants!" She announced loudly, acting offended to his statement but the joyous smile on her face let him know that she was secretly pleased with him. After taking them off of him, Addy looked down at the daisies, inspecting them, analysing them, taking in their age and vibrancy, in the end she announced her results. "Oh, these are lovely, thank you so much, James." She moved to go grab one of the empty vases that she kept in her storage cupboard, also deciding to get one for the plant pot she'd just saved as she fell.

"Oh, wait a minute." He stopped Addy before she could go grab one of her empty vases, quickly grabbing one of the flowers from the bouquet so that he could then slip it behind her ear. The puce flush that took over her cheeks was immediate and whilst Addy wanted to roll her eyes, she just couldn't bring herself to, instead she let out a shy laugh and turned away. It was okay that she didn't say anything, Bucky understood.

It was a cute ritual they did every time they went on a date, he'd bring her a bouquet or a plant and he'd always put a flower behind her ear (except for the rare times when he'd end up getting her a cactus). Addy was pretty sure he only did it because of the blush that would curse her entire body; It appeared not because of the act itself, but because of his damned smile that was so wide and so _cheeky_ it was almost as alluring as a flower was to a bee.

He looked at her proudly, taking in her entire reaction because it was all the proof he was able to get as she wasn't very vocal about her feelings towards him. He'd learnt years ago to read between the lines, to take from the little things rather than the words she said because Addy wasn't the kind to admit such things as attachments, that was too dangerous for her. "Wait a minute," he paused again as his eyes fell down to her knee, a deep shade of red attracting his attention.

"What now?" She scoffed jestingly.

"You're bleeding." He acclaimed, peering down at her leg.

"Huh?" She looked down as well, trying to find what he was looking so concerned about, it didn't take long before the crimson red attracted her eyes as well. "Oh would you look at that, it's fine, I'll just go fix that before we go, won't take a minute," Addy rushed out her words, her legs moving equally as quickly as she made her way into the kitchen.

Bucky followed after her, "no, I'll do it, sit down."

"What?" The strawberry blonde wanted to curse his name for making her embarrassing moment stretch even longer, there was no way she was going to let him fix up her scrape, that would be even more mortifying for her.

"Sit down, Addy," he repeated, his hands suddenly moving to grasp her waist so that he could lift her up easily and place her down on the empty kitchen counter. She let out a small cry, her biggest concern in that moment being that he'd sprain his arm lifting up something as heavy as her but impressively he seemed to have no issue placing her chubby body on top of the counter, making another blizzard of butterflies swarm her stomach, the catalyst for her blush that hadn't disappeared ever since the moment she tripped over the plant pot.

He ignored the surprised sound she'd made and tried to pretend like he hadn't felt anything from the sudden closeness he'd initiated, nor the way her body had felt so perfect between his hands. Instead, he inspected her scrape, moving closer and beginning to dust off the remaining bits of soil that had stuck to her knee, mixing with the bit of blood leaking out of the little cuts dotting her knee. Feeling the touch against her bare wound, Addy automatically released a hiss, making Bucky pull his hand back almost immediately. "Sorry," He cringed, "what do I need to do?"

Meatball. He'd chucked her onto a counter and demanded that she let him fix up her wound, yet he didn't even know how. James Buchanan Barnes was indeed the world's biggest meatball and it took every inch of power Addy possessed to not roll her eyes and laugh at his flummoxed expression because she knew it came from a place of concern.

"Well first it needs cleaning," she explained, doing her best to keep her voice from wavering, it was a much bigger challenge trying to look him in the eyes, one she was failing at. "Just a towel and water will do."

Bucky gave a determined nod as he abandoned her for a moment, rounding the counter so he could enter the kitchen. Once there, he grabbed a clean unused tea towel and soaked it under the tap, forgetting to squish any excess water out so it dripped down his hand into his sleeve and left a trail of water on the floor. Whilst he did that Addy busied herself, grabbing a jar of mixed herbs and plants, as well as reaching behind herself to reach into a drawer and grab a roll of bandages. When the brunet returned he gave a small glance at the things she'd collected, proceeding to put his full attention on the scrape.

Without any warning he reached out and dabbed the wound, surprising Addy which made her release another yelp. "Sorry," he quickly apologised.

She shook her head, "you're fine, I just got surprised is all."

Bucky slowly nodded, matching the pace with his hand as he began to gently wipe at all the soil left on her knee. Water began to drip down her leg and the strawberry blonde was forced to bite down on her tongue so she didn't laugh at him for not ringing the cloth, meaning both of them were getting more wet than necessary. He carried on for a while, being extra careful and taking his time to ensure the wound was sufficiently clean, giving Addy plenty of time to watch him, to analyse him.

His brown hair was a mess atop his head, scrubbed back by gel that had been messily applied. There was something about the messy look though, maybe it was the fact that despite making no effort he still looked very attractive with his obnoxiously blue eyes that equipped the force of an entire oasis lagoon, the kind of blue that could only ever be depicted in a mirage it was so perfect. And then there was his face, Addy was sure God had taken special care when sculpting James' as it was perfect, precise, with little details put in places that made it all the more appealing. His lips had a charming quirk to them and his nose was the perfect size for the rest of his face, his eyes the highlight of an already tempting piece of art. Yet, it wasn't even his looks that had engaged her most. It was the way he engaged her, the way he spoke to her, the way he would grace her with his simplistic yet powerful touches, it was the way he looked at her. Perhaps it was selfish, but it was the way he chose to treat her, like she was more than just a woman who had certain purposes, but a human being that had earned his respect and the right to be… to be _loved_. It made her want nothing more than to give it back, if only she could.

"Okay, done, what now?" He questioned, breaking her out of the reverie she'd been stuck in as she stared at his face, admiring the way he was concentrating so deeply on fixing up her wound, as though she and her wound were the most important issue in that moment.

Upon being caught, her dazed expression turned into one clearly expressing panic, her eyes opening wider and her mouth beginning to open and close like a goldfish trying to form words. It was moments like that she was glad that Bucky didn't share her powers, who knows what he would have found in that moment, even Addy wasn't properly aware of the new (yet surprisingly old, coming into creation the day she met James) emotion swirling inside of her. "Uh, I- you just-" Addy cleared her throat and straightened her mind, pushing all thoughts of Bucky to the back of her mind where they whined and cried out, demanding her attention. She grabbed the jar placed at her side and shoved it in his face the same way Bucky had done with the flowers previously. "You need to put a gratuitous amount of this on top of the scrape, it'll help keep the wound clean and heal, then you need to wrap a bandage around it."

"Okay," he swallowed down his nerves, reminding himself that though he did feel some pressure to do everything correctly and as perfectly as Addy would be able to, he also _wasn't_ doing surgery so he could relax. Just as slowly as before, he reached out to grab her leg so that he could apply the herbs easily, his hand caressing her leg as he moved it to rest behind the limb. Bucky didn't notice the way Addy's breath hitched. Addy didn't notice the way Bucky's throat became impossibly dry. He opened up the jar with one hand, his eyes never leaving her kneecap which only encouraged his surprise even more when he dipped his hands into the jar and found that the herbs were in a cream-like form when he was expecting the usual powdery feel.

He applied it slowly, not wanting to be too rough in case it caused her any pain. But he really had no need to worry as he was doing a perfectly fine job of keeping the strawberry blonde distracted without intending to, the cool feeling of the herbs only adding to the sensation of his gentle touch on the back of her leg. It was strange, she hadn't thought that she would receive any pleasure from his contact in the crook between her thigh and her ankle, and yet it ringed in her mind as loud as the bells of a church, singing like an angel and making a shiver vibrate down her spine like God himself had touched her with his overpowering holy light.

Bucky would be lying if he said that he hadn't also felt anything from the simple touch, her leg had hairs on it as she didn't shave but the hairs were so light that they went unseen, beneath his hand the hairs were soft, like a peach fuzz. Her skin was supple and squishy, making him desire to touch more of her but sane thought ordered him to resist such a desire. He attempted to distract himself by asking a question that had become even more prominent after journeying through her jungle of an apartment. "So, uh, I've been meaning to ask for a while, but why do you have so many plants?"

"Because of you." The answer came faster than she'd expected, the scientist in her choosing to say the most factual answer it could as quick as possible to show off her intelligence, making her widen her eyes and her skin become shaded even more red as Bucky's eyes widened too, the brunet having expected any other answer _but that one_. "Well, no, I mean yes, I mean- what I was trying to say, is that fourteen years ago you put a flower in my hair and that started the... obsession, for lack of a better word. Flowers reminded me of you and thinking of you made me happy. Then I fell more in love with them as I started building my family, they're like little bits of life, uncomplicated life without any psychology tainting them, they're something to take care of and they… they can't hurt you. Well, not all of them anyway, there are poisonous ones."

"And ones that like to trip you over," he quipped, causing the both of them to chuckle, "though personally I like to think you fell for me, because I arrived."

"Sorry, but that's not logical," Addy raised her face so her nose was pointed into the air, looking far more pretentious than she actually was.

He finished wrapping the bandage around her leg, losing the weight pportunity to stare at anything but her eyes. Her eyes that were far more than just a plain old green, far more than the kind of green that brings life back to earth after an unforgiving cold, far more green than the revived grass after the harsh conditions of winter, far more than the green that, even in the darkest of times, can be the light that shows any wanderer the way home. They _were_ already home, they were already the warmth after a winter, they were already life after darkness. They were already everything he needed. Without meaning to, he began to lean forward, hypnotised by her eyes and unaware of the way his body had automatically moved closer to hers. It wasn't the first time, nor was it the second time. It was most likely the hundredth time. "Logical is starting to get boring, don't you think?" His words were husky, low and rumbling.

Even though he knew it would be naive to assume, he didn't back away, instead he _hoped_. How stupid, he thought to himself, to believe that perhaps Addy was ready to take the next step with him. The past four years had been a dance where only he knew the moves, Addy just being dragged along. It was becoming more and more logical that she wouldn't be able to continue doing the turns, at some point she would end up messing up completely and falling to the floor, him powerless to do anything but take the blame for her fall.

That was the moment when the reality of the situation became even harsher.

"Logical is safe." She felt like the bearer of bad news as she said those words, knowing that they weren't just a point made for the conversation topic they were having, it was a broad answer for many questions, like, were they closer to becoming more than friends? No, because to be more than friends would mean to believe in the illogical. It would mean to believe in _love_.

His expression melted like ice that touched the sun, just that fast, a smile drifting into a discontented line on his face. He looked away as he stepped further from her, the few centimetres of space between them feeling like an entire football field as both of them lost the warmth of human contact. Addy had already fixed an emotionless expression on her face, but it was merely a mask, a cage that cradled any emotions she'd felt from his closeness.

Addy cleared her throat. "Right, I'm ready to go-" She hopped off of the counter, feeling no pain as she put more weight on her kneecap. There hadn't really been any requirement for Bucky taking up his nursing duties, but she didn't regret it, despite the strangeness of all the emotions she'd felt. She tried to smile, tried to pretend like the moment before hadn't happened the same way they'd pretended the moment they first found themselves moving closer towards each other at the Christmas dance, only to be interrupted by a drunken, enraged, Steve Rogers, had never happened. Addy utilised her usual technique, choosing to concentrate on something else rather than the problem at hand, except, she chose the wrong thing to concentrate on, or perhaps it was the right thing but that certainly didn't make her feel any better. "Bucky, what the hell are you wearing?" Addy laughed, pretending that she saw his outfit as a joke.

If Addy's avoidance of the special moment they'd just spared between each other hadn't affected him, her finally noticing the uniform he wore did. On his body he wore the memorable murky green uniform of a soldier, the formal version, the brunet dawning a jacket and suit pants with medals across his chest. He'd chosen to wear it because he couldn't actually bring himself to tell her with words. That would have been far too difficult.

That was the future he'd predicted before arriving to her apartment, he knew an argument was dawning, a distaste on Addy's tongue that would poison her entire body, make her see him as nothing more than another self-righteous soldier killing people and pretending that it was for the greater good. Bucky had prepared himself for that event, he knew what he needed to do, he needed to tell her the truth or else she would see him as nothing more than a fake.

Taking in a deep breath, he held out both of his arms and released the truth like clouds released a downpour. "This is my new job Addy, the one I told you about earlier this week." It hurt him to give her the truth, but there was no other way around it, she needed to know because he would be gone soon and the relationship would be even harder to salvage if he just vanished without her knowing _why_.

"You're leaving me." Was it strange that that was the first thing that came to her mind? The first thing that snapped her heart in two?

"No, of course not," he immediately denied, her words the exact first thing that had gone through this mind when he was drafted. "I'm going so I can make sure that you're safe in your own home, and so I can buy you that home with the huge garden we talked about, away from your mother."

"I don't want it." It was actually quite insulting how Bucky could believe for one second that she'd choose a large house over his presence. There was plenty she'd lose without him being there, her confidence, her spirit, her comfort, her shoulder to cry on, her hand to hold. Him, she'd lose him. _She'd lose him_. After four years, that was something she couldn't even bear the thought of.

"I'll write you a letter every day," he promised, surprising Addy with the amount of desperation he allowed to leak from his voice, "I know it won't be as good as me just being here with you but it's all I can do. I have to do this Addy, _please understand that_." He stepped closer to her, taking her hands into his and grabbing onto them as tightly as possible, trying to make a display of just how much he really didn't want to leave her. He knew what he was asking was the impossible. He was asking her to abandon her views on war, to forget what she truly believed, that war was just killers versus killers, to understand that his reasons were far more honourable than others. He wasn't going to kill, he was going to protect the people he cared about. To protect those that had given him the chance at a privileged life. To protect Steve, and the people that had taken care of him. To protect Addy.

"Besides, it's not like you could ever lose me, we're attached, remember?" Bucky continued, for once not having a plan for his words and arguments. How could he possibly plan after spending the entire night imagining a life where she wasn't in his life, concerned that it was actually a possibility after she learnt about his new career path. The newly appointed soldier had thought of one thing though, it had just been a throwaway thought at first, a chance he was going to take, a belief that it was the one thing that might hold some meaning to the genius who only ever concentrated on the logical, the one illogical thing she'd ever done. He held up his finger, showing her the red string he'd wrapped around it before arriving at her place, "no matter how far away we are from each other, all we need to do is follow the red string and we'll find each other again."

Addy hated how much it affected her, seeing that he'd kept the red string that paired with the red string she always had on her person, in that moment it was tucked away in her dresses pocket (the best way to avoid losing it was to keep it close to her at all times, if she left it somewhere in her apartment then she would no doubt lose it among all the plants she had dotted around the place). It represented too much. Their dedication to one another, their promise of a future that always involved one another, it represented them entirely. And deep down Addy did know that he wouldn't bring up their sacred red string if he did not mean what he was saying.

It didn't heal her broken heart, it didn't stop her concerns about him abandoning her the same way all those men had abandoned her mother and it especially didn't stop her from wondering about his fate in the war, but she held more illogical faith in the red string than she did in any God that people had thrown into existence and maybe, _just maybe_ , that would be enough.

She threw herself over to him, for the very first time being the one to initiate a hug, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head against his chest. Addy never wanted to let him go, never wanted him to leave. "I really don't want you to go," she confessed, voice wavering.

Bucky's arms wrapped around her too, tightening into a prison Addy would have been more than happy to stay in forever. "I'm never going to leave you, Addy, you're stuck with me for life."

Sniffling, she warned him: "If you die, I'll kill you."

"I know," he chuckled, his laughter not taking away from the truth nor the pulsating sadness that overwhelmed them. His nerves were easing though, Bucky hadn't actually expected her to so easily forgive him. Though, he realised, perhaps she hadn't forgiven him, just figured out that there was no way she'd ever abandon him. That was something he'd have to read between the lines of, another thing that she would never actually tell him, only show him.

As she continued to force any and all tears back, she raised her head to rest it on his shoulder, not caring that the hug had lasted for too long, only caring about the fact that it would have to end.

It had been a mistake, moving her head, it allowed her to see _the_ soldier once more. He looked the exact same way he did all those years ago at the Christmas party, his uniform possessing slightly more creases but that fact was barely noticeable as his face took all the glory. It was still bare, possessing no eyes, no nose and no mouth. No eyes, yet Addy could still feel it's powerful gaze fixated on her. Her breath got stuck in her throat, a scream coiling where her voice had once been, her body freezing as well. She was paralysed in fear.

But do not misunderstand, it was not the vision's appearance that terrified her so much, it was the fact that without their face she was still able to recognise who it was. But Addy always refused to think about it, to attach the body to the person she knew, to try and analyse what the vision was telling her because there was no way it could ever be a good thing.

It was her powers, her choice, that was how the strawberry blonde chose to see it. If she didn't want to acknowledge something her curse was trying to warn her about then that was her choice.

Her eyes didn't even blink as the soldier began to move, stepping further into the hallway and turning to face her front door, marching over to it like the perfect soldier. That was meant to mean something too, Addy was sure of it, but she didn't want to know. "How long until you leave?" She questioned James, hoping her tight voice wouldn't give away the fact that seconds before she'd had a demon of terror burrow into her soul.

He smiled bitterly, but his mouth had remained in a tight line somehow. Though Addy couldn't see the none-smile, that was the moment when Addy first sensed something suspicious about him. Really, she probably would have been able to sense it earlier but after the embarrassing fall she'd managed to tune out his emotions, her own anxieties overpowering everything else, until then. What she felt radiating from Bucky was something new and because of that she wasn't able to understand it completely. All she could tell was that he was holding something tightly against his chest, keeping it from her. "Let's not talk about that," he said, only encouraging her suspicions more, "let's go on this date, have an amazing time, watch Steve fall in love and then tonight we can have another sleepover here and drink whiskey."

Addy remained silent for a moment, debating in her mind whether she should pursue what she knew he was hiding from her or allow themselves to keep the peaceful moment they'd salvaged. In the end, she chose the latter. "The good stuff?"

"The _best_ stuff," he encouraged, the line his lips had fallen to rising into his usual wide smile that revealed his teeth and decorated him with charm.

She could always ask him later, Addy decided. The strawberry blonde parted from his body, once again missing him which she found highly illogical, he was standing in front of her still and it wouldn't exactly be great if they just spent all their time hugging, it'd be quite inconvenient, so why was that all she wanted to do?

Shaking her head, Addy decided doing something else would distract her enough. It was time to leave for the Steve's date. Entering her hallway, she pushed between two plants to grab onto a forest green cotton coat that was simple in its design but effective enough in keeping her warm on wintery days. "So, what are you now?"

He didn't give her an immediate answer, instead he held up a finger, requesting a moment from her whilst displaying what could only be described as mischief, she raised an eyebrow but didn't question him. She quite enjoyed when he acted in such a way, borderline childish, bringing a spark of youth back into their lives because really, though they were quite young, both of them had been forced to grow up far too early. It was practically James' duty. He suddenly began to march down her hallway, not as perfect as a soldier actually would do but the extravagant moves had her laughing all the same. He opened up her door and revealed on the door handle that he'd left his hat hanging on it, clearly deciding before coming in to hide the headwear as it would give away his position immediately. Bucky grabbed it and decided to show off, twirling it around his finger as he rose up his hand, eventually placing it down on his head, stamping his leg and saluting her. "Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes," he yelled in what Addy assumed was his best 'soldier' voice.

Though he was trying his best to stay serious, it became difficult as Addy continuously laughed, one hand going on top of her stomach whilst the other waved at him in some sort of scolding way. A few seconds later she walked over to him, reaching out to straighten the hat he'd flumped on his head, giggles still bubbling out of her. "That has a nice ring to it, should I just call you sergeant from now on?"

There were moments, _great_ moments, when Addy would make Bucky feel like some sort of school girl. She'd say something and it'd make him want to curl up in a ball of happiness, his entire body feeling a wave of butterflies. Of course, he'd never admit such a thing, but it was there. That was one of those moments, her borderline flirty comment making him feel like the sun had lit up in his stomach. "We both know you can't stop calling me 'Meatball', even if you wanted to," he responded, managing somehow to keep that sun internalised. He knew that sometimes he could come across quite keen, but he didn't want to reach the point where his adoration was literally scaring her off.

"True," she acknowledged, beginning to push gently on his chest so that he would step out into the hallway, allowing her to walk out behind him. Addy locked the door to her apartment and Bucky waited patiently beside her, once the small task was done they began to set off towards the apartment staircase. "So, where's Steve?"

"We're going to pick him up on the way, I think he said that he was going to see a movie at the theatre around the block," he informed and Addy just nodded her head, glad that it wasn't going to be a long walk as she'd chosen to wear shoes that would make her a little bit taller, having once read in a magazine that if people looked taller than they also looked skinnier.

"Notice how he prefers to go see movies alone now? After all those movie dates you've sneakily set up?" Addy noted as they exited her building after easily making their way down the stairs, she'd turned her head and raised a suggestive eyebrow at him to which he innocently shrugged his shoulders.

"If he hated the dates so much, why would he agree to do this one?" It wasn't Bucky's best argument, but it would work out for Addy at least because she didn't know about his scheming and the fact that Steve only ever went on the dates anymore because Bucky practically begged him to, saying that he was _so close_ to getting Addy to accept her feelings for him. It was getting harder to do, he would admit that. Steve doubted that Addy even had feelings for him, especially because she kept such things to herself, but Bucky was convinced they existed, he'd spent far more time with her and understood her a lot more than his best friend did. She liked him. She'd given him the red string, he was sure that meant there were feelings there.

"That's what I've been trying to figure out," she mumbled, suddenly becoming secretive and it actually had Bucky becoming nervous. The strawberry blonde was a double-edged sword, not only was she incredibly smart, but she could also read people's emotions and destinys, that made her extremely dangerous and able to do things normal people wouldn't, like figure out plots.

His body suddenly became straighter, his eyes avoiding hers so that she wouldn't see the flash of worry, as though that would do anything to stop her sense reaching into his soul and reading him like a book. "There's nothing to figure out, he just really wants a partner." Bucky used to think of himself as a tremendous liar, his charm giving him the ability to make anything convincing, but around Addy he seemed to lose all of that and it was incredibly frustrating, it was the reason he was forced to plan most things ahead if he wanted her to do something like go on another date with him.

Bucky's own doubts about his words in that moment leaked off of him as a horrible stench, like he'd been lying in a garbage can filled to the brim with day old nerves and overused apprehension. It paired with the few facts Addy already knew, like how Steve definitely didn't want a partner after all the horrible dates with Bucky, all the blond man wanted was to become a soldier. "You're lying," she stated matter-of-factly.

"You can't sense when I'm lying, you liar," Bucky paused in the middle of the street to throw out the accusation, expecting her to stop and correct him in some way. She was disappointed when she sensed his alarm, he was definitely hiding something from her. She just put faith on the fact that he would most likely tell her sooner rather than later, rather than her pushing him. As she walked past him, giving no retort, his face blanched. "Wait, can you?"

The strawberry blonde continued walking and continued to not talk to him, allowing him to come to his own conclusions. She'd decided she wouldn't push him, and she wasn't, she was just letting him come to his own conclusions that might support him in telling her whatever secret he was holding on to so dearly. "Addy?" He called once more, jogging to a spot she'd stopped at besides an alleyway very close to the movie theatre.

"Shush," she threw up her hand as she closed her eyes and concentrated on something going on in the alleyway, Bucky was looking at her confused until he started to hear the loud sound of trash cans falling to the ground, followed by mumbled words, and a very familiar voice. "Do you hear that?" Bucky nodded his head, the both of them sharing grim expressions. "You don't think that's…"

"Who else is it going to be?" He sighed, beginning to walk forward into the alleyway and Addy reluctantly followed him. Neither were surprised at the scene they found at the bottom of the alley. Steven Grant Rogers in the middle of a fight against someone he was clearly outmatched against. That point was proven as the larger man punched Steve in the face, knocking him to the ground where he remained on his stomach for only a moment before standing back up. He had a tremendous fighting spirit for someone not built for fights, Addy would give Steve that.

Thankfully Bucky intervened then, grabbing a hold of the man's shoulder and easily pulling him aside and away from his friend. "Hey! Pick on someone your own size," he threatened easily, showing no worry over facing the man whilst Addy kept herself to the wall mostly, not really knowing what to do in such a situation.

She let out a yelp as the man went to swing at Bucky, but he impressively ducked away from it and led his own attack, hitting his target and forcing the stranger's body to twist around. Bucky followed the move with a swift kick in the man's backside which pushed him to get away.

Once Addy was sure that the man wouldn't be returning, she left the wall she'd practically been hugging and made her way over to Steve, gently lifting up his head and then she saw his bleeding eyebrow. "Oh, god, Steve!"

"I'm fine," he huffed, slapping away her hands.

"Sometimes I think you like getting punched," Bucky commented as he strolled forward, not nearly as panicked as Addy had been because he'd seen Steve in worser conditions, most of the time he was next to him also managing to gain a few of his own wounds.

"I had him on the ropes," Steve replied, trying to get his breathing back to normal as the small fight had made his asthma start up again. Neither Steve or Addy noticed Bucky bending over and picking up a piece of paper from the floor.

"I'll run back and get the first aid kit," Addy eventually decided, still sounding very disappointed in Steve for getting into a fight, but that was just the way she was, a hater of violence in any situation. As she walked back down the alley she mumbled to herself: "I should just keep one on me at all times at this rate."

Both the boys had heard and Steve watched her leave, gritting his teeth before looking back to Bucky, "I think she might be mad at me."

He didn't confirm or deny his friends statement, instead he just added his own thoughts, "don't worry, she's more upset with me right now, I can guarantee it." Bucky moved on quickly, lifting up the piece of paper he'd grabbed off of the floor, "how many times is this? Oh, you're from Paramus now?" Bucky read through the sign up papers which showed Steve hadn't been allowed to join the war, his tone as demeaning as Addy's had been when she'd seen his split eyebrow. "You know it's illegal to lie on the enlistment form, and seriously, Jersey?"

Steve wasn't affected by anything Bucky was saying, already having gone through a similar argument many times before, just wishing that Bucky would hurry up and figure out that if he wasn't going to stop trying to join the army after being told off the first time by him, then Steve certainly wasn't going to stop the tenth or eleventh time either. The only thing that seemed to get through to the small man was the uniform he finally acknowledged his best friend was wearing. A string of emotions went across his face, all ended up hidden, making Bucky wish that Addy hadn't actually gone. "You get your orders?" Steve asked.

"The one-o-seventh. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow," he revealed, deciding to drop the paper and do what he'd intended, spend a night with his favourite two people without any arguments. That meant ensuring one other thing though. "Uh, Addy doesn't know that yet, so I'd appreciate it if you could keep it between us for now."

"She doesn't know you're leaving tomorrow?"

Ashamed, Bucky shook his head. He'd wanted to tell her, and he was going to, he just needed to work his way towards it because he knew the news would break her heart. Or perhaps, the only reason he wasn't telling her was to protect his own, because he didn't want to leave her any more than she wanted to leave him. "She's going to be really angry when she finds out," Steve noted, able to imagine the volcano that would erupt in Addy's heart once she discovered the news, he was surprised it wasn't already going off as she clearly knew that Bucky had joined the army.

"I know," Bucky sighed, checking down the alleyway when he heard footsteps, he turned back to Steve and began to whisper, "but for now, we're going to have fun, it is my last night after all."

Both of them looked over to Addy who had returned with a tiny box, immediately moving to go help Steve who reluctantly accepted her help, surprising the strawberry blonde as he didn't bother putting up a fight. He couldn't bring himself to, suddenly feeling very sorry for the girl beside him. "Where are we going?" Steve directed the question to Bucky who he noticed was looking unintentionally, but very intensely, forlorn towards Addy.

He snapped out of it and handed over the newspaper he'd grabbed earlier from a vending rack to Steve, forcing a smile to replace his previous expression. "The future."

* * *

 **A/N: Another big thank you to OfSeashellsandStars for beta-ing the chapter!**

 **I don't have much to say today so I guess I'll settle on: Hi, how are you? I'm proud of you and all that you accomplished today even if it was just getting out of bed, and I believe you'll accomplish something tomorrow as well :)**

 **To LoveFiction2019, hope you like the update!**

 **To Assbitch67, I LOVE THEM TOO WHICH IS WHY I HATE TFA PLOT ahahaha life is about to get a hell of a lot harder but oh well, sucks for them *insert shrug emoticon here***

 **And a big thanks to everyone that simply read the chapter!**


	12. Chapter Ten

**CHAPTER TEN**

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"Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yipee."

― **Sara Gruen**

* * *

The expo, for lack of a better word, was _beautiful_. It was like stepping straight into the future. Stalls and displays were scattered across the land as large as a city. Bucky, Steve and Addy knew they'd made it to the centre when they reached a metal sculpture in the shape of a globe with banners around it, put together it created an atom. In the distance there were fireworks constantly going off, painting the sky in multicoloured stars, a true wonder to most of the visitors who lived in cities too busy for the real stars of the universe to come say hello.

It was all astonishingly enchanting, especially for Addy who enjoyed all the sciences the expo could provide, yet she could barely even take in her surroundings because there were _so many people_. She'd gotten used to public spaces, all she had to do was concentrate solely on Bucky, but it was still quite a fight, the strawberry blonde constantly having to knock away the senses from everyone else with a mental bat. Bucky seemed to realise her issue the second they'd stepped into the expo and had taken her hand into his, holding it tightly in his grasp, a silent promise that he would never let go. Addy's withdrawn disposition was understandable for him, whereas Steve's grumpy expression that he'd maintained ever since they'd stepped out of the alleyway was starting to get on Bucky's nerves because he'd wanted to have at least one person be merry that night; Steve more so than Addy because he actually knew that it was his last night on home turf with them.

"Cheer up, will you," the brunet eventually commented, poking Steve's side to let him know that the comment was directed at him.

The blonde peered up at his friend, expression unchanged, hands in his pockets. "Sorry," he mumbled, no heart in his words.

Addy looked over to Steve, more understanding of his views on the dates because she could physically sense them. He was worn out, more assured that it was a lost cause after enduring far too many dates that ended unhappily. "Don't worry Steve, I've already got our escape route figured out if required," she informed him, doing her best to be supportive so he knew he wasn't alone.

Bucky looked at her offended, squishing her hand between his fingers. "You know, it would be nice if you actually supported me for once."

"I'm so sorry. Oh, you still owe me for that round of drinks by the way." Addy's voice was sickly sweet, creating an air of ditsy innocence that didn't belong with her.

"Fair point." He turned back to Steve, choosing not to start a fight with Addy as she'd made it clear that in those circumstances she had the upper hand and would no doubt keep it until he paid off his debt. "I don't see what the problem is," he started, looking back on the days when he used to go on dates with all sorts of people before he became completely dedicated to Addy. "You're about to be the last eligible man in New York, you know there's close to three and a half million women here?"

"Well, I'd just settle for one," he'd attempted to conjure a joke but sadness tainted his words and his overall mood, Addy could feel it like a downpour cast over them. The hardest part was the sensation like it only centred on them, everyone else able to feel the sun. Steve didn't think there was a 'one' out there for him anymore, he felt like he'd dated more than half the continent by that point. When he agreed to go on dates for Bucky to get closer to Addy, he'd thought that would up his chances to find a soulmate of his own but that hope had depleted into nothing but a shadow.

"Good thing I took care of that." Bucky continued to lead them down a staircase, abruptly dropping Addy's hand so that he could raise it up and wave at some people across from them. The loss of his touch had panic overwhelming her, a tidal wave of everyone else attacking her. Her body suddenly felt warm and cold at the same time as she let them all in, every emotion bashing against her skeleton, so many visions that she became blind. The only way for her to salvage what remained of her sanity was to grasp onto Bucky's sensations before they completely slipped through her fingers, holding onto the safety of his spirit like a rope keeping her from tumbling down a rocky cliff to her doom. She wasn't sure she'd focused on the right soul as it was slightly tainted by that something new, a concern of some sort, a fragment of worry.

Addy was only able to assume that it was down to the two females across from them who had waved back to Bucky which bore the source of the crack in his soul. They were the only piece of evidence she had to go off. Her distaste for the two females had been instant as they were the reason Bucky had discarded her hand.

"Hey Bucky!" The brunette cried over to the newly appointed soldier, throwing up her own hand in the same way he had done.

"There's two…" Addy observed.

"She must have invited a friend," the man of the hour looked back at the two of them, encouraging Steve and smiling innocently at Addy before proceeding back over to the two girls. "Doesn't matter, the more the merrier."

Steve was the first to start following Bucky towards the girls, his entire body becoming rigid as he prepared himself for _another_ date. "What did you tell her about me?"

"Only the good stuff," he vowed moments before they reached the two girls, Addy remaining hidden behind the two men, choosing to simply observe from afar.

"Hey ladies," Bucky said in greeting to the two females, the pair returning his 'hello' with obnoxiously wide grins that harshly reminded Addy of just how much of a charmer Bucky was without even having to make an effort. Their entire friendship had she just been another victim, another hypnotised woman falling to her knees for a boy with blue eyes and a nice smile? Addy didn't know what to think with the sudden apparition of a date for Bucky on what was usually something Bucky and Addy would only do together.

Her mother had always taught her about the monsters of the world, so why had she failed to mention men like Bucky? The man who was the cause of the hurricane of thoughts in Addy's head turned back around, pointing to each of them as he introduced them, "this is my friend Steve, and this is Addy." Both of the girls seemed to hold no interest for both parts of Bucky's company, giving them quick glances before turning back to the brunet. "Steve, Addy, this is Connie and…"

"Bonnie," she introduced, tone sweeter than candy, to the point where Addy could feel a cavity appear in her mouth. As though the blonde bombshell was reminded that Bucky wasn't actually her date, she looked over to the smaller gentlemen, her wide grin turning into a tight-lipped smile. "Hello, Steve." It was more than what some of his other dates had done so Steve gratefully nodded towards her.

"Hi," he greeted back, his discomfort for blind dates not wasting any time before appearing.

Bucky turned to face Addy, sending her a look no one else could see, the expression easy enough for Addy to read, he genuinely thought that the greeting was good progress for the date. The silent conversation relaxed her for a moment, making her laugh under her breathe and shake her head, letting him know that he was totally wrong.

Sadly their secretive moment couldn't last too long as the brown-haired dame, Connie, spoke up after keeping careful watch of the pair's interaction. "Do you know your legs are dirty? Is that soil?" Connie said her words with an essence of distaste that she'd try to mask behind curiosity, Addy was too in tune with people's emotions to not notice the lilt in her voice though.

"Oh, um," Addy looked down though she hadn't needed to, she'd forgotten about her messy kneecaps after Bucky had bandaged up her leg because she'd noticed his uniform. Irritating shyness made her skin feel tight against her body, Addy wasn't really good when it came to other people's conjectures of her, she wasn't really good with any kind of judgement when she was the sample being analysed. She didn't know how to respond, so Addy went with her usual forfeit, an apology and a reason, that was always what she had to give to her mother though it rarely ever counted for anything. In some ways, the reasons were for her own peace of mind. "Sorry, I was gardening before and then I had an accident, which is why there's also a bandage."

"Oh. You have a garden?" The girl continued to analyse, confusing Addy who couldn't understand why Connie was trying to get to know her so intimately when she could sense that all the brunette wanted to investigate was Bucky, in _every_ way.

"No, I just have a lot of plants in my apartment," the strawberry blonde answered with a slight understatement, aware of the way Bucky was looking between the two. Was that his plan? Did he want to put her in such a situation? She couldn't tell. Doubt pushed into the back of her mind because of that secret he was keeping.

The girl's interest faded there, not able to find anything special or unique in the strawberry blonde that required Bucky to look at her like she was the only girl in the world. Everybody had plants, but not everybody in New York owned a garden, those that did had lots of money, clearly the girl was poor (that had already been made clear from the way she dressed and how she left her hair to be a rats nest on top of her head). "Right. How… quaint."

"Yeah," Addy mumbled, feeling the easement of Connie's interest as another way of her saying that she was uninteresting. Addy wouldn't disagree with that prognosis.

Realising the conversation had died between them, with about as much extravagance as a blown out match, Bucky stepped closer towards the girls. Addy noticed that he'd stepped further away from her. "Right, shall we get exploring, ladies?"

"Sure," the moment the girl looked at Bucky a grin washed over her expression, a smile meant only for him, and it made Addy's blood boil.

She knew what it was, though she didn't fully know what it meant. Jealousy was a very popular emotion, one that would hit her senses just as much as happiness and sadness. It wasn't Addy's first time experiencing the emotion either. Every time she'd look at children happy with their parents she would feel the green monster spit acid in the layer between her muscle and her skin, making her want to tear her own body apart in order to rid herself of it. As for what it meant, that was simple to Addy, it meant what it meant for everyone else. She wanted Bucky, she wanted him for herself and only for herself. She wanted to be the one he flirted with and touched, in some ways Addy had unconsciously already believed she was until that night.

Thinking about it like a science helped stop her emotions from getting out of hand, it simplified things and stopped her mind from jumping to any conclusions like she might be in love with him. She didn't believe in love, Addy reminded herself that she needed to stand by that and not get lost in the same fairy tales she used to read manically as a child to try and escape the horrors of reality.

Addy liked Bucky, if she kept things as simple as that then she wouldn't feel lost in another whirlwind of foreign thoughts. It certainly leant itself to other things that had previously confused her, like why his touch and presence had been such a great comfort to her, and why her happiness would only ever peak when he was around, and why it was so easy to be around him.

Yes, Addy liked Bucky. She liked him. Oh god, she _liked_ him.

What a horrible time to have such a realisation, she thought to herself. Then she noted that perhaps it was actually a good thing. Yes, she liked him, but that didn't mean they could move forward into something past friendship territory when she'd already told him that it was unlikely. It would be cruel to tug him around like that, especially when she knew there were certain parts included in a relationship that she wouldn't be able to give him. The pleasure of skin, full commitment (her fear would always hold her back), and of course, love.

As the newly formed trio of Bucky, Bonnie and Connie started to travel forwards into the fray, Steve and Addy remained behind, feeling somehow distant from the other group. Steve looked over towards her and mustered his best supportive smile, able to see the way she was eyeing both of the brunettes with clear distaste. "So, he's in the doghouse now I guess?"

"Oh yeah, definitely," she replied earnestly, making Steve laugh out loud as she didn't bother hiding her annoyance like she normally would.

"But you're _definitely just friends_ ," he continued, deciding to push a little further seen as she'd suddenly started opening up to him. The date night might end up being horrible for him, but that didn't mean it had to end badly for Bucky as well, perhaps tonight could finally be the newly appointed soldier's night.

It was one of the rare moments where Steve and Addy were getting along, their friendship strange as it was forced upon both of them despite neither of them knowing each other completely. They had a sort of understanding but that was the extent of their relationship. Steve was wary of Addy because of the four years her and Bucky had spent together, his best friend constantly chasing after her whilst she remained complacent in just having a friendship. It sometimes seemed like she was stringing along Bucky, Steve doubting that she was completely unaware of his intentions. And his suspicions were right, she couldn't deny that, but her and Bucky had come to an understanding of their own quite early on in their relationship, that he wasn't expecting her to ever respond to his motives.

Addy peered at him, one eyebrow raised, "why are you saying that with such a sarcastic tone?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm never sarcastic," He said, sarcastically.

"Do you want to be in the dog house too?" It was the closest thing to a threat that Addy was able to muster and Steve accepted it, raising up both of his hands whilst wearing a small smile. After he relented he turned back to Bucky and his two new friends, finding that they were entering a large crowd and would no doubt soon be lost to the both of them. "Best go join the party, we wouldn't want to miss out."

"I think you've caught my sarcasm," he commented, choosing to shut his mouth when she turned back to face him with that same sharp gaze she'd used before when threatening him.

They spent the next few minutes following around the trio, Steve and Addy mostly keeping to one another. He stopped to get popcorn and she chose to stay with him, figuring she'd get more enjoyment with him over having to battle jealousy as she watched her closest friend get double the female attention.

The moment they joined the group again, Connie had grabbed a hold of Bucky's hand and was beginning to pull him towards a large stage where an announcer was saying something about Howard Stark, the man in charge of the expo they'd gone to.

From what Addy knew, Howard Stark was behind all of the science projects inside the expo, a genius in his own right. That was all she knew, so the strawberry blonde was actually quite curious to find out more about the man, to see if he really was the genius he was foretold to be.

They moved to stand in the middle of another tight crowd, Addy immediately crossing her arms uncomfortably over her chest, standing behind Bucky, Bonnie and Connie with Steve by her side, the small man paying more attention to his popcorn than he was the stage. Addy shared that sentiment as five women in unique tuxedos moved to stand in the centre, taking their places in front of the car. "Ladies and gentlemen, Howard Stark!" A female voice announced over the jazz music that was playing.

From behind the car a man walked onto the stage, dressed in his own suit that wasn't nearly as scantily designed as the women's. The millionaire was clearly trying to create a certain perception of himself as he interacted with the women, even bending one of them over and kissing her. Addy could easily sense though, that the genius was taking more pleasure from the audience's applause and cheers, than he was the kiss. To say she was disappointed would have been an understatement. Once he was done messing around, he grabbed hold of an offered mic, looking confidently over the audience as he began to speak. "Ladies and gentlemen, what if I told you that in just a few short years, your automobile won't even have to touch the ground _at all_."

Wonderment passed through the audience, the sensation spilling onto Addy who was struggling to concentrate on Bucky whilst feeling so irritated by him. It seemed he'd noticed her behaviour though, turning around and reaching to go take her hand. Despite her body desiring the touch the same way a drowning body desired fresh oxygen, Addy's pride got in the way and she slapped away his hand, not even daring to look at him. As petulant as she felt doing so, the strawberry blonde wanted him to know that she was hurt by his actions and the fact that, not only had he abandoned her, he'd also taken away Steve's date as well.

He frowned but turned back to face the stage, not wanting to kick up a fuss.

Addy did her best to concentrate on anything other than the visions and emotions being blasted her way, tuning her mind onto certain things. The fireworks in the sky, how Connie's hair smelt annoyingly of fresh apples, how each thread of her hair seemed to be curved into the perfect position, how her body was a twig compared to her own. She realised soon that concentrating on the brunette stood in front of her wasn't actually all that helpful so she turned to Steve instead, watching from the side of her eye as he offered his date some of the popcorn he'd bought. His date looked at him with disinterest and a slight amount of disgust, as though there was something wrong with him wanting to give her buttered popcorn, as though what he should have been giving her was some kind of diamond necklace. Addy wasn't a fan of popcorn either but she hated the way Bonnie was treating Steve more than that so she decided she'd have the date's share of popcorn, practically snatching it from the bag and making a show as she ate it, earning her own look of disgust from everyone else. Except for Steve and Bucky of course, the smaller gentlemen trying to muffle his own laugh whilst Bucky looked at her flabbergasted by the behaviour she was displaying.

Back on the stage, the female assistants had begun to take the wheels off of the car Stark was presenting, revealing beneath them, what Addy guessed, was some sort of engine meant to make the car levitate in the air, though it looked like that was all they were capable of, Addy not understanding how Stark was going to make the car actually drivable. "Yes, thanks Maddy," Howard mumbled, no one exactly sure which of the five assistants was supposed to be Maddy, perhaps all of them shared the same name. He addressed the audience once more, "with Stark robotic reversion technology, you'll be able to do just that."

As he finished speaking he pushed up a slider on some sort of panel, the catalyst for the orange glow that appeared from the engines, a humming sound following, and then, much to the crowd's amazement, the car began to float.

"Holy cow," Bucky awed, and for some reason even that had Addy's heart burning with jealousy. He never got that impressed with her plants. Or, he did, but if she thought about how impressed he would get sometimes when she listed things he had no idea about then it wouldn't help her keep her burning jealousy alive so she chose to turn a blind eye on those shared moments.

In the middle of Addy's jealous thinking, a sudden spark appeared behind the front wheel of the levitating car just as Howard started looking very pleased with himself, as well as his work. Addy knew immediately that the engines were starting to fail, and that meant a domino effect was about to occur. Her thoughts were confirmed as the rest of the car began to spark and stutter, eventually just crashing down to the floor, causing more sparks to fly out which made the crowd gasp. Including Connie, and much to Steve's amusement, Addy couldn't help but do an insulting imitation of the way she'd gasped and clung onto Bucky.

What none of them noticed was Steve's eyes moving further away from the stage, looking to something he found far more interesting than the failing date and broken science project.

Howard tried to laugh off the failure, "I did say a few years, didn't I?"

Bucky turned to face her again just as she finished doing the impression and she tried to look innocent, hoping that he hadn't noticed what she'd been doing. "What do you think happened then?" Bucky asked her, knowing that she could never resist an opportunity to show off her smarts.

The strawberry blonde shrugged her shoulders, looking bored as Bonnie and Connie both turned to face her, neither of them expecting anything intelligent to come out of her mouth. Not usually one to rise to the challenge, it was her jealousy that pushed her to rise to the occasion. At least, that's what Addy liked to think. "My best guess is that the engine required more electricity than the rest of it could handle, that, or there was an overheating issue but considering that Howard Stark's such a genius, I doubt that's it, that would have been one of the first things he should have looked at preventing."

Connie's eyebrows had fallen together, the brunette realising how delightful her reaction had been for Addy. It made the strawberry blonde feel like she had at least something going for her despite not possessing Connie's pretty looks and sane mind. "You know about all that stuff?"

"Yeah," she responded simply, wanting to leave it at that.

"Are you a scientist or something then, seinhbas you're so smart?," Bonnie interrogated, her nose turning up somewhat as she finished speaking.

"No, I'm just a waitress who gets bored," Addy answered back, once again choosing to keep things simple. If she went any deeper than she'd have to tell them that the only distraction she had as a child was school and books so that's what she drowned herself in whilst growing up, when the fairy tales stopped seeming possible she chose science, she chose to do her best to understand the world that had confused her mother to the point of losing her sanity.

It had become a lot easier when she moved into Alice's home, the bar owner purchasing books on a wide range of topics, encouraging Addy to learn as much as she wanted and doing her best to provide the young strawberry blonde with anything she required. It was also Alice's way of bonding with the closed off girl who didn't understand why her mother had left her at a stranger's house. Alice wasn't completely a stranger, having once upon a time been a best friend to Addy's mother but that had ended when her mother started choosing alcohol and men over everything else. Over everything that _should have been_ more important.

Suddenly Bucky stepped closer, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and pulling her close to his side, surprising her but she didn't push him away that time. Touching had become such an ordinary thing for the both of them, it felt natural, that was further proof for Addy that she must like him more than a friend. "But she is one heck of a genius. I keep telling her, she's going to go places."

If only Addy had looked up in that moment and seen the way Bucky looked down at her, inspiring jealousy in the hearts of anyone who looked at them in that moment, not because they wanted Bucky's attention, but because he looked at her in a way every woman desired a man to look at them. Like she was the sun and he was a blind man suddenly gifted vision. He looked at her as more than a friend.

It hurt when she didn't look back. It always hurt, but Bucky persevered just as he always did, knowing that deep down she did care for him and that all she needed to do was step out into the sun. His mission was to convince her that she wouldn't be burnt to a crisp if she did.

"Well, I'm starting to get hungry, what about you?" Addy shrugged but nodded at the same time, mostly just enjoying having Bucky's arm around her shoulder and the way that Connie was looking at her with such intense hatred, as though she was the one who'd stolen Bucky away when in her point of view it had been the other way round. "Hey, Steve, what do you say we treat these girls…" When Bucky didn't finish his sentence Addy looked over to where the smaller man had been stood moments earlier, seeing the exact same thing Bucky was, a lack of their friend's presence.

They both sighed in sync, mirroring each other as they turned to stare at one another, showing their closeness to Bonnie and Connie. "Split up and look for clues?" Addy suggested.

Bucky's chest had deflated, the soldier was genuinely upset that his friend had abandoned the date before it had even had a chance. Of course he wasn't a complete idiot, he'd noticed that it hadn't been going very well after seeing the way Addy had been acting, her behaviour far more strange than Steve's. So strange that he didn't really know how to read it, all he could tell was that she was upset about _something_. "I guess."

"I'll let you look after those two," she decided, not needing any input from him as it was quite clear he was better off with the two women than she would be.

"Hey, Addy, wait." Bucky called after her, and she had actually stopped before hearing him turn back to Bonnie and Connie, his voice switching to one of confidence and charm. "Sorry, ladies, I'll be right back." It hurt hearing him switch to such a personality (one she'd known existed, but had never seen before as he'd given up his lady killer ways when their friendship began) for the sake of the two girls. She hated it. She hated that she liked him. She hated that she couldn't get attached to him like Connie could. She hated that she liked him to the point where she wanted to stop a relationship forming between the two when they'd clearly be pretty great together.

But he was all she had. He was her person. He was on the other end of her red string and that couldn't change…she didn't want it to.

Addy had continued walking but Bucky ran after her, reaching her in under a minute and grabbing a hold of her hand so he could pull her back. From a single touch she felt an explosion of wonderful sensations, her body so used to tuning into him that she couldn't help it anymore. It just fueled her bitterness even more, giving her the gall she needed to turn around and say: "You sure you want to keep them waiting, James?"

"Bucky," he corrected, his usual joking tone missing and an expression of hurt taking centre stage. She'd never behaved in such a way towards him before, and Bucky would have never thought he'd have the ability to bring such a side of her out. Even after being slapped by her mother she'd remained the same calm, methodical, Addy that he'd known and adored for the past four years. The behaviour she displayed then was new and that had to mean the problem she was facing was new too. Selfishly, Bucky couldn't help but conclude that her distaste towards the girls, and therefore her irritation with him, came from a place of jealousy. Normally their not-dates were far more simple, the two of them working as a team to push Steve and whoever his date was to get closer together, but in that scenario it was both girls with Bucky whilst Steve and Addy were left to their own devices. He tried his best to give an explanation for the slight indiscretion, hoping to fix the issue that had arose so the two of them could go back to their usual routine. "And, you know I only invited the brunette, right? She was the one meant to be going on a date with Steve."

"Yeah, well, it seems like she's not aware of that, doesn't it?" She responded, shining a light of clarity on the matter and confirming his suspicions on what her issue was. He didn't know what to say in response, his mouth opening and closing once before he just gave up. Bucky didn't want to be cruel to the two girls who'd given them their time for the night, but he also didn't want to upset his two closest friends on the last night he had with them. It wasn't like telling Addy about that little fact would fix things either. Addy saw his resignation to response so she decided to fill the space herself. "Look, it doesn't matter, I don't care if you date people, it's not like we were ever going to form a thing between us."

That was the truth she believed in and the fastest way she could think to fix the situation. He'd known it was likely that she wouldn't end up dating him, but his guilt suggested he'd started to hope otherwise. She couldn't explain that her jealousy came from an actual adoration for him that she'd only just come to learn of, that would only make things worse, so as she spoke she forced out a spiteful tone. "I told you before, I don't _want_ a relationship."

Addy had to pull even further away from him, had to purposefully go through the pain of enduring a thousand powerful senses drowning her, all so that she could avoid feeling the hurt she'd just caused Bucky. Want, that word was the true killer.

He was silent for a moment, only a moment though. Bucky let out a scoff mixed in with a bitter chuckle harbouring no actual joy. "Ouch, at least try and spare some of my feelings."

"I…" What could she possibly say in response? She was too scared to tell him that she actually really liked him, too scared to dedicate herself and her barely kept together heart to him because the past had taught her such things could never end up well. She chose to keep silent on the matter. "I'll go find Steve," she told Bucky, already walking away.

"Addy, please," he begged, but she didn't listen, already too far gone.

She fell into the crowd, not even able to get upset or cry over the matter as she couldn't distinguish between her own feelings and those belonging to the hundreds of people surrounding her. Her mission to search for Steve didn't begin immediately because of it, her feet guiding her rather than she was guiding her feet. It was what led her to walk into a red curtain, the fabric surprising her, which in turn made the strawberry blonde push out her hands and swing them wildly until she passed through it, entering some sort of backroom that was filled with people.

One of them, a man dressed in a suit and fedora, marched straight up to her. "You can't be here," he told her, acting as though the fact that she'd stepped into the back room had actually offended him.

Surprised at his aghast behaviour, Addy's nerves got the best of her, making her words fall out limply from her lips in a mess of stutters, the strawberry blonde unaware of the attention she was drawing. "Oh, sorry-"

"Wait," a voice called, the both of them turning to look at its source. In the corner, sat on the plushest seat in the room, which looked considerably out of place when compared to the stools that were placed in front of make-up stations, a cigar leaking smoke in his hand, a girl in a scantily designed tuxedo on his lap, was none of other than Howard Stark. His eyes were fixed on her, remaining there as he rose from his seat, pushing away the girl that had been sat on top of his lap. "She's fine," Howard ordained, wandering over with confidence striking every step he made, "you want an autograph, right?"

"Uh… I- I don't have any paper?" He'd sounded so self-assured that it made her not want to disappoint him, but after pressing her pockets (empty except for her keys and a piece of red string) she had no choice but to hold her hands up in an 'oops' position.

"Well that's fine, Jack can go get some, can't you?" Howard smiled towards the man who'd previously tried to remove her from the room, though Addy knew the smile didn't mean anything. Whatever Howard wanted, he got. Jack seemed to have that same realisation as he did his best to hide a huff before walking off to go find some paper for Howard to sign. Once the two were left alone, Howard turned back to give Addy his full attention, his dark brown eyes passing over her body top to bottom, pausing on the wild curls she'd pinned back, the complete opposite of the intricately styled hair of every other dame in that room. The millionaire leant forward. "So, are you enjoying the show so far?"

Slowly, she nodded, doing her best to focus on his spirit so she could get a good sense of him but it was difficult as every person in that room seemed to share the same sort of overpowering greed, like they'd been starved for days, but it wasn't food that they craved. "Yeah, there's some pretty neat stuff here," she delivered her views with an airy voice, her concentration not entirely placed in their conversation as Bucky's face moments before she'd left him had stuck to the walls of her brain.

Addy shook her head, realising that it was quite rude of her to be doing so, also noting that she had an opportunity in front of her that most didn't get. Howard Stark was a genius, taking America into the future one step at a time, to have a conversation with him should have been an honour.

The strawberry blonde did her best to focus on him rather than her preferred brunet. "Though I am sorry about what happened to the car, was it a heating problem or an electricity problem?"

He'd been taking another puff of his cigar when she'd brought up his failed invention, though it hadn't been the topic that had stunned him, but rather the question she'd asked. "Excuse me?"

"On the car," she specified, unsure of how he could have misunderstood her but choosing to not mention it. Even she fell victim to the exact same thing Jack had, Howard Stark was a well-known person, a celebrity and an intellect, that made him powerful and everyone who came into contact with him fell victim to an inferiority complex.

He put his cigarette down on one of the tables in an empty pot Addy was pretty sure hadn't originally been an ashtray. Howard was intrigued by the woman before him, not just because of her pale skin and outlandish hair, but because she was managing to drive a conversation. He liked that in a woman. "Uh… it was both, actually," the genius confessed, not usually one to admit his mistakes but he wanted to see where the conversation could go.

"Oh," she muttered shyly. Her expression suddenly widened, her behaviour making the metaphor of a lightbulb going off above her head even more realistic as her eyes light up. "Oh, so I'm guessing the fans you put in took up too much power and failed." As she spoke Howard's lips raised to one side, his eyes lighting up almost as brightly as hers had, but it wasn't because Addy had been able to figure out something. "That should be an easy fix though," she finished, waving her hand in his direction.

"You know about engines?"

"I know a lot of things, but very little at the same time," she remarked, feeling like it would have been an insult to him if she called herself intelligent. _He_ was intelligent, she just knew things.

"Pretty and smart, that's exactly how I like my women," Howard took another step towards her, and Addy felt like the quiet girl from four years ago once more as she became suffocated by his presence, so aware of his body and what it was doing that it was hard to focus on anything else. It felt like her body was running a safety protocol, placing all of her attention on his limbs so she'd be sure that he wouldn't move to attack her.

"Uh," she sounded, her safety protocol allowing her to also focus solely on his sense which told her all she needed to know about Howard Stark and his intentions. He didn't actually want to have a conversation with her, he wanted something far worse. "Yes, well, like I said, I'm not that smart."

"But you are very pretty," he reached out to brush a stray wild curl behind her ear, the move usually causing most of his escapades to blush and swoon, but all Addy did was wince, her eyes shutting tightly and her body becoming completely stationary. He'd seen that behaviour before in animals that played dead in order to avoid being attacked by predators. Howard immediately dropped his hand.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose," she mumbled, her arms tightly crossing in front of her body, hoping her chubby limbs would help create some room between them.

"Perhaps you should come over to my lab tonight, I could show you some equations," he offered, not moving to make any more contact with her which eased her slightly, but his words showed that his goal for her was still of the impure kind.

"I'm terrible at math," Addy attempted to excuse, nodding her head so that her hair could fall back down in front of her face, touching where his finger had brushed and left her skin crawling like a cockroach had burrowed beneath her flesh and was making a home on that exact spot.

"Maybe I could teach you some equations, then." Howard wasn't the type to give up so easily, if he was then he never would have made it to the luxury lifestyle he had. As she tried to conjure another excuse to use against him, Jack returned with more than just a piece of paper, he'd brought one of the A3 posters for the expo which depicted Howard Stark proudly looking up to the stars, his final frontier. "Ah, thank you, Jack," he politely accepted the paper and the pen Jack had gone out of his way to get, beginning to sign the left corner, giving Addy plenty of time to think of a way to get out of their conversation.

She gulped, watching him fill in most of the corner with wary eyes. "You know, I would love to, but I'm actually on a date right now with a friend and I can't leave them. That's why I ended up here actually, I'm trying to find them." It was half a truth, but she'd learnt through surviving her childhood that it was the best way to tell lies, to wrap it in a bow of truth and present it with confidence. Though she stuttered, she figured she'd still managed to perform her words convincingly enough.

He looked at her for a second, and she knew that he was analysing her just as much as she was him, trying to gouge whether or not she was telling the truth. He surprised her by finishing the signature with flamboyant flare and passing it to her in the same manner, the sheet of paper making a slapping sound. "Well, for after you find them, here's my autograph," he winked over to her, and she didn't understand why until she looked down at his signature and saw what addition he'd made.

"Uh, thanks…" Addy pulled the paper close to her chest, beginning to take a step back. He waved her off with a smile, his confidence oozing once more but it became lost amongst everyone else's spirit as she managed to leave the room. She heard from inside the tent him calling Maddy over, and it relaxed her slightly because it meant he'd given up on her, at least for the moment. She looked down at the paper again, beginning to chuckle to herself again. She'd just met _the_ Howard Stark and he'd tried to make a move on her. She wondered for a moment, if she were normal, would her night be ending in his lab, or perhaps in a different room he owned.

Deciding it would be better for her mental health to not ponder over such things, she looked back up, choosing to concentrate on her initial mission after being successfully distracted from her quarrel with James. What Addy hadn't expected, was to be given an answer so soon. Across from her a few metres away there was a registration tent set up for people to go sign up for the war, it didn't take a genius to guess that that was where Steve would have gone.

"Oh, Steve," she muttered sadly, deciding that someone else would be better suited to talk him out of it.

A few weeks before that night Addy and Steve had already shared a heated debate on war, him taking the stand that it wasn't about killing, it was about protecting those who couldn't take care of themselves, and about taking down bullies. She'd disagreed, saying that he was sugar-coating it. It was about killing, and because the only thing Addy had ever had to fight for was her own life, and that was something which didn't require killing, she just couldn't understand how it was necessary for people to put their lives on the line for such a thing. James had broken up the exchange before things got too vehement.

It didn't take long for her to find Bucky, mostly because she was able to locate his spirit in seconds. It was slightly irritating as she followed his trail though, as surrounding it was something akin to an animal in heat. She found him stood between Connie and Bonnie, the three of them examining a display of a futuristic suit that acclaimed to give the person wearing it powers. As if such a thing existed, she scoffed to herself internally.

"I found him," Addy announced, not bothering to greet any of them.

Bucky turned, relieved to see her again as he'd thought of nothing but her since she'd left, struggling to be a gentleman and entertain the two ladies as all he'd wanted to do was rejoin Addy's side. It felt strange, being so close together yet not being stuck to one another's side. "Really?"

"There's a recruitment tent," she nodded over towards the direction she'd just came from, also moving her hand to point over towards it but she was reminded of the signed poster in her hand as it flapped where she'd wanted to point her hand. "Oh, here, happy birthday." She handed it over to Connie, feeling like the female brunette would appreciate it far more than she did.

"It's not my birthday," Connie stated, ready to throw the poster back in Addy's face but her eyes zoned in on the black scribble at the bottom of the poster. "Wait, is this Howard Stark's telephone number?"

"What?" Bucky stepped closer to Connie so he could peer at the poster too, not realising that his movements had made Addy want to actually _growl_. When he saw the signature accompanied by a phone number his eyes froze on the strawberry blonde, the newly appointed soldier adopting a green monster of his own. "When did you get that?"

"Doesn't matter," Addy told him, not wanting to revisit the events in her own mind as they were just as baffling to her as they would be to him. "You better go stop Steve from being an idiot, I think I'm just going to go home."

Bucky's face dropped. "Well, can't you wait a minute? I should walk you home."

Her instant response was a shake of her head, the strawberry blonde already decided on what her next move should be. "No, you should walk those two home, I can protect myself." Once again she refused to let him argue, mostly because she knew he'd be able to convince her to do differently in a heartbeat. She needed to get away from him quickly. She'd done what he'd requested, gone on the date for Steve and found Bucky's best friend whilst he took care of the two dates, Addy hoped he would return the favour by doing what she asked.

The strawberry blonde did pause on her journey out of the expo, her speed-walking coming to a halt when she almost walked into the faceless soldier. He stood completely still in front of her, as per usual staring deep into her soul, his suit crinkled and the bottom of his pants dirtied by a suspiciously red substance. She was already too wound up by Connie and Bonnie to let the faceless soldier inspire any fear inside of her. Addy chose to ignore him the same way she could easily ignore things such as feelings, leaving the expo and getting on the first bus back to her apartment.

The journey was longer than she wanted and as her defences were down, regret did seep across her heart. It had been a mistake deciding to go home alone because that gave her time to think, and her thoughts were a curse a lot of the time, unless she was researching or working, then her thoughts became a downward spiral there was no escape from. A rabbit hole that didn't have some wondrous end, just a black hole that sucked her in and made her feel lost. Lost and alone and cold.

That was exactly how she felt as she returned home, comforted somewhat by the plants that greeted her when she got home. She did her usual routine, watering every plant and then getting ready for bed, wishing the entire time that the routine could have kept her sane.

Nothing felt okay anymore though, not even the routine felt normal, everything was somehow different, all because she'd fallen out with Bucky.

That night Addy did a lot of wishing on those fireworks Howard had gifted the night sky. She wished that Bucky wasn't leaving for the war, she wished that she wasn't so attached, and at the same time, she wished that she could just hand him her heart tied in a ribbon without any issues of doing so.

She wished that she could just be _normal_.

At around eleven, just as she began to slip into bed, there was a knock on the door.

* * *

 **A/N: How are you guys feeling about the story so far, especially now that we're getting into the main plot of TFA?**

 **Beta'd by OfSeashellsandStars**

 **To SunnsySides, honestly same with the pre-crash fanfictions but it's not because I don't like tragedy, honestly I love it, but it's just because there's not much that can be done with TFA. This was only going to be flashbacks within the main plot (part two and part three) but in the end it felt like you'd be missing out on so much and the connection just wouldn't feel real between Addy and Bucky if you didn't understand all the history they have. And with regards to your comments, wowowow thank you so much, I'm so happy I could provide you with such a story. Don't worry about updating, I have a good flow going now and hopefully it will last, eventually I may end up bringing things down to one chapter a week but that's only because I have a job now aha. But seriously, thank you so much for these kind words and I sincerely hope you enjoy the rest of the story.**

 **To Assbitch67, I think when I started creating her character I was reading a lot of Sherlock fanfiction so that inspired me a little. She likes things to make sense, looking to facts rather than feelings, which is why she struggles so much with her sense. And yes, they're adorable, perhaps too adorable, I think I should break them up, or kill one of them. The world needs some balance.**

 **To LoveFiction2019, happy to hear it!**

 **And a big thank yous to everyone that read the chapter! Just a reminder that reviews motivate me more, even if it's just a 'yo, wtf m8' that's good enough for me.**


	13. Chapter Eleven

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

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"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

― **J.M. Barrie**

* * *

"Hey," Bucky greeted after Addy had fully opened the door, the strawberry blonde fully aware of who'd been standing on the other side before she'd even opened it. A perk of her curse, she'd call it.

Addy chose to lean casually against her door, tightening the dressing gown she wore across her figure despite underneath being dressed in a plain white floor-length nightgown.

"Hi," she greeted back, voice mirroring the stilted, uncomfortable, tone that Bucky had used. His discomfort over the situation was made clear before Addy even had a chance to analyse his body language. His back was fixed in as straight a line as the human body was able to manage, his attention directed on only her, as though she were the most important mission in his life. Addy supposed that deep down he had always been a soldier, ready for the war, he'd been raised on an army base after all.

Meanwhile, Addy had been brought up during her own war, learning how unnecessary violence was as it chipped away at her spirit and stole her childhood. As Addy mused over the situation, she wondered if that was why the night had ended in such an unsatisfactory way, if it had always been an inevitable ending because the way they'd been raised differed so much.

"Did you manage to get Steve?" Addy asked, wanting to avoid the conversation he was there to discuss. She had actually been worrying about the smaller blond through the night, though she'd be ashamed to admit that most of her thoughts had centred on Bucky.

The lonely bus ride had given her the opportunity to transform her situation to one that her mother had experienced, an unhappy ending destined from the start because Addy simply wasn't suited to the life he wanted, like a piece of broken pottery, incapable of holding any liquid. The liquid in that scenario representing Bucky's friendship and the closeness they'd formed. Though it had certainly taken a while, almost five years, the leaks had started and Addy didn't know how to hold on anymore, didn't know how to stop their relationship from leaking out of the holes that had formed during her childhood. It was what made the conversation feel so lame, so empty, so _hopeless_.

Bucky shook his head from side to side, recalling the moment that had occurred hours ago when he'd found Steve exactly where she'd said he would be. "He wouldn't leave with me, wanted to have another go at joining the war, it's not like he's failed the past fifty attempts."

Addy suspired along with Bucky, both of them disappointed by the choice Steve had made. "Let's hope he's not gone and gotten himself arrested," she commented, having no issue with keeping the subject matter fixed on Steve as long as it prevented the conversation of their terminated relationship.

There truly was no doubt in her mind that their friendship was over, that was what logic told her. Addy's mother had lived a life of enduring the exact same thing almost every month, it was only a matter of time before she started to follow the same fate.

She'd started liking him more than a friend so the result was her own fault; the moment she dared cross the line was the moment that the Earth began to collapse beneath her feet.

"I'm sure we'll be getting a call soon if he has gotten himself arrested," Bucky noted, his shoulders rolling as he did something with his hand that had remained pressed behind his back.

"Who's going to bail him out though?" She questioned, crossing her own arms across her chest, clearly already well aware of the answer.

Bucky chuckled. "Group effort?" He suggested.

"Sure, that makes sense," she mumbled with an extravagant roll of her eyes, making her frustration towards Steve and his desired purpose in life palpable.

Despite her slightly self-righteous tone, Bucky was able to understand that Addy's disappointment actually came from a place of concern. All it took was for him to read between the lines. "He'll be fine, he may be incredibly dumb but he's also pretty smart." Bucky decided to ignore the mask she wore, offering a little bit of reassurance he'd also had to give himself when first leaving Steve's side in the recruitment tent, deciding to take Bonnie and Connie home as quick as he possibly could so that he was able to go apologise to Addy. "Not as much as you, of course," he added.

Almost immediately Addy began to shake her head, the same instinct that had come into fruition when interacting with Howard Stark, lowering her self-esteem to a point where it was barely visible to the naked eye. "I'm not that smart."

"Not when you say things like that," Bucky attempted to joke in the hopes that he'd ease some of the tension that had thickened every time a single second of silence lasted in their exchange.

Addy understood what he was trying to do, attempting to inspire some confidence without allowing his words to be too obvious, but after that night any confidence that she'd allowed to build over the past few years had collapsed, covering her in a fog of dust that did not permit her to see anything over than the dark recesses of her mind. "I just read books," the strawberry blonde simplified.

"And take apart electronics, and analyse both equipment and humans, and see the future, and generally just know things most others don't," Bucky listed, leaning against the door as well, making a show of how easy it was to conjure up reasons on why she was the most intelligent person he knew. "You're very smart Addy, dare I say, a _genius_."

"No, I'm really not."

"Yes, you really are," he swiftly denied, eyebrows coming together as he observed her exhale a heavy breath, half expecting greyish smoke to puff out of her flaring nostrils.

She always refused to acknowledge the best part of herself, painting it as a fabrication Bucky was trying to decorate her with, rather than something she owned naturally, as much a part of her as the skeleton that carried her body.

It frustrated her, or, it scared her and she had too much pride to admit that he was doing anything more but telling him she was wrong. Why else would her mother had treated her like a pathetic fool for most of her life?

She had no other choice, she wasn't enjoying their current conversation so she needed to change the subject. Annoyingly, the only other subject they had to discuss was just as terrible.

"James," she snapped, "what are you doing here?" Addy felt like she made her point of view pretty clear after the failure of their not-date.

Her question was his signal, Bucky revealing that he hadn't been standing with his arms behind his back just so he could come across as a professional soldier. He put his hands in front of his body, unveiling a second bouquet and a large bottle of whiskey. Once again the bouquet consisted only of daisies and it was clear he'd actually travelled somewhere to get those particular flowers as it was far too late to purchase them at a florist, plus, they weren't bundled together very professionally. Daisies were Addy's favourite flower, her rooftop filled with a bunch of them. Or, it had been until ten minutes earlier he ransacked the rooftop. Bucky didn't really see it as stealing though, Addy would eventually put them back.

"I'm really sorry for what happened," Bucky professed, tone determined and genuine, his emotions matching everything his voice portrayed which was actually more concerning for Addy, because despite the integrity he portrayed, Bucky was still keeping something from her and that only implored more doubt.

But Addy liked him, a lot, she could admit that finally, and that meant she could resignedly admit that she was more willing to overlook his discretions than she would anyone else. She wanted them to be okay again. "It's not your fault," she explained, raising her shoulders up, "I told you I can't fall in love, so I had no right to get so…"

"Jealous?" Bucky provided.

"Yeah," she mumbled, immediately clearing her throat and casting her eyes over to one of the duller plants in her apartment, as though it was the most interesting one she possessed. It helped somewhat with putting the heathenous butterflies to rest after they'd been drawn in by the fresh daisies James had presented.

"Well, I promised to wait for you and I didn't- and I _don't_ plan on _ever_ breaking that promise." It was funny, before Addy had become a constant in his life, Bucky had never been very good with his words, always choosing to use his actions as they were always so much more fun, but after befriending her he'd had no use but start making use of words as she'd always found comfort in the silence and refused to remove herself from it.

The soldier took another step forward, testing the waters, and he was thankful when Addy made no move to back away. "If I'm being completely honest," he started, lowering his voice to the point where it almost sounded like he was telling her a secret, "I'm actually a little hurt that you've started doubting me just because of someone flirting with me, I told you that she was meant to be Steve's date, not mine." Addy opened her mouth to respond to him, but Bucky was one step ahead of her, holding up one finger as he interrupted her. "And don't you dare say 'well she didn't know that' because it doesn't matter, what matters is that _you_ were the one I wanted to spend my night with, it's why I'm here."

Bucky had made his case and he'd made it very clear, to the point where Addy hadn't even had a choice but to accept it as gospel.

She released a long exhale, the exiting oxygen carrying with it both her self-doubts and all the doubts she wrongfully harboured for him. Perhaps it was a mistake though, as all that was left was the splinters her mother had pierced her with. _They always leave in the end_ , that was what her mother had promised.

"I'm- I'm sorry," neither Bucky nor Addy were sure what she was apologising for, the strawberry blonde having to courageously dig deeper into the guilt swimming in her lungs, something she wouldn't do for anyone but the brunet. That was the thing about James though, he drove her to do risky things that Addy wouldn't have even considered before. His belief in her encouraged her, providing her with enough bravery to admit to him, albeit shyly, "James, I'm- I'm really scared of losing you."

The soldier couldn't prevent his body from leaping over towards her, his heart bouncing around his chest as _finally_ she revealed the emotions she'd kept more secret than he had the information of his departure in the morning.

Bucky's hugs could never be long enough for Addy. In his arms she was safe, all her concerns and anxieties disappearing like rain water on summer earth. In his embrace she was cocooned better than a butterfly-to-be. His skin soft, his touch gentle, yet tight, yet comfortable, all at the same time. She bathed herself in his warmth, something that came from more than just his body against hers. The both of them knew that no matter how long the embrace did last, it certainly wouldn't be long enough.

"You're making me into a parrot I have to repeat myself so much." He had to make some sort of joke, he _had_ to make her smile even just a little bit, because he could see her eyes begin to water and there was no way he'd ever let her cry. And for as long as he could prevent it, he would not allow her to cry over _him_. "I'm never going to leave you, you're never going to lose me, and I will wait for you as long as you need me to. You are what is at the end of my red string, that means you're worth waiting for." Whilst keeping one arm wound around her waist, he raised up the other arm so that he could hold up his ring finger in front of her face, making a display of the red string he'd wrapped around the appendage.

They remained in a peaceful moment of silence, Addy holding on tightly to the thought that Bucky would never abandon her for as long as he held onto that red string. It comforted her somewhat, though not as much as hearing his secret would.

That didn't occur to Bucky as he grabbed a hold of the bottle of whiskey in the hand he'd previously shown Addy the red string with, raising it up in celebration. "So, rooftop?" It was a request, the soldier waiting patiently for her response.

"Fine," Addy relented, deciding a second on the rooftop with him would be worth his withheld secret. Any second would be worth it as she harboured her own secret from him, so hidden that even she couldn't see it. He let out a cheer, making the strawberry blonde roll her eyes. "Meatball."

"And you're still a doll," he easily responded, letting her go so she could step away.

Addy began to travel towards her bedroom. "I'll go get the blanket you get the glasses, you remember where they are?"

"Above Charles," he informed her, following her lead but departing as he stepped into the living room/kitchen, making his way towards a cupboard near the sink. Charles was a succulent that she'd left to absorb more of the sunlight that slipped in through the window above the sink, it was also the first cactus she'd ever got, holding a special place in her heart. The glasses he took from the cupboard were small, especially bought for their moment together. He abandoned the daisies in the kitchen, knowing that Addy wouldn't allow them to remain there for too long, giving them their own home in a vase, or even a plant pot if she desired to make them last longer, something he actually doubted as she already had three other pots blooming daisies in them.

He rejoined her in the hallway and together they made their way up to the rooftop, a special, secluded, area that no one other than the janitor knew about. The janitor, funnily enough _also_ named Charles, had given Addy permission to use the rooftop long ago after learning about what she'd been doing in the space, creating the kind of fantastical forest that could only ever be found in Central Park or along the outskirts of the city.

Addy dropped the blankets on the two seats that matched the white metal table held in the middle, close to the edge so they'd be able to see the skyline without any plants getting in their way. Bucky dropped the glasses down on the table and immediately began to fill them, the pair quickly inhaling the liquid and repeating the same thing two more times. It was a tradition to drink three shots of whiskey when they were on the roof because after a few minutes it would provide them with a pleasurable buzz.

The strawberry blonde felt more safe with her consumption of whiskey, it's taste far more harsh than the wine her mother would down with the intent of abusing the alcohol to make her forget about life and all of its problems.

After finishing the drink, they'd stare over to the skyline, their bodies covered by thick wool blankets so the harshness of the nights cold wouldn't touch them. The skyline held a beauty in its own right, the orange dots that lit up multiple buildings far more beautiful to Addy than the fireworks Howard had decorated the night sky with because those lights held _life_ in them, only ever lit by human beings. People that had chosen to stay awake at that time, to enjoy their existence more, to be merry or be sad, it didn't matter as it was all the same to Addy. It was still people that were alive despite what life might have held for them that day, exactly the same as her.

Bucky's eyes were fixed on something else that Stark would never be able to achieve even with all the intelligence, riches, and science that he possessed. A particular strawberry blonde that he found far more interesting than any star, firework, or flame of life. "You must hate this city," he commented, unable to read the marvel she felt towards the skyline as she looked over to it without any expression on her face.

The first emotion she showed him was when she turned to look at him, her eyebrows crushing together, creating creases between them and lines beside her eyes. "Why?" Addy asked.

"You can't really have a garden here, and it must be ten times harder to look after your plants. There are so many people here, so much stone," Bucky listed his reasons as he looked away to what she'd been staring at previously, not wanting to make her uncomfortable with the way he looked at her almost obsessively, choosing to analyse her rather than the rare view in front of them.

"You're wrong," Addy whispered after a pause, making him look back at her as she'd surprised him by suggesting that he'd read her wrongly, something Bucky had thought he'd gotten the hang of quite well before that moment. The strawberry blonde turned back to the skyline as well, mirroring his wish to not gift the information that she'd much rather be staring at him as well. "Sure, I'd love to have a garden, but for now I'm just fine my apartment. It's my friends that make this place a home, they're all I need."

"I thought I was your only friend," he responded, intending it to be a joke.

"Exactly." Finally, the pair looked to one another unabashed, staring into each other's soul. Though Bucky did not possess the ability to see her past, present, or future, he saw what he wished to see. Him, in her life permanently. "And whenever you're not here, I hope you know you're taking my home with you, so you better hurry up and win that war, so you can bring home back to me."

It went without saying that his intention was always going to be to return to her, no matter what they went through. "Of course, doll," Bucky nodded determinedly.

Addy wanted to reply with more, wanted to finally leak out the truth that her feelings for him had grown into something predictable, wanted to move her chair closer to his so that they could fall asleep beside one another, no care for the traditions of modern society where a female and male couldn't be so close to one another without marriage being on the table. But all she could give, all her body released, was a long yawn. "I don't know how long I can do this, I'm actually really tired," the strawberry blonde confessed, rubbing at her eyes to try and rid the sleep. She didn't want the night to end. Hell, she didn't want that moment to end.

That precious moment that only the two of them would be able to remember, layered beneath clothing and a blanket, yet completely bare, both of their hearts held not by the cage of their ribs, but on their sleeves that laid outstretched across the arm, fingers almost conjoining but the slight, insignificant distance preventing them from doing so. It was a night she knew would become even more precious once he left for the war, which is why even as it was happening, she was holding onto it as tightly as she would the red string that connected them.

"Yeah, being jealous must have really taken it out of you," Bucky chuckled. Without even being asked to, he discarded his blanket for a moment so that he could shuffle his chair even closer to hers, resting it intimately close beside her seat before sitting down, grasping her hand firmly and absentmindedly as he settled back in the chair and placed the blanket back over his body.

Once he was settled, she leant closer and rested her head against his shoulder, "Shut up."

He let out another laugh, one she decided to commit to memory, adding it to the collection of things she'd already memorized about him. The past had taught her that laughing was a noise which came from the mouth, but Bucky had shown her differently, his laugh springing from his eyes, his entire face changing into a vision of unrestrained mirth. But it wasn't really in his face either, that was just a highlight. It erupted from within him, his body wired in such a way, and perhaps that unique joy was the reason so many people wanted to drown themselves in him. She supposed his brain was just more flexible than others, all the humour bubbling within him a reflection of his synapses doing some form of yoga.

Truly, a minute spent around him was better than a whole day of self-absorbed pampering in an all-day spa. Just the sound of his gales, his snickers, his giggles, was enough to transport Addy far, far away from the worries and tensions of her life. So maybe, just maybe, if she committed it to memory, then she wouldn't have to let go of that sensation when he left her.

The laugh soon faded but she forced it to repeat in her head, closing her eyes and allowing her body to slip into the sound as though it were a lagoon of hot water that draped across her body with the gentleness of water and the power of lava.

Because her eyes were closed, she did not see Bucky become once again fascinated with her, recording in his own memory the way she looked when she wasn't overthinking everything. Her face was relaxed, her nose small at the centre of her roundish face; her eyelashes so light they were practically invisible but the shadows cast by them allowing him to appreciate the almost unbelievable length of them; Her lips as thick as a flower petal and as long as a stem pressed into a natural smile that the soldier knew he'd envision whenever facing the barrel of a gun. She truly was the epitome of beauty, even if her sort of looks would never be found on stage or in a movie. Bucky had surmised long ago that the reason for such a horrible mistake by advertisers was because her looks were too real, mirroring the emotions and personality that she harboured, the walking goddess a tapestry for the harsh realities of normal life whilst also telling of a future where humans went on, adversaries a challenge they could rise to.

He truly did love her, despite knowing that the strawberry blonde might never be capable of returning the feelings, he _loved_ her. Adored the ground she walked on, was mesmerised by every word she said, weak to her smile and her eyes and every word she said to him. He loved her, not in the way he loved Steve as his best friend, not even in the way he adored his foster families that had raised him to be the gentlemen he was. He loved her in a unique way, a special home carved into his heart just for her.

"Addy…" He whispered quietly, slowly, not wanting to wake her up if she had actually fallen asleep with her head pressed close against his body.

"Mm?" She hummed, unable to form words as she was already gliding through the clouds of sleep.

"How did you get Howard Stark's phone number?" It was something he'd been pondering ever since Connie had accepted the gift, showing it off many times to her friend, immediately losing interest in Bucky as a new option had risen that she'd clearly found far more alluring.

Addy laughed, a new laugh that he'd never been privileged to hear before, and if Bucky was standing he was sure his legs would collapse beneath him as the usual melodic giggle was lowered to a husky, croaky, ring. "Green doesn't suit you, James," she teased, echoing a similar joke he'd made earlier.

"Bucky," he replied, choosing to only comment on that as he realised she was right. He'd never gotten jealous of a girl before.

Then again, Addy wasn't just some girl.

An hour passed of the strawberry blonde genius slipping deeper into sleep, her body accepting the warm sand of dreariness and falling limp against Bucky whilst he remained wide awake, a switch of personalities that neither could have seen coming. He was worried, and whilst she slipped into the comforts of dreams, he was beginning to drown in the ferocity of anxiety as time marched on without any care for him. It made him want to curse it, to curse god, because they hadn't been provided with enough time to be together.

As dawn peaked above the skyline, he took that as God's own hint that it was time for him to leave her side. And though he didn't like it _at all_ , Bucky was still able to acknowledge that he had no choice.

Gently, he began to push the strawberry blonde away from him, his heart aching more than he'd believed possible. The soldier felt an actual sword strike his chest as she reached out and held onto his arm, making it even more of a struggle to leave her. He allowed both himself and Addy a second of intimacy, his arm remaining locked in her grip as he leaned over, brushing one wild strand of curls aside so he could touch her head with a firm kiss that lasted a moment too long, even though it felt like it ended a moment too soon. Slowly he lifted his head from hers and his arm from her soft hands, picking from his pocket a letter that he placed on the chair he'd once rested in.

"I'm so sorry, Addy." And with those words, he was gone.

His absence going unnoticed as she was held by sleep, only becoming clear as morning fully arrived and Addy awoke, expecting to feel the warmth of James beside her but only finding an empty space and a piece of paper. Curious, she wiped the sleep from her eyes and opened it up, beginning to read the words messily scrawled on it.

 _Dear an absolute doll,_

 _This might just be the hardest thing I ever do, harder than any war, any battle. By the time you're reading this I'll be shipped off to England with some other soldiers. I know what you're probably thinking right now, that I'm the worst human being in existence for leaving you right now, believe me when I say that I feel like I am the worst human being in existence. I'm not sure why I decided not to tell you, I think I just wanted to enjoy our last moments together without knowing you secretly hate me._

 _Would it help if I listed all the things I'll miss about you? Because that's honestly all I can think about. Your smile, your laugh, your plants, your rooftop, Bartholomew, walking you home, the great whiskey you always manage to find, the way you call me meatball, how much you enjoy the rain, the way you look in the rain, your hair wilder than ever, the way you look at me, your eyes, the only forest I'll ever feel privileged to see, the way you look when you start babbling about something I'll never truly understand, the way you understand things so easily._

 _Have I started sounding too romantic yet? Probably. Frankly my dear, I do not give a damn!_

 _My point here, is that I'll miss you. I'll miss you so much I know some days I won't be able to bear it. This letter is my opportunity to tell you such things and I'd be a fool to let it slip through my fingers._

 _All those dates with Steve? They were all secretly meant to be dates for us, I'm not sure that they worked but I don't care, they are all my happiest memories. And, though I know you'll hate me for saying this, if I die tomorrow I will die a happy man because I got to spend most of my life with you. There were some days when I was growing up that I thought I'd never find you again, I'm so happy that I did._

 _Addy, what I'm trying to say in this jumble of words (my fiftieth attempt of stringing them together, actually) is that you are one of a kind. You're not broken, you're certainly not ugly. You're my doll, but you're not fragile. You've taken more punches and hits than most and you've survived. I know I tell you this all the time, to the point where I've become a broken record, but you're meant for greater things and one day you will achieve them. It would be my honour to stand next to you on those days. I'm repeating this all again so that you can look back on this letter during those moments when I'm not by your side, and so that you know I can't apologise enough for every second of those moments._

 _I can't apologise enough for leaving you the way I have, for not telling you the truth, if you can never forgive me I will understand and whenever I return I promise to spend every day trying to win your forgiveness._

 _Just know that no matter where I am, you will always be able to find me at the end of our red string. Yes, I am taking it with me and yes, I am prepared for all the bullying I get from the other soldiers. It will be worth it. You, my favourite doll, are_ _ **worth it**_ _._

 _Forever yours (I can't help myself, I really am a hopeless romantic, just for you though), your meatball._

And there it was, the strawberry blonde thought to herself as she placed the piece of paper down and looked up at the empty sky, there was the secret he'd been keeping from her.

* * *

 **A/N: Apologetic Bucky is apologetic. Anyway kids, strap yourself in for a wild ride over the next couple of chapters, they were hard to write but hopefully won't be hard for you to read aha.**

 **To Purplestan, oh thank you so much! I'm apparently updating this thirty minutes after your last review so at least you didn't have to wait long. As for the age thing, I honestly have no excuse, I'm British and it completely slipped my mind the American drinking limit, but also I know when I was planning this I decided Addy would be an underage drinker anyway just because she's curious of what attracting her mum to it, but then she only drinks whiskey to try and pretend like she's not being like her mother. There's a lot of layers to Addy, some good, some bad. And the most exciting thing is that from here we get to see some of them shine.**

 **To LoveFiction2019, thank you!**

 **To SomebodyWhoCares, I feel like that is just Addy's and Steve's inner thoughts throughout the first part of this fanfic lol**

 **To SunnySides, well you just managed to guess which one it's going to be but spoilers so I'll leave ya guessing. Thanks for understanding with TFA, I'm getting near the end and I'm quite happy with how it's all coming up together, it's just the middle I'm worried about. And I get what you mean about third wheel which is why I haven't skipped over the tiem space where she'll be without Bucky and Steve because I think that's going to allow everyone to get a better read on who she is and what she can offer to the team past her anxieties and angst.**

 **To Cash1122, we stan jealous queens!**

 **To Assbitch67, Sassy Steve is the real hero the world needs, not Captain America, or a kid from Brooklyn, we need Sassy Steve. And dude, you know how much I love my cliffhangers, they make me feel powerful :P**

 **AND A BIG THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT READ THE CHAPTER, I look forward to hearing your thoughts on how cruel I am as a writer for not letting them just become boyfriend and girlfriend.**


	14. Chapter Twelve

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

* * *

" **Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting**

― **J.M. Barrie**

* * *

 _Dear the girl with forests in her eyes,_  
 _I know I said that I would understand if you hated me for leaving you, but I still haven't received a letter from you and, to be honest, the silence is becoming unbearable. We used to see each other every day, and now that we can't do that, I find myself missing you more than ever. I remember at one point the hardest thing I ever had to do was last a day without seeing you because your mother was home and you needed to take care of her, I now realise that I was just being naive. The past two weeks have made that very clear._  
 _The worst of war has reached England and I've been grouped up with some other soldiers that aren't all that bad. They're loud, but that mostly comes from the positive outlook they bear which I've found is actually quite required. We mostly concentrate on keeping the general public safe and training, but I know they're preparing us for a future mission, and though I know I should be concentrating on that, my mind keeps fixating on other things. It's like I have no control over it. I just keep getting very sad._  
 _I know what you're thinking, me and sad aren't things that really go together. I've always been able to keep myself happy, but I suppose I'd always had you and Steve to keep me from falling over this rocky cliff whenever I got too close. Steve has sent me a letter but it seems he is preoccupied with something else. I'd ask you to go investigate for me but I know I have no right to ask anything of you right now._  
 _The training is hard, I had thought because of my upbringing that I'd be prepared for the trials of being a soldier, again I was strong, another thing to add to all my things that I've been wrong about, which includes not telling you I'd be leaving sooner rather than later. I just really didn't want to see you sad. That didn't work out for either of us._  
 _Anyway, I have to leave for another session of training so I shall end this letter with these words: I miss you_ Addy _, so much._  
 _Love from, a grown man still able to make really dumb and childish mistakes_

 _To the girl with wild hair,_  
 _It has only been one day since I sent the last letter, I know that doesn't leave you with much room to reply but I realised how depressing the last letter I wrote had been and I wanted to fix that._  
 _It really isn't all that bad here, in between our small missions and lengthy training sessions we are given some time to ourselves to relax and be entertained. There's a lot to do here in London and one of the other soldiers here with me, goes by the nickname Dum Dum Dugan (don't ask), has spent a lot of time in the city previously so he was able to show the team some good hang out spots._  
 _The other day he took us to a park that I know you would have actually adored, it was so green, so untouched by the harshness of war. Is it weird that all I could think about was that your rooftop is better? It just goes to show how spectacular your green thumb is. Anyway, we ventured deep into the woodland part of this park, carrying as much beer as we could and then we found the perfect spot to just sit and talk. It was strange but also pleasant, bonding with all these men that one day I'd have to entrust with my life and vice versa. War is crazy, it makes you go crazy, it makes you think there's a bomb around every corner. That was the first time I actually felt like a normal kid from Brooklyn since my last night with you._  
 _I got this strange epiphany that they weren't just soldiers, like_ me _, they are humans with lives, with a past, present and future. I guess that epiphany is the closest I'll ever be able to get to_ experiencing _your powers, huh?_  
 _We talked about a lot of things, our dreams and aspirations before the war, why we joined the army. Eventually, the conversation turned to the women we had waiting for us at home, and I couldn't help but talk about you. I literally wouldn't shut up about you, and no, it wasn't because of the ten pints of beer I'd had beforehand. Eventually I got to telling them about the red string, explaining the soulmate theory and it gave them all a good laugh but I really don't care._  
 _You are my soulmate, as far as I'm concerned._  
 _It also made them ask a lot of questions. They asked if you agreed, I said that I wasn't sure after our last moments together. Another soldier said something I found quite insightful after that. He said rather simply that soulmates don't get a choice, I hope that all the time we've had together proves that I'm important enough to you that you'll overlook my mistakes._  
 _The night ended merrily enough, all those times I'd taken care of Steve preparing me for all the drunken soldiers and, somehow, I managed to get them back to the camp. We got some angry words from the Colonel but it was worth it._  
 _Morning arrived and whilst the rest of them slept I thought of only you, deciding that even if you haven't forgiven me, I'll fight for you, the same way I've fought for our relationship over the past four years._  
 _The following day was pretty difficult for me as I had to cope without any sleep, it was even harder for all the soldiers suffering hangovers._  
 _It's been over a week now but they still keep making jokes about me and you, I don't mind so much, I actually quite enjoy it. I think I've made some real friends here._  
 _I hope you're doing well too. I'll end this letter the same way I did the last letter because those feelings still stand and they will until you finally respond: I miss you, Addy, so much._  
 _Love from, your soulmate, for better and for worse._

 _To the insufferably gorgeous strawberry blonde,_  
 _Another week has passed and I still haven't received a letter from you, I'm officially worried. I'm doing my best to not mollycoddle you but everyone has their limits and I think I've reached mine._  
 _Are you okay? Have you had any more issues with your plumbing? Is Gladys treating you any better? Have you taken more plants up to the rooftop? They really are a hazard in your apartment. Has anyone been bothering you at the bar? I had a word with Alice before I left and she agreed to protect you whilst I'm not around._  
 _As I'm writing this, everyone else is asleep but I've been struggling for the past few nights. That's not me trying to pass the blame onto you or anything like that, please don't misunderstand what I just wrote, I've already thrown away ten other versions of this letter and I can't do it again because this is the last piece of paper I have._  
 _What I'm trying to say is, despite being able to see all the constellations that New York keeps hidden, I hate it. I'd rather see you. It always feels like a sunny summers day when I'm around you, the coldness brought by the moon completely forgotten because I'm so sure that I'll never lose your heat. It's all I want to see right now. You and your smile._  
 _I'll be setting off on my first real mission in one month, we'll be going against a division of the Nazi's called Hydra (though I don't think I'm supposed to tell you that so shush), and all I can think about is seeing you again, just one last time. But I know I can't, so I'll happily accept reading a letter from you, even if it's just one word, a pointless one, like 'phantasmagorical' or something. And yes, that is the biggest word I know._  
 _Just give me something, I'm losing my mind not being able to talk to you. I know I'll always have these letters, and I hope you know that I'll always send them, for as long as I possibly can._  
 _Have I mentioned yet that I miss you? I'm not sure if I'd made that clear enough yet._  
 _Dugan just told me that I should go to bed, but I don't want to end this letter when it's the last connection I'm going to have with you for a while. It's so cold without you here. And by 'it', I mean the world and my skin and my heart and my thoughts. I think I'll be fine if I end up getting tortured because this silence between us is the best training I've ever had for that situation._  
 _Okay, Dugan just threatened me so I suppose I should finish this up before he follows through with his promise. He's like me in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to keeping his promises._  
 _Again, I miss you, so goddamn much._  
 _Love from, a very bad soldier_

 _To the persistent soldier with a heart of gold,_  
 _Phantasmagorical._  
 _Adoration from the sad girl who still cares about you greatly._

Addy had dropped the letter off three days before her shift at Rendez-vous, foolishly believing that the fourty-eight hours would be enough to ferment in her self-destructive thoughts, to the point where she'd return to work as the same quiet girl she was, unaffected by James' actions and the empty space he'd left behind.

Her assumption had been very wrong.

Gladys had taken up the mantel as Addy didn't do as much work as she usually did, spending most of her time performing absent-minded tasks. Normally Gladys would have had many issues with such a thing and have completely no issue with making a big deal about it, but Alice had immediately dragged the theatrical waitress to the side and ordered her to leave the strawberry blonde alone.

"So after he told me 'you can't do that, go get your boss', I responded by saying calmly 'I hate to disappoint you even more with your service today, but I am actually the owner of this establishment' and holy cow Addy, you should have seen his face," Alice laughed out loud, boisterous, throwing her head back and releasing a powerful chortle that turned everyone's head. Everyone's but Addy's, who was staring emptily at the counter, rubbing the same spot with a cloth that she'd been cleaning for the past ten minutes, her mind lost in England with a certain brunet haired soldier. "I mean, there he is, in this suit with a briefcase, a proper business man, a high-class bastard and he was just blown away by the fact that I was the owner. He looked as pathetic as a goldfish. So anyway, after he picked his jaw up off the floor, he accused me of lying. Can you believe that? I mean I guess everyone could believe that actually, look at the world we're living in, all our men out there fighting in the war whilst we're given all the 'delicate' jobs." Alice went off on a tangent from there, one she'd believed Addy would actually be a fan of as they'd conversed on the matter before.

The bar owner never used to talk that much, but ever since Bucky left she'd felt obligated to do so. Addy was sad, every shift, every day, every hour, she was sad.

Alice understood that what had happened to her wasn't something a person could easily ignore, it wasn't like her mother had gone off again or the upstairs neighbours cat had gotten into her apartment and broken some of her plant pots, no, Addy's best friend had left to a place where there was no promise of him ever returning. The strawberry blonde used to spend every day with the man, and the empty space he'd left behind was noticeable to everyone. It was almost like seeing Addy without her head whenever they saw that Bucky wasn't stuck to her side.

So, Alice had given herself the duty of trying to distract her, trying to be Addy's new Bucky. She'd had a conversation with Bucky before he'd left, the soldier deciding she was the best person to rely on when it came to protecting Addy, not just at the bar, but in her everyday life. Alice had immediately told him that there was no need for him to ask, but she did understand why he had. Addy was a priority for the both of them, someone neither of them wanted to see any harm come to.

It had been difficult, Addy becoming even more closed off than she had been before Bucky's 21st birthday, sharing words only when required and leaving her apartment only for work. The biggest issue was that Alice didn't know how to inspire self-belief in her the way that Bucky had always done. Their entire relationship Alice was aware of Addy's wariness towards her and she'd eventually concluded that it came down to the fact that Alice had once been friends with Addy's mother. Despite the friendship ending once Alice realised who Addy's mother really was, it still had the strawberry blonde nervous around her.

"Oh, hey Steve!" Alice spoke loudly, half because she wanted to break Addy out of whatever reverie she'd gotten stuck in, and half because joy had bubbled up inside of her, Addy actually came out of her shell when Steve was near. "Do you want a coffee or something stronger tonight?"

"I'll- I'll just have a water." His words and how he pronounced them immediately had Alice becoming nervous, her emotions matching up with the ones Steve was displaying. He repeatedly glanced over towards Addy before scattering his glances somewhere else, making it very clear (to Alice at least) that he was having anxieties about talking to the strawberry blonde. Alice decided it would be for the best if she didn't put any more pressure on the small man with her presence, going to retrieve his glass of water and taking her time with the task, making sure that she wasn't too far away so step in if things became too much for Addy. The bar owner didn't even have powers but she could still easily sense that Steve had something to say that he believed Addy wouldn't like.

As expected, Addy had immediately perked up at his presence, it was familiar and familiar was exactly what she needed.

After almost a lifetime, Steve had little bits of Bucky in his soul that reminded her of the wonderfully overwhelming sensations Bucky's presence had once upon a time swooned her heart with. And like any addict, even the littlest bit was enough to ease the shakes and the blazing thoughts, just for a moment. She was gifted with refreshing clarity, able to see between the visions and the emotions, able to place herself in a room and identify what people were in it. She was able to feel her own body again.

Alice dropped off a glass of water, quickly scampering away to the other side of the bar to serve Rendez-vous' favourite regular who remained in the bar, drinking alcohol 24/7, a fate neither Alice nor Addy could understand ever choosing.

Steve grabbed a hold of the glass and chugged it down, the same way their regular chugged down every drink put in front of him, even if it was just water or burning coffee meant to sober him up, his mind convincing him that it was supposed to be alcohol for him to drown his body in until the world around him was all gone and all that was left was a desperation to breathe again. It didn't seem Steve needed the alcohol like their resident alcoholic as noticeable sweat gleamed on his forehead and he repeatedly avoided her gaze, adam's apple bobbing as he tried to discard whatever spiders of anxiety had crawled their way up.

"Are you okay?" She questioned.

"Yeah, I, uh- I'm fine, yeah," his jittery response did nothing but push her suspicions further.

"Have you heard anything from James?" She wondered if that was the reason for his clear discomfort, if perhaps something had happened which the brunet soldier wasn't willing to disclose to her in his letters because his original intent was to clearly make her forgive him for leaving to the war.

"Yeah," Steve nodded, and Addy wished he could have felt the way her heart jumped around her chest as she related his answer with some unknown horrific event. "He's doing well, training a lot more for his first mission. He misses you, feels really bad about what happened, but you already know that."

Addy was soothed somewhat by his answer, though anxiety still throttled her skeleton because worrying about James Buchanan Barnes seemed to be all the strawberry blonde was capable of doing ever since she woke up that morning weeks ago, only to find that he'd gone to join the war. "And did you send him a letter back, like I told you to?"

After reading Bucky's first letter she'd immediately sought Steve out, demanding that he write their best friend another letter to soothe his spirit and brighten his mood, even going as far to show Steve the letter she'd received off of him so that she'd have further proof to back up her argument which had been thoroughly convincing. She'd even handed Steve a list of all the things he could say to provide comfort and reassurance to Bucky, something he'd gladly accepted as even on that day just under two weeks ago his mind had clearly been placed somewhere else. Luckily for him, Addy was suffering the exact same thing, her soul attached to James despite their bodies being quite far apart. They were soulmates, after all.

"Yeah," he answered, fingers tapping rhythmically against his empty water glass, "I won't be able to soon though, I'm about to get a lot busier."

"Whether you're busy or not, keep him in mind," she responded quickly, ignorant of his words as all she'd been able to think about was the effect the absence of his words would have had on her favourite soldier. Realising her haste, she added: "I… I don't want him to start feeling lonely."

Her reason was birthed from a guilt blossomed from each word in James' letters, every word a ray of sunlight that had called up her unwilling budding stem like a snake charmer would call up a dancing reptile. She hadn't been able to reply to him because of his departure which she'd been very hurt by. Though she'd never felt a knife in her body, she suspected it was similar to the way she'd felt after reading his goodbye letter. Her eyes hadn't felt dry since that day.

"Addy… I need to tell you something, something you're not going to like," Steve began, releasing the glass so that he could rub his clammy hands against the cream pants he wore.

Immediately horrendous events filled her mind, events she knew were possible thanks to the war that had struck their country. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't start sentences like that during times like these Steve Rogers," Addy had intervened, suspecting from what he'd previously said that there wasn't actually anything bad happening to her red string soulmate and that she was just jumping to conclusions. Or maybe that was just what she'd hoped, because, despite it being quite far fetched and fantastical, Addy believed that if something bad did happen to James that she'd be able to feel it. She imagined him dying would feel a lot like the pieces of stardust that matched the ones gracing her bloodstream had been wiped from existence, like half of the Earth was depleted from existence.

"Sorry, no, it's nothing that bad," Steve tried to revise his statement, understanding what she'd meant with her words. He cared about Bucky just as much, the brunet as much an intricate part of his existence as Bucky was hers. He opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, his thick bottom lip doing some sort of dance before it gave up, collapsing as his body deflated. "I don't really know how to say this," he admitted.

"If Bucky were here, I'm sure he'd say something along the lines of: with your words," she advised.

The both of them laughed shortly. It didn't last very long, the words somehow melancholy despite their joking statement because Bucky wasn't there, he was experiencing war in another country and neither of them were able to support him the way they had been through the most of his life.

"I've joined the army," he threw out the words, almost disregarding. He'd come to terms with them very quickly, finding joy in them, but he knew that wouldn't be a sentiment shared by the people around him who had wanted him to stay in New York for his own safety. He hadn't even been able to tell Bucky. But he knew he'd had to tell Addy, he knew that even though their friendship had barely even begun, after Bucky left she'd become attached to him, he knew he'd become her one reminder of the brunet who'd vanished from her life the way marvellous magicians would vanish from tricky boxes. He knew that at some point, he'd actually become quite important to her.

"What?!" Her astonishment was clear, not just by the words, but by the way she'd leant back, cloth abandoned, in the way her mouth had fallen open and - much to Steve's dismay - in the way her eyes had begun to water. "Steve, you can't, you can't leave me-" It was a Freudian slip, the first thought that had jumped to the front of her mind running out from her lips before she could pull up a proper argument, she'd immediately tugged it back in before it could slip away too much, before it could confess too much, before it could confess that Steve was the last piece of home she had and that without him she wasn't sure how she'd cope anymore. "I- I mean, you can't join the army, you have asthma and- and-" Even as she tried to conjure up a pointless reason it fell flat like sand at the bottom of an ocean on top of her tongue, the weight of it nothing more than a burden as the land quaked beneath her feet, or was that just her body shaking?

It wasn't just the addiction that Steve satiated which made her want to keep him in New York with her, it was the fact that he was a regular, a person she knew and had no questions about, no doubts. He was the one thing Addy had left which made up the person she was then, someone not so tiny and not so broken. He was the last piece of scaffolding keeping the rooftop from caving in on top of her, the last person that gave her a reason to stay in New York.

"A doctor came up to me at the expo, he gave me the opportunity and I can't turn it down. I know you don't agree with me but I'm really no use here, I have to do something," Steve tried to explain, though admittedly he didn't put all that much effort into excusing himself, simply giving her the facts.

"But… But…" Addy's frustration only increased as she struggled to conjure up some sort of spell that would change Steve's decision.

"I'm sorry Addy," he apologised, more emotion put into those three words than he had the previous statement. "I'm going to the army camp tomorrow and I just figured you'd appreciate it if I told you…I am really sorry Addy, but I have to do it."

"I'm happy for you Steve," Alice spoke up, having stood quietly at the sidelines eavesdropping. Steve looked up at her, grateful for the reaction she'd given as the wet-eyed crestfallen expression belonging to Addy had done nothing but make him feel guilty. He nodded appreciatively over towards her, and she nodded back. "Just take good care of yourself, okay?"

"Yes ma'am," Steve almost felt the need to salute her, but seen as she didn't hold such a rank (only the traits of someone that did) his hand remained in his lap, twitching only once. It was then Steve decided to stand from the bar stool, choosing to take the easier option and allow both himself and Addy time to come to terms with what was going to happen. His self-righteous belief in his place in the war was something that would only further insult to Addy's own point-of-view that the two men belonged by her side in New York, it was as much a fairytale as Sleeping Beauty, unable to happen because of the war the same way the princess' own fate had been sealed because of Maleficent.

He took one last glance at her, one last reproachful look and then he abandoned those emotions because there was no use for them in war. Addy matched his gaze for a single second before she had to turn away, unable to endure the pain his reveal had caused. Then he left, and Addy was surprised by how it felt as quick as the moment James had left, happening during a single blink of her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Addy," Alice apologised, finally feeling free enough to step closer to the strawberry blonde and wrap her arm around Addy, trying to pull her close.

But she revolted against the touch, raising her arm and shoulder so she could shove Alice's limb off of her. She stood straight, like a statue, and with a voice as empty of life as a stone, she explained: "I'm fine. It's fine. I just, uh- I need to go change a barrel or something…" Addy wondered when words had become a weakness of hers, the configuration of letters once upon a time being the only weapon she possessed.

"Addy," the bar owner called as she left into the back room, moving over towards the door beside the attic. She ended up throwing her head over towards Gladys who was at a table, the waitress also noticing Addy's strange behaviour which was helpful as she understood what Alice meant as she nodded her head over to her, Gladys immediately making her way over to the bar so that she could watch over it whilst Alice chased after the strawberry blonde.

Alice found her on the stair well, crouched, tears pouring from her eyes the way waterfalls slipped chaotically from cliffs, pouring without any care for what might be waiting at the bottom. Like any true mother would, she wasted no time before cradling the smaller female, pulling her arms around her like the most comfortable kind of straight jacket, reeling in all of Addy's insanity and helping her hold in all of the frail emotions that were scattering about on the floor and breaking apart into something she'd never be able to rebuild. "It's okay Addy, you're okay," Alice whispered softly, letting the strawberry blonde know that her emotions were valid.

"First Bucky leaves, now Steve, my home is being taken away from me because of this damn war," she whimpered through sobs, only able to reveal a fraction of the emotions that had surfaced like foam on top of a beer. "They've all left, and now I'm just stuck here, working as a damn waitress." Her words turned sincerely spiteful as she finally began to recognise her role for what it was, a complete waste, an obstacle that stopped her saving a James Buchanan Barnes. She just wanted to be back with Bucky. That invigorated emotion became clear as she threw her arm out passionately, pointing towards the distance in a meaningless direction as she stated: "I should be out there too, protecting them, who's going to stop them from doing stupid things?"

Alice was silent for a few seconds, taking every word that Addy had said in and reading them the way a scientist analysed information, eventually coming to one conclusion that floored her. There was only one thing that Addy could have truly been insinuating, but it was so out of character that it was hard to truly believe. "Wait, are you saying…"

"I don't know what I'm saying," Addy confessed, still speaking amongst a bubble of hiccups and sniffles. Her mind felt like a mess, which she found strange, because for once the only emotions that she was able to feel were her own, yet thoughts still flew around her mind like the house locked in the tornado which took Dorothy to Oz, but Addy wasn't so sure that there was an Oz waiting at the end of her journey. All she could see at the end of her tunnel was a war, one that she was possibly going to end up playing a bigger role in than anyone expected, which scared her.

But what scared her more, was when she looked down at the bottom of the stairs and saw the soldier once more, illuminated only by a thin strip of light from the open doorway at the top of stairs, only half of him was revealed as he seemed to be hiding. Despite being faceless, he was once more staring intently at the strawberry blonde but that wasn't what she concentrated on in that moment, though it was normally the most haunting feature, it was another part of his appearance which drew out her breathe and made all sounds coming from her stop for a second. His clothes weren't just creased anymore, they were torn in places, stained by what Addy could only hope was mud, it was so dark in the attic she was allowed to convince herself of that. His entire body was shaking, hands trembling, bones rattling. Perhaps it was the lack of teeth chattering which made Addy immediately assume that it was fear. No, not just fear, it was disquiet consternation, dreadful fright, it was the noises you hear in the middle of the silent night inside your home, it was a ghostly touch on your neck when there is actually nothing there, it was a fear of the kind of unknown which would make anyone question their own minds, trying to convince themselves that the unknown wasn't real.

Addy did not like seeing the fear on the faceless soldier's body, because he wasn't just a faceless soldier, she knew exactly who he was. She knew that fear did not belong on him.

He began to walk away, stepping backwards further into the darkness of the attic, and Addy knew what she needed to do when her bones rang with the need to follow him. Looking back over to Alice, she managed to speak in a much calmer voice, her mind seemingly clearer after the vision she'd just had. "I don't agree with the war, and maybe I've just got Steve's bug, but I want to join too, I just want to be back with them."

The old Addy from five years ago wouldn't have held such courage, wouldn't have even amused the thought of doing such a thing, would have found the notion preposterous because people weren't worth putting herself in danger for, people weren't anything she'd been fond of before. Bucky had changed that, he'd changed her in ways she could never have imagined.

"I was wondering how long it would take you to come to that conclusion," Alice replied, her words getting a surprised response from Addy. How could the bar owner have known it was something she'd decide when before that moment Addy hadn't even thought up such a fantasy. Did Alice have her powers of future sight? No, the strawberry blonde quickly concluded, if she did then Alice wouldn't end up in so many hilariously unlucky situations.

Despite Alice's words and the clear belief she was implying, Addy couldn't help but disagree and she knew Alice would too if she thought on the matter more. "But I can't even join the war, I'm just a woman, they won't want me," the strawberry blonde mumbled, her abrupt determination beginning to wobble as she realised it wouldn't be as simple as just joining Bucky's regiment because of who she was, because of her gender and status.

"Addy, since the day I met you, I've always known you were meant for great things, more than just Rendez-vous, and they'll learn that too," Alice comforted, rubbing her hands up and down the strawberry blonde's biceps, a comforting touch that never would have been allowed before Bucky. Even after facing Addy's argument, Alice had remained sure of the strawberry blonde, just like Bucky always used to. "If you truly want to help them out, I might have a way for you to join the cause, I can't promise you'll be on the field with them but you'll be in the background."

It wasn't _exactly_ what she wanted, but the offer seemed to be the closest she'd able to get. Addy was intrigued. "What- What do you mean?"

"I just so happen to have an old family friend who works as a leading scientist for the war effort," the bar owner explained, grinning ear-to-ear. It was the same joy Addy could recall her displaying whenever she'd gifted Addy with a book that would have the at-the-time quiet and lonely child coming out of her shell. "I know weapons aren't your forte, but I also know that you can pick things up very quickly." "If you truly want to go help them, I can give you that opportunity, what do you say?"

The question was a big one, a platter of opportunity offered from golden hands, but the meal was spoiled slightly by the weighted existence of difference. She'd spent a lifetime eating cold meals, of living in the same city with the same people doing the same thing, what was offered to her was far more exotic and as far as she could tell different didn't always mean better.

But, she realised shortly after gulping down her anxieties, that it wasn't about her fears, it was about making sure that Bucky and Steve were safe and okay. They were both pretty big meatballs, always running towards the trouble, sometimes they'd needed her to pull them back.

"Two years ago, my mom came back after a horrible end to a relationship. As per usual, she blamed me, making it very clear her view on me and all the things I'd done to ruin her life, even going further than the usual, it wasn't just my existence that was a cruelty to her, it was my voice, my eyes - like my fathers, she said, whoever that is - my personality, it was every inch of me. Then, when I mistakenly said back to her 'you're not that great, either', my first time actually responding to her bullying, she moved to grab my arm and ended up scratching me to the point of blood coming out. All she cared about was her broken nail though.

"I didn't know what to do as she completely lost it again, the alcohol doing nothing but fueling her behaviour, so I did what Bucky always told me to do in the past and I went to his. As soon as I arrived he knew what had happened, either he just knows me really well, or I looked in a terrible state, I can't really remember.

"He dragged me into his apartment and made me sit down so he could fix up my wound. I remember that he was so vehemently mad about it, about the fact that she made me bleed, then he noticed that I had scars on my arms and that made him go on another rampage. Though normally I would go quiet after such a thing happened, in that moment I decided to tell him the story of how I earnt the scars on my wrist. It was when my mother, during another one of her alcohol binges, locked me in a bathroom with her so that neither of us could get out, and began to tell me about why her life was ruined to the point where she wanted to die. I think, if I remember correctly, that was the first time she ever made it outwardly clear to me that it was my fault. She told me that sometimes she thinks about killing me, and I was so young, I was screaming out the entire time, begging for someone to come help but no one… no one could hear. She grabbed my arms and using her nails, she started to scratch down them, repeatedly, until she'd scraped off lines of flesh on my arms. The entire time she described what she really wanted to do, how she wished she could trade me for my father, for the life she was supposed to have with my perfect sister. That's when I knew she'd gone delusional, because Maria left after arguing with my mother too much, their relationship had never been perfect. I thought I was going to die but…but then Frederick came to the door, her latest boyfriend. She made me go hide in my room and I had to figure out how to stop my arm from bleeding all alone, whilst she… did things, with Frederick. They were so loud that neither of them could hear me crying. Anyway, the next day I went up to my next door neighbour who was actually pretty good friends with my mother, and I showed her the cuts, asking for help. Her response? 'Your mother would never do something like that.'"

Alice's smile had slipped completely off her face, her heart aching for the girl in front of her who was more child than woman as she recalled the memories of her past. She'd learnt eventually who Addy's mother truly was, but the stories always felt strange to her ears because once upon a time she would have been one of those persons that would have argued she wasn't the kind of person to do that, and that would erupt horrible guilt inside of her. "I'm so sorry that happened to you," Alice apologised, wishing that she could tug Addy's mother there and force her to repeat those words because it was what Addy was truly owed.

The strawberry blonde gave a stifled nod, lips pressed into a nonexistent line. "So was James, and maybe it isn't so surprising to anyone else, but when he held me after I told him that story, I was stunned. I didn't know how to react. He… He believed me, straight away. He knew that I couldn't possibly make up such things. For the first time in years, I felt valid. James started saying that he wasn't going to let anyone touch me like that ever again, that he wasn't going to let anyone treat me like that ever again, he even went as far to promise such a thing. And he's kept that promise, he's kept his promise to protect me. Such a promise is owed an impossible debt. So, I suppose, what I mean to say is-" after much consideration, Addy gave Alice a determined nod- "do it."

The bar owner gave a nod that matched the same resolve on Addy's. "Right, I'm going to go make a phone call, you go back up to the bar so Gladys can do what she does best." It was a request not a demand, Alice giving the strawberry blonde time to inhale and exhale a few shaking breaths so that she could get herself ready for working, for concentrating on something other than Bucky.

Addy did as was asked of her, going back up the stairs and trying to stop her mind from running rampant, with both her overthinking and all of the alcohol-fuelled feelings the patrons were sharing with her sense. She conversed with Gladys for a second, assuring the bar waitress that she was okay before Gladys left to go chatter with all of the patrons, a job she'd happily accepted taking the main role for.

Alice returned shorty, clapping her hands together and showing more excitement than Addy actually felt. "He'll be here in an hour, we'll close the bar early so you and him can have a proper discussion."

Addy sent her a grateful look, unable to conjure words as her mind had stuck to another thought Not the feelings of anyone in Rendez-vous, not the hauntings of the faceless soldier, not even the unknown future ahead of her. It was a decision she'd been waiting a long time to make. "Do you… Do you mind if I take my break, I think it's time I go write James a letter."

"Of course, Addy," the bar owner answered quickly, having hoped to hear those words weeks earlier. Communicating with her brunet soldier was the best way for Addy to recover, Alice knew that and had been encouraging it almost everyday. After another grateful tilt of her head, Addy began to set off towards Alice's office, not expecting the bar owner to reach out and stop her from walking into the back room. "Hey," she mumbled, surprising herself with how quiet her voice had become, "remember what I said earlier, you were always meant for greater things than this bar, I know that's probably quite scary to hear but it's true."

"Thank you, Alice," Addy mumbled in response, neither of them used to hearing such authentic words from the bar owner who'd tried to raise the strawberry blonde rather than mollycoddle her. There had been an awkwardness which lasted since Addy's mother dropped the poor girl off on Alice's doorstep, one that prevented the two from ever becoming close and it had prevailed even in such a moment there, any words more than that getting stuck in Addy's throat.

Until Addy chose to fight against them, the same way she was fighting against all of her anxieties to try and join the war effort, to join Bucky's side. She truly did adore him, but she knew that such a thing wouldn't be possible if it weren't for a certain person, the one person who'd influenced Addy's openness even when she was as closed as a locked door. Though she'd taken another step forward towards the office, Addy stopped and turned back to face Alice, her movement making the bar owner pause as well. "I, uh, I feel like this should really go unsaid but, I hope you know that without you there's a very strong likelihood I wouldn't be alive right now, or I would be, but it wouldn't be a very good existence, so when I say thank you, I don't just mean for this conversation here. I mean for the entire life you've given me, a gift, as you taught me what it was truly like to have a mother."

"It has, and always will be, my honour." Addy gave her a short smile, her thankfulness towards Alice clear enough by the time she turned and walked away, going over to her boss' office so that she could write Bucky a letter. Alice watched the strawberry blonde saunter over to the office, and behind her back, she wiped away a tear. It wasn't a sad tear, it was an overwhelmingly proud tear.

Meanwhile, Addy finally finished her journey towards Alice's office, finding a piece of paper and a pen available on the bar owner's desk. She sat down and began to write.

 _Dear my sorely missed soldier,_  
 _I apologise for the shortness of my last letter, I didn't really know what to say and I didn't have the heart to say anything to you in the first place. In all honesty, I was hurt. It was like you'd driven nails into each of my limbs and left me attached to a floor whilst you went off without me, leaving me to bleed out on the floor. I know that sounds cruel but it is my truth, something I've always tried to give you because you'd always encouraged me to be honest, even if it meant saddening you._  
 _I do not want you to be sad. I want you to be brave, I want you to run into war with courage, knowing that you will return home one day because you have to for me. Is that selfish? Probably, yet I do not care. I find that so strange. That things I panicked over for years do not affect me so strongly when it comes to you, I discovered this little fact the day you held my hand at the Christmas party at the Meadows. That feels so long ago, yet all I want to do is return to that night. Even though it had started off rather horribly for me, it had ended like a… well, like a Christmas miracle. In fact, if I had the power, I would replace every second of my past with that one moment. I still remember the way your hands felt on my body, like a wool blanket in winter._  
 _I say that I remember everything, yet I also fear I am forgetting some things. Like the_ way _you feel in a room. It's almost like someone has covered the sun nowadays. I suppose what I mean to actually say, and even though the words feel slightly unoriginal after all your letters, is that I miss you too. I miss you so much. I miss everything about you and everything I didn't know about you and everything you did to me. That last night wasn't enough, it was too short, and my biggest regret is that I shortened it because I got too jealous over things I understand now are nothing to really worry about._  
 _To answer your previous letters, I'm sorry to hear about the sadness you've undergone, it is truly terrible and the only advice that I can give is that sometimes the darkness is necessary to give more luminescence to the light. There is light in your life, even in these dark times, and as I've learnt thanks to you, I'm sure it will shine when you least expect it. There are already glimmers of sun rays coming through the stormy clouds, as proven by your tale about your drunken escapades in the forest. It's good that you've found comrades there, I hope they can protect you, I'm fine with you telling stories of us and our red string as long as it motivates them to ensure you return home to me safe._  
 _And to answer all the questions I can remember off the top of my head (I'm at work right now, Alice says hello, Gladys is probably giving a slight tilt of her head, trying to pretend like she doesn't find you to be the most charming person to ever walk into Rendez-vous): I am as okay as one can be after having a part of them torn away, I can still walk and talk and strive for something more. I will be okay eventually. The plumbing has been fine_ _though_ _my shower is still running cold, I've spoken to the landlord about it and he says that he's called the plumbers but they're very busy at the moment, it should be sorted out by the end of the year. Gladys is actually treating me better, though I expect it's all out of sympathy. I have taken ten plants in total up to the rooftop and bought three larger ones, I don't plan on buying any more large or medium ones for_ _the inside_ _of my apartment as I've simply run out of_ _room_ _. No one has bothered me at the bar, I've stopped doing the night shifts and so the only ones that cause any issues are the ones dissatisfied by the service given but Alice always steps up to deal with them, which leads me to my answer for your final question, yes, she's been doing a tremendous job at looking after me._  
 _I hope all those answers were suitable, if not, then feel free to write me another letter, I'll try my best to respond as soon as I receive it. Though, I may be busy from now on as I've decided that I'm actually going to join the army too. Not the fieldwork_ of _course, I'm hardly fit enough and though I'm sure I could learn to understand a gun pretty quickly, I'd rather avoid using violence._  
 _It was Alice's idea, he's calling an old family friend that is apparently the head of science with the war effort. I've no idea who it could be though I'm excited to meet them. I'm excited to be given the opportunity to help you in some way. I'd be lying if I said that I also wasn't hoping to see you sooner as well, though I know it would be very unlikely considering I wouldn't even be a part of an army regiment. Perhaps I'll visit some, and yours would be one of the lucky ones I get to grace my presence with._  
 _This is probably a surprise to you, that I'm actually joining the war effort and not just as a maid of some kind. It's a surprise to me too, believe me. But it's something I know I have to do. You and Steve joined the war because you felt a responsibility, a debt to the country. I feel the exact same way, except not for the country, the people of this city have done nothing but ignore my struggles, whereas you two, you are my debt that needs to be repaid. You are my responsibility._  
 _I don't know what else to say whilst writing this letter, yet I find myself overwhelmed by an abundance of words and wants, none of them actually stringing together probably. It's a mix of words. Want, need, hello, goodbye, but not goodbye, phantasmagorical._  
 _I hope you keep safe and that you're doing well and that you get this letter before you leave, I'm not quite sure when to send it otherwise. I expect it will take quite a lot of time as there are possibly well over a million letters being sent from soldiers to loved ones and loved ones to soldiers, my letter to you feels rather insignificant when compared against that number. Sorry, you don't care about that. I'm rambling and I shouldn't ramble because I don't want to use any more of Alice's paper_ than _is required. Again, I'm rambling, I really need to stop. I also need to stop writing this letter, even though this is the closest to you I've felt in weeks. I can't apologise enough for not doing this earlier, I just didn't really know what to say to you. Or, I knew what to say to you, but none of it regarded the fact you left me and I knew that I shouldn't have just disregarded what had happened either. It was a horrible vortex I got stuck in, but this new opportunity to evolve myself has been the step closer to the mountaintop that I needed, the rest of the climb had been a battle against ice, but on this one I've found myself on a perch, it is a moment to relax in a certain way (I'll be honest, I'm panicking a lot, but I know both you and Alice believe in me, and logically, if I have that many people believing in me than I must be capable of something)._  
 _I know I've already said it, but I feel the desire to end this letter the same way that you have in the past: I MISS YOU!_  
 _Adoration from, a scared but excited girl that misses you more than she'd miss chocolate (which is a lot)._

Addy had to force herself to end the letter there, a build-up of words having filled up in her mind after weeks of not talking to him. She grabbed a hold of an envelope which she'd know was in one of the drawers in the desk and then she filled it in, able to recall the address Bucky had given her and jotted it down, preparing the letter so she could just drop it off on her own way home.

She left the office, entering the bar only to find it empty, even Gladys wasn't there, only Alice who had remained unaware of the strawberry blonde's presence. Her eyes immediately moved over to the clock on the wall, finding that it had somehow ended up being 6:28, meaning not only was she late, but apparently so was the head scientist, which Addy couldn't help but feel was a tad unprofessional. Then again, she had been unprofessional too. Still, she felt like she'd earned some brownie points for arriving closer to the appointed time.

Seconds later, the door to Rendez-vous was opened and the bell above rung out. She couldn't believe who stepped through, it didn't seem real. Not until he spoke. "Honey, I'm home!"

* * *

 **A/N: So, uh, hi again, long time no see. I don't know how to explain why I haven't uploaded, I've had the chapters but everytime I'd go to upload one I just got so sad and didn't bother doing it. Depression has been hitting me hard, I've had to deal with some stuff I didn't enjoy and I got comments recently that should have only made me really question one thing in my story but because my head is the way it is I started thinking that this story just isn't worthwhile and I'm not really a worthwhile writer. I'm hoping this doubt will go away soon, but I don't know. I feel like this story isn't good, near the end I like my ideas but that's near the end. Ugh, yeah, I'm a sad person whoooo. Sorry for rambling, I'm kind ahoping if I say my thoughts out loud to someone than I can work more on resolving them. Maybe not. Maybe I'll never write again for this story, I don't really know right now. Again, sorry.**

 **To Cash1122, ahhhh I'm sorry, it was supposed to be a sort of happy moment before the sadness. And yeah, it would be cruel for Addy to start dating Bucky before she's ready, even if she has realised that she like-likes him, there's still too many things in the way preventing her from committing herself.**

 **To animexchick, here have more letters! Hope they were fun ^^**

 **To SomebodyWhoCares, I feel like Addy isn't a super violent person right now but she did give him the silent treatment (kind of, she spoke to him through Steve technically) and that was her punishment aha.**

 **To SunnySides, I'm not confirming nor denying. I'm glad you enjoyed the letter, they're actually one of my least favourite things to write aha, just because I need to get the tone of the character right but then it's not even the tone of the character it's the polished tone because people always polish themselves when writing letters or emails... I hope that made sense.**

 **To Assbitch67, listen, I didn't decide for Bucky to join the war, he went and did that himself. Is it weird that now I want spaghetti bolognese cause you said upsetti spaghetti?**

 **To Purplestan, hello fellow British person! Glad you enjoyed the chapter and don't worry, Addy TOTALLY didn't spend days afterward crying, nope, definitely not.**

 **And a Happy Merry Average Thank You to the people that simply read the chapter, I'll hopefully update again soon but I'm not quite sure where my heads at right now so I make no promises. Sorry for the inconvenience!**


	15. I'm Sorry

Hi everyone, I know this is disappointing news but with the way my head has been these past few weeks I've decided it's best to go on a hiatus and take a break. The pressure of having to write and upload is only adding to my depression and I need to feel okay again before I start writing. I hope you can understand. I'll be returning between the 15th and the 18th.

Thanks, I hope you guys have been making only happy memories and stuffs :)


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